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    Forget It!
    soulkeepers posted:
    No Response Needed I Know How Wrapped Up People Have Been Lately.

    Took my time and wrote out a long post exposing myself.To the point of feeling bare and it took one hell of a combination to do that.Really dropped below the neck on this one speaking from the heart and not just my head.

    This was just meant to be or many reasons.I don't know why but no one needs to know the story.Don't think it'll happen again in this life or maybe it doesn't matter. I love how things pan out sometimes and throw us for a loop.Maybe it wasn't meant to be shared,something so raw to be put out there.

    Burning both end of the candle is exhausting but we know how this goes.I think myself for being a dummy and a screw up with the situation at hand.Maybe i'll go buy a bird and teach it how to talk I heard animals are good company.

    Crying Is Like Taking Your Soul To The Laundry Mat!!!!!!!
    soulkeepers responded:
    I'M GOOD
    Crying Is Like Taking Your Soul To The Laundry Mat!!!!!!!
    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
  • ******** warning this post will include a graffic trigger **********
    Morning Wyatt. Your post makes it sound like WebMD gremlins ate a post you wrote vs posting it like it should have.

    Its hard enough to put heart to paper, to wring your soul out and open that conduit of pain. Then to loose it or have someone ignore it or dismiss it. Frustrating and another heavy brick laid on your shoulders.

    I don't buy that no one needs to know the story. Ste did a "memory dump" here years ago out of rage and anger. He did it to hurt me.

    He didn't expect it to help him. It helped him so much. It was like ripping a scab off an old badly infected wound and releasing the pressure. In time that wound healed. Scarred, yes flesh forever tender and raw, but healed none the less.

    Writing down the truth is scary. Having it there on paper somehow makes it real. Its really hard to deny stuff when its RIGHT THERE. When the truths are unspoken and hidden in your mind its some how easier to keep living. But carrying that toxic baggage around take it toll on you.

    ******************************************* **************** ******** *********************** GRAFFIC TRIGGER ******************

    the abuse is a penis in your throat. Choking you and preventing you from screaming for help.

    The abuse chokes you and smothers you and silences you.

    Speaking about it aloud or writing about it is how you start taking back your power that was raped out of you as a child.

    Each thrust into our bodies was a message to shut up/be silent/take it/take it/take it.

    Writing down the truth and removing it from the memories of the flesh is a start in untangling us from the poisonous vines of the abuse affects.

    Writing it down or verbally sharing with a T is a quiet voice going: (DELETED)-YOU. I'm stopping. Right here.

    The abuse stops here.

    As long as you hold the silence and the secrets the abuse is still happening. You are still being abused, that poison is still in you leaching off your soul. Giving you night mares, stealing your life and harming you.

    You all have been hurt enough by the abuse. Taking about it weakens it control and power over you.

    Painful process to debrief from the horrors of the past? Oh hell yes, I will not lie. I vividly recall the amount of courage it took to first say stuff aloud or even write it down. Gawd do I.

    I can talk about my past now like I was rattling off a grocery list. Its been a long time to get here. But you know what? It is very satisfying to be able to dismiss it at will and stop the flash backs with a simple "be gone you have no power here."

    Keep fighting for it Wyatt. You deserve and are owed the right to heal.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    tnmist replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    DDT, what you say is so true! Continuing to keep silent is not beneficial in the long run. Getting it out of us is hard, it's work, it's painful, but to have a voice is greatly satisfying and helps take back our power. We are not powerless anymore, and all of us have a right to be heard - big or small, young or old, many parts or one voice - we all have a right to be heard and understood.

    I was wondering, too, if a stupid WebMD glitch ate your note. I'm so sorry! It tends to happen frequently. I try to remember to highlight all of my post and either right click to "copy" or control-C just in case the post doesn't go through. That way I can just start another post and either right click and hit "paste" or hit control-V to pop it back into a post.

    Please don't try to read more into those glitches than what they are, just an unfortunate glitch - You are not the only one I have heard express, "Well, maybe it just wasn't meant to be posted," but that's not the truth. Don't you believe it!

    I may not always reply right away, Wyatt/Soul, and it may be because I'm not sure what I can say that may help, but I check this board frequently, as do several others. I hope I have not inadvertently hurt you by NOT replying. If so, I apologize!

    I hope you will give yourself a voice, in whatever form you are comfortable with. As DD said, it is soooo worth it in the end.

    Only a couple of times have I been in the right place in my head to verbalize to my T that "I HATE him," (meaning my abuser, of course), but when I can do that, ohhhh, it feels so good to SAY it. And I think I've cried buckets worth of tears already, and I'm still not done, but I'm okay with that, too. It won't always be this way.

