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    can't sleep my littles are all stirred up and not feeling safe. We dreampt last night about Caprice. She was dead in our dream. this means my littles are done grieving her loss. They have declared her dead and she is now just a memory like so many others.

    They really want to post but are forbidden too. (they were mistreated on the other board and may never post here again.) I need to find an outlet for them to speak.

    life right now is a skinning me alive. my fathers birth family wants to get back in our lives and I am just so torn up about it. they have no idea how messed up I am, how i am not worth getting to know.

    multiple health issues, I out grew all my work clothes in a 4 day period. I ready need to go to the doctor and have this edema addressed. I have a weeks vacation coming the first week in June. I REALLY need this week off I am soooooo bleeping fried. I need to recharge my batteries. I have not had a week off in at least 5 years.

    ...and we are expecting the state survey team to show up any day. wanna bet they come that week I am supost to be off? I am the only one who does some things at work. If they show up I will have to work.

    They were supost to show up last month. uuggh. I really really need a break, I am so fired I am making errors and I can't tolerate that.

    we need something tonight and we don't know what, I was in bed twisting my big burn scar, now my arm is hurting. Don't want to injure to deal with this state of mind.

    why does connecting with my cousins trigger this uneasy panic in me? I only met them once. but it stires a familiar panicy fear. I met them in 1972 the year before the huge loss of memories in my past.

    just rambling, no reply needed. took some medication and staying up till I feel it. If I try to sleep in this stage I will trigger the "red" dreams.

    in my dream about Caprice her last word to me was, Breathe.

    Not only did I read her word in the dream I heard her voice. It woke me up.

    we are just feeling so lost tonite, lost an little. very little.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
  • Reply
    tnmist responded:
    (((gentle hugs))) I understand "lost and little," I do. Vulnerable, not feeling safe, triggery...I hope you have been able to make the little ones feel safer and more secure. Sure hope you get that week off! You have a lot on your plate. Not worth getting to know??? Do you know how often I would have liked having a conversation with you in person? Also hope you can get the medical situation figured out! That does not sound good at all.

    Peace to you,
    tnmist responded:
    Oh, and BTW, I'm very sorry to hear your little ones were not respected on another board - or any board. There are very few posting here, and I daresay they would be safe here, but that's a judgment call, and there are no guarantees...Glad you are keeping them safe.

    bluerose90 responded:
    (((gentle hugs if okay)))

    I really hope that you get that time off DDT. You have so much going right now. I'm so sorry that your little ones were mistreated on another board... Like Misty said, there aren't many posters here anymore but with the ones who still are I think they would be safe. (((hugs)))

    I also have to agree with Misty that you are VERY worth getting to know. You're posts here are insightful and comforting. I've read them many times and just sat here with a wow expression on my face, just speechless. You have a way with words, a way of understanding people, and a way of knowing what they need. That's a true gift. I would consider it an honor to know you.

    I hope you do get the edema checked out as soon as you can. It sounds like it would be very uncomfortable and painful. Hopefully you were able to get some sleep last night. Please take good care of yourself and the little ones.

    Where there is shadow, there is light.

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