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3 years and 6 months...possible trigger
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meganleighann808 posted:
My name is Megan, I'm 24.... Thought I had put everything behind me and moved on. But lately I've been having a hard time dealing with...everything. It's been that long since my estranged husband (not estranged at the time) raped me, and it's affecting me more now than it ever has. His "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" excuse irritates me more than ever. But doesn't hurt as much as the "I felt like sex was all I was good for, I guess it was some kind of payback. I don't know, I don't remember, I was drunk." He always complains about how he could never be with anyone else and is afraid to touch another woman because I've given him a complex...so sometimes I just have sex with him but I always end up in so much pain that I'm shoving him off of me. The last time he got so angry with me. I don't know what he wants from me. He makes me feel guilty for having trouble dealing with something he did to me. Drunk or not. I understand that I can't hold it against him forever especially because of our child, and I do my best not to, but seriously if I could just stop the memories and the physical and emotional pain I would. I can't be with anyone. It hurts too much. I can't even have my yearly exam done without having a panic attack. If I could do something to forget I would, but it's in my head everyday. All day, everyday. The sounds, the things he said to me, my son's little 8 month old eyes watching, him crying for me, the smell of the alcohol. I feel out of control most days and when I feel like that I crave anything to make me feel better but I have to be responsible for my child so I just bottle it all up. I feel like I'm ready to lose it. The last time I felt like this was 2 years ago I took 17 of my 40 mg antidepressants. I just had to forget. I would never do that again but I pray and beg God to just let me forget. I see my husband everyday. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just forget but each passing day the memories and the feelings...everything is just getting worse!!
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tnmist responded:
Megan, I'm so sorry you are in such turmoil. Have you ever been to a therapist? I hope you will consider it. If you do, remember that finding the right fit doesn't always happen the first time.

I'm really not sure what to say except that you sound overwhelmed by it all, and I would really encourage you to seek some counseling. I wish I could be more help.

I'm glad you found this community, though. It's sometimes quiet here, but it's a great group of folks.

-Misty
 
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bluerose90 responded:
Hi Megan, I'm so sorry for what you've been through and what you're still going through. I am glad that you came here though. Like Misty said it can get quiet on the board but we try to help and support one another as much as we can.

Recovering from something so traumatic takes time and work. We all wish that we could snap our fingers and get passed it all but it doesn't work. Misty is right that finding a therapist or a counselor that understands can be a big help. Talking it through and finding ways to deal with what's happened can help immensely.

I've dealt with, and still do really, thoughts of suicide and depression. It can take a... toll on a person to say the least. Please keep yourself safe. Come in here and vent all you want and need too. We are all here to help one another.

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.


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