    (((gentle hugs if okay)))

    bluerose90 replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:

    I want to apologize to you if you think we aren't listening... Like Misty I check in here often and read the new postings but I may take a long time to reply or if I don't it's because... I just don't know what to say.

    If the WebMD gremlins ate your post please try again. It sounds like you have something you need to let out of your system and like DDT said that can help an awful lot. We are listening.

    (((hugs it okay)))

    Where there is shadow, there is light.
    soulkeepers replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:

    It could have been something went wrong on this end gut not really sure.In a way kinda of relieved it didn't made it up thinking about it now.Don't want to step outside of my inner circle and break the trust within the our system.It's Q's story and she has to be the one speak and face it with full strength.Has to be the one to share her heart by stepping back into what is known as the devil's hole.

    Getting a card the other day that triggered the memory.Abuse itself leaves deep scars but I think runs deeper coming from those who was/is suppose to keep you safe. Easily to be triggered and tired from working. I've cried so many hours from uncontrollable panic and disturbing images.I couldn't hold it in been fighting it work for the longest.We always had food in the house to eat.

    What was confusing is that I was being giving for things we didn't need.Just give your child to any old dirty man whose sick enough to stoop to his level for damn near anything.He was the one that set the rules and kept us on egg shells.The truth looks strange cause even tho he ran things,he was taught it.MOMMY TAUGHT DADDY HOW TO ABUSE US.................THIS IS SOME SICK S


    well we are tired so going to get something to eat and some sleep.

    E & W
    Crying Is Like Taking Your Soul To The Laundry Mat!!!!!!!
    tnmist replied to soulkeepers's response:
    (((((E & W))))) Wishing I could just hold you in my arms and rock and rock you until you stopped hurting - if that was safe for you. My closest friends know to ask before giving me a hug because sometimes I long to be hugged and other times I don't want anyone to touch me...I have to pretend around family. When we don't have nurturing parents in our childhood, we need to find a way to parent ourselves. At least that is what I believe. I'm learning that I am WORTH parenting myself. Sometimes an older adult that "gets it" is in our lives, and they become like a parent to us. I don't really have that, but I'm learning to care enough about myself to want to parent myself.

    It will be a long road. Healing is worth it, though. My T keeps telling me that and so do a couple of friends who have been on their journey longer than I have. I have to trust that for now.

    I hope you continue taking steps toward healing. You sound like an awesome human being.

    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to soulkeepers's response:
    E & W & Q and all,

    The healing journey is sure different for a collection of souls vs a singleton.

    It have taken a life time to unwind and separate the memories and to pave the paths of communication between us all. Safety within before trust can be introduced and extended outwards. One therapy works for part of us, but not all of us.

    Other stuck in various parts of the healing journey/cycle. Some refusing to begin at all.

    Once Cereal, got tired and mentally pack us in to the "car" an drove us at hellbent speeds toward the perceived "finish line" of healing. Open the door and threw us all over the "line."

    "Your done with healing!" he screamed as he slammed the door. "lets get on with life. I can't take the crying anymore."

    Had to sit him down and explain, each of us was wounded at different times in our lives, a 5 year old heals differently then a 20 year old.

    That healing isn't possible for any fragment if there forced. Just like you said: ".It's Q's story and she has to be the one speak and face it with full strength."

    So how does one help the others inside?

    Some of our rules:

    1. anyone can speak
    2. speak first inside, so it can reverberate through out the system.
    3. I can't change your past, but I can sit by you and hold you hand while you process it.
    4. memories must be put to paper, or told to a T. Freedom comes from giving the abuse no more power.
    5. We are at war with the abuse, all the people on the inside are equal and no one get thrown overboard.
    6. You can sit and stagnate, that can be your choice, just as its my choice to strive for a peaceful existence where I can just live and be.
    7. We will never be done healing. The effects of what was done to us will never go away. We work to find a way to take away the power of the abuse and make it lifeless scars on our souls vs bleeding wounds that hurt us.

    ((((((((((((((((SK)))))))))))))))) many hugs from TCoS
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    soulkeepers replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:

    Thanks for taking time to write this out when you didn't had too.Just getting back home and came to post an update but gonna hold off on that for now.want to address something within your post cause it's a little bothersome to say.Our thoughts are not inline with y'all and don't want to misinterpret anything.

    We're gonna just say thanks for the advice and hugs

    Really appreciate your time.
    Crying Is Like Taking Your Soul To The Laundry Mat!!!!!!!
    soulkeepers replied to soulkeepers's response:



    Crying Is Like Taking Your Soul To The Laundry Mat!!!!!!!
    bluerose90 replied to soulkeepers's response:
    (((Hugs if okay))) I know how frustrating it is when the board gremlin eats posts but don't give up. If you want or need to say something please try again. We are always willing to listen.

    Where there is shadow, there is light.

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