So... I've been sitting in front of my computer for a rather long time now... trying to figure out how to write this. There's been something bothering me for about a week now and after some encouragement to get it out I thought I would try to write it out. I've honestly never told anyone this...
I don't want to trigger anyone but there are some possible trigger things in here.... ************************************************************************************************************************
After I had told my parents what happened to me when I was a child and then abuse from another when I was older ... that finally stopped about 2 years ago... (I know I haven't gone into detail about my past on here yet so bear with me.) my dad told me something that through me for a loop. My oldest sister was abused by someone at her school when she was about 9 or 10. It was a completely different person than had hurt me and more than 10 years apart. (She was 17 years old when I was born.) I was looking at the one picture that I have of her last week and I just started to fall apart right there. As of late I've been struggling to keep moving forward and to keep working on healing. And... well I've said here before that I struggle with "dark thoughts" of hurting myself and while I was looking at her photo I came so close to doing something I would have regretted.
You see... my oldest sister committed suicide when I was 8 years old... I never got the chance to know her very well because she moved out of the house when I was a toddler and then lived out of state. I only have three memories of my sister total... We never found out what exactly had driven her to do it... or at least I was never told because I was so young... but I know that she had tried it several times before. I remember that night my parents got the phone call from her husband so vividly. My mom started crying on the phone with him and suddenly I just knew before she said anything out loud. Though old that pain still feels fresh.
Remembering that pain saved my life twice when I was still going through the abuse... The only thing that kept me from following in her footsteps was the memory of the pain that it had caused me and my family. I vowed that I wouldn't hurt anyone else that way. I couldn't cause my family that pain again. Not again. But still those thoughts fester in the back of my head, that if she wasn't strong enough to deal with everything that had happened to her then maybe I'm not strong enough either.
All that pain went through me again while I looked at her picture and has sent me down to a dark place. This is the short version... I know it's probably choppy and maybe it doesn't even make any sense. I've been sobbing and my brain hurts.I have to step away from the computer for awhile and try to pull myself together. I'm just venting...
Dear Rose...I figured I better check this real quick. I'm so sorry you have that pain of loss on top of everything else. My, dear, we have more in common than you think! I will explain more later, but for the longest time I never wanted to live past my oldest's sister's age when she died. She was 37 when she passed.
***wraps the blue blanket of comfort around you***
I look forward to the day when you can return home and actively look for a counselor. Truly. You would benefit greatly.
As for my sister, her death wasn't technically a suicide, but she ran away from home as a teen, did all kinds of bad things, bad things happened to her, and by 37 she died from liver failure, among other things. I was just starting to build a relationship with her (there were 11 years between us), and I still can't discuss her without tearing up. Now that I know what I know about MY childhood, I strongly suspect she had similar things happen to her, and she didn't get the help that I received as an adult. In my eyes, it was suicide.
I am sure that she would fully support my recovery process and LIVING my life, just as I bet your sister would want you to live YOUR life, Rose. I would suggest doing things to honor her life rather than cast additional shadows. You are very creative. I know you will find a way.
BTW, your new picture is very solemn. I can respect that. It can also be a picture of strength.
Honestly, counselors and stuff make me nervous... LOL It took me like two months before I could even look the woman in the eye when I was back home and it was right after that that I came here. *shrugs*
I never got to have a relationship with my sister to tell the truth... Maybe that's part of the reason it hurts so much. It's kind of ironic that the only picture I have of her (my parents have more it's just that I personally only have the one) is one of her graduation pictures when I was a year old. She had three different ones taken and ... she had me with her for one of them. Mom always said that she loved playing with me when I was a baby... I don't really know where all that came from. Kinda random... Sorry.
When my dad told me about her past and it had some time to sink in I remember thinking... What are the odds? Two kids about a decade apart both abused by different people in completely different circumstances... in the same family.
I'm sorry that you and your sister went through that. I'm sure she would want you to be happy and have a good life too. You know... what you said reminded me... my mom said that she loved to draw and paint flowers. Maybe that's why I always draw flowers...
I know it's kind of solemn. It just seemed to fit right now.
It's okay to grieve. You have a lot to grieve about. It will take some time. I, for one, feel honored that you shared some of your story with us here. Thank you.
As for counselors, ya, that's pretty normal for people in our situations. It took me the longest time to speak to counselors, and I went through several because they just didn't know what to do with me. The one I have now gave me all the time I needed, and I am forever grateful to him.
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