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lovely_lemon_tree posted:
I am of the living dead.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
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bluerose90 responded:
(((gentle hugs if okay)))

Can you tell us more about what is going on? Talking about it might help if you're up to it. We're all here for you.

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to bluerose90's response:
TRIGGERS

I go about my days breathing but not really surviving.

I want so much to slip into oblivion.

Years ago, I took many pills but my attempt was intercepted by a tongue too loose and a conscience that cared about an innocent cat who waited at home. I didn't deserve her and I don't deserve my Savannah now.

And now, the darkness descends like blinders and I can only see a narrow field around which my eyes focus. The sun rises and the sun sets and I wish that the days would end. I wish that my existence would come to a silent, unnoticed end and that I could slip away like a vapor under a door. Unfortunately humans are not like that and I turn to other methods.




Not to worry, I have contracted for safety through the weekend with the IOP folks. It was a condition for being immediately admitted as an inpatient after a meltdown on Friday morning.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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tnmist replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
((((((((((LLT)))))))))) Sits by you quietly...just being. What happens Monday morning? Do you go see a doctor? Is there someone you are supposed to call? I want you to be safe, please.

Wish you weren't hurting so much.

-Misty
 
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bluerose90 replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
Please do keep yourself safe LLT... I wish there was something more that I could do for you. I'm glad that you made a safety contract with IOP for the weekend, but like Misty asked, what about Monday?

I know how much easier it seems to just let yourself go like that... I think about it often to be honest with you. You do deserve your cat Savannah that you love so much. You deserve to have help and to be cared for. Please don't give into your thoughts of letting go or hurting yourself. Please be safe.

(((gentle hugs if okay)))

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to bluerose90's response:
Monday morning... that's when I step in the doors at IOP and the call me into the office to check in with me to make sure that I'm okay... and of course, they want to "see how I'm doing" and say that they "care about me" and whatnot.

Do they want to know what I'm thinking?

I think not.

TRIGGERS!!

Do they really want to know that I trolled the aisles at Wal Mart this afternoon looking for something to swallow? That I looked for an acceptable rope to attach to the bridge a block away from my apartment? That I looked for poisonous gasses to inhale? That there was nothing SUFFICIENTLY LETHAL to satisfy my demands????

Yesterday I put 50 small, superficial cuts on my right forearm. I got to about 37 and decided I needed to go all the way to the elbow. Then I decided I needed to get to a round number. That was how I got to 50.

The IOP clinician and FNP asked to to agree to a no-suicide contract until tomorrow. I would not agree to a no-self-harm contract. I was thinking I might inflict another 50 cuts. Or I might burn. Or I might do both. I don't know. I don't care. It really doesn't matter anymore. After I did it last night, I realized how easy it was do to... it's so easy.

And after last night, I remembered how easy it is to attempt suicide as well.

It's so easy.

So easy.

...

..

.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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tnmist replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
Dear LLT, I think they do want to know - they need to know. I hope you told them. Do you need to be admitted??? It's not okay to be actively suicidal, that is, you are not okay if you are actively suicidal. Sounds like you need some additional support or tweaking of meds or something! I'm very concerned for you. Please take care of yourself in a healthy way until these thoughts/feelings subside. I wish there was more I could do for you. (((((gentle hugs, if okay)))))

-Misty
 
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bluerose90 replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
LLT.... ((((((gentle hugs if okay))))))

I know how hurt you're feeling, how much pain you're in, but I want you to know something... We care about you and we want you to be safe. Please let the people at IOP and FNP help you.

You are right that committing suicide is relatively easy to do but I also want you to remember something else... It's permanent and it causes so much pain to the people who love you. I read somewhere that suicide doesn't end your problems, it just passes them on to someone else. I think that is true. The problems in our lives, our past, sends us down a dark path sometimes, but things change. In time they get better maybe even in ways that we could never predict.

Don't give up. Don't give in. It's hard and tiring but please keep fighting. I don't know if you are a religious person but something that has always helped me is to pray. God is always there to listen to us. Especially when we are in pain and we need His help. Maybe if you have access to one right now, read some from the bible. I keep a list of some scriptures to read when I get down or feel like I'm going to loose it and going over them really does help. If you can, try looking up Psalms 34:18. It's one of my favorites.

Please take good care of yourself and stay safe. (((hugs)))

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to bluerose90's response:
So here I am after another night. Just had a therapy session with my poor therapist... who I think I am stressing out. I told her about the Wal Mart thing... and she looked at me with the appraising eye and said "so you really want to die then?" and I said "It's me in a corner howling, wishing for death." I told her what I really wanted to get a hold of (which I don't really know how to get a hold of, and don't think actually exist and don't think are actually shipped) and she eyed me even more.

Sigh.

Great heaving sighs.

I guess the positive thing is that I have not harmed myself.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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bluerose90 replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
(((gentle hugs if okay)))

I'm glad that you haven't hurt yourself and that you're talking to your therapist about what you've been feeling. Please hang in there and stay safe.

*Sits next to you with a tray of tea and hot chocolate and cookies. Pulling out coloring books and crayons for us to use.*

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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soulkeepers replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
LLT,


Glad you are okay!!!!!
Crying Is Like Taking Your Soul To The Laundry Mat!!!!!!!
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to soulkeepers's response:
Doing somewhat better today. Not much, but a little.

I will have hot tea and some chocolate chip cookies. I hope you have kitty treats and Foxy treats and I will sit and color.

Thank you everyone for checking in on me.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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bluerose90 replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
(((hugs if okay)))

I'm glad that you're feeling better.

I'll get out a banana for Foxy. He loves those but I warn you he's a very loud banana eater... LOL

Keep us up to date about how you're doing.

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.


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