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Bad juggler
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tnmist posted:
I reek at juggling.
Juggling what, you may ask?
Ummm, LIFE.
Trying to get "caught up" with some bills...feel like I'm in a canoe without a paddle, now my canoe has sprung a leak, and a tin can I have to help bail out has holes in it...the water is carrying me who knows where. I feel it's all useless.

How do singles out there do it? Some people look like they have their act together, and maybe some of them do. I don't. I can't get "caught up" with housework, yard work, maintenance/upkeep, de-cluttering, bill paying, meal planning...just everything. I just don't get how some people can juggle all that.

I work full time, deal with depression, deal with my "past," have 2 pets (for which I'm thankful they aren't human children), have duties at church..I mean, the list just never ends.

Today, for example, is a wonderful day outside weather-wise, a little cooler than normal, brilliant blue sky, and all I want to do is go take a nap...The back yard needs mowing, the hedges need trimming out front. Some blessed day I need to tackle actual weeding, and I wish I had the energy to put a few flowers out and about, but I never seem to even get close to THAT.

I feel like such a frickin' failure. A total Loser. Honestly, I do understand why people spiral down to suicidal thinking. I go there a lot myself, but I haven't acted on those thoughts for, oh, 20 years or so, but they still nag at me...like today. I just wish I didn't have to deal with life, and that's just normal life, what to eat (that's healthy), is the laundry caught up (is it EVER?). I need some things at the store but have no energy to shop - UGH.

So, screw the blue sky and cooler weather...I'm going to take a nap...I know I'll feel guilty later, but I don't know how to deal with that either. Can't win.

Thanks for listening to me ramble.

-Misty
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bluerose90 responded:
(((Hugs)))

Keeping up with everything is always hard. Especially when you're on your own and with everything you have to deal with on top of the regular stuff.

You're not a failure. You're human. Everyone of us struggles, I just think that some people are better at hiding the fact that they struggle. I'm right there with you in trying to balance everything with trying to live/be healthier and don't even have as much going on as you do. Don't bet yourself up over it. (((hugs)))

I was thinking last night. (While I wasn't sleepin. lol ) That I need to sit down and make a PLAN for the things that I want to accomplish and how I'm going to do it. I think that maybe if I hold myself more accountable and work harder I'll be able to stick to a schedule that I can keep for everything I want/need to do. Hmmm... Maybe even making a chart or something to try to help encourage myself to keep going by looking at my progress... IDK I'm kind of a hyper organized person when it comes to that stuff... LOL

I hope that you were able to get some rest this afternoon. Take the time you need and come out swinging. We can be each others cheering section!

(((Hugs if okay)))

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
Rose, electronic hugs are always okay, LOL, for me, that is. Thanks for your response. Love the cheerleader smiley.

Ya, I was thinking this afternoon that I really must get a written monthly budget. I've let that go, and I need it back again. It's just that I know how tight it will be, and it is overwhelming and depressing. But, one day soon, when I'm feeling a little brave, I will tackle reality. "Flying by the seat of my pants" doesn't really work for me. I inevitably end up forgetting SOMETHING, and then I find myself scrambling all the time to try to cover something.

As for chores and things, I've tried writing out a schedule for myself in the past, more than once, but I have a very difficult time trying to stick to it. I guess the up-side of living alone is that I CAN be more flexible, but I lack discipline in so many areas of my life, and it just comes back to bite me in the butt.

I know a cluttered house doesn't help depression, but have I de-cluttered yet? Nooooo. Then I feel guilty for not taking care of things the way I should, which makes me more depressed, which means I get even less done. Everything is a vicious circle.

I just feel so trapped. Will that feeling EVER go away?
Will I EVER take charge of my life?
Will I EVER make PROGRESS??

Sigh. Some days I think not. Then I think of clich?s like, "Life is not a dress rehearsal." I mean, what am I waiting for anyway??? No Mary Poppins is going to swoop in and clean up my messes.

All my childhood I heard what a lazy bum I am and that I'm good for nothing. I don't really want that to be a self-fulfilling prophecy! And for me personally, that means going to the Source of hope and reading God's promises and continuing to replace the lies with God's truth.

Truths like, I do matter, He does care for me, God planned for me to be here, and the biggie: He has a purpose for me. For me, I have to keep running to God. He picks me up, dusts me off, settles me on his lap, hugs me tight, and whispers, "I've got your back. Keep on trusting Me. With Me, nothing is impossible." I settle in and just REST in His arms because, quite honestly, this fight for sanity and healing is simply too much for me to handle by myself.

Have a good weekend, all you survivors out there! That's right, survivors. There is a resiliency and a strength that is deep within us even more so than the average person.

-Misty


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