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Lonely
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tnmist posted:
Feeling so lonely.
**Shyly waves at all the lurkers, hoping there are many out there who just aren't able to post for one reason or another.**

Plops down on the floor with finger paint and paper and stares and stares hoping for inspiration or something. Can't decide what she is feeling but has no words either. What's left? Colors. The colors will decide what she is feeling...the colors will speak for her this evening...She decides on deep purple. A page full of deep purple tears. -Misty-girl
Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

Misty
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DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
Being abused messes with the boundaries in your head. So when confronted with loneliness and you want to fill that void, with someone it can trigger that weirdness of I want someone close, but "close" means sex. So the pain of loneliness is even greater.

People have need for just companionship. To just be seen by someone else. I used to go to movies so I could stand in line. To be physically close to others without being sexual.

Loneliness can be painful. I am sorry your feeling alone.

I'm going to go tuck my daughter in in a few seconds. Wish I could tuck you in to.

night my friend.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
 
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bluerose90 responded:
(((Hugs)))

I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely tonight Misty. I wish there was something I could do to help you through it...

It can be so hard sometimes but try to remember you aren't alone. I hope that you get a lot of finger painting done. I think that would be a great way to get out the things you're feeling.

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
Thank you DDT and Rose. Sleepless night again. Week is going downhill quickly. See T on Friday. Feeling a bit hopeless about everything.
Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

Misty
 
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bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
(((Hugs))) Hang in there.
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
Thank you. Sometimes it does feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails to the side of a cliff, but I'm still here.

Saw my T today. It went so well that he wants to see me next week, too, without a co-pay. Sigh. (Usually it's been every other week, but I skipped the last time, and it was a month since I had seen him.) I went downhill a lot this week, and I was grateful for the opportunity to sit in his office with tears running down my cheeks while he reminded me of some things. The basics, really.

You know, stuff like: It wasn't my fault. I don't need to feel humiliated and embarrassed to share some things with him. Life will get better. I won't always have these flashbacks and intrusive images. The memories are really a blessing for me because for many years we didn't know the root cause of my major chronic depression, and now we do, and my brain is unloading stuff...like lancing an infection-filled wound in order for it to heal.

That sort of stuff. I did hear him. But the mental pain I have been in this week sort of made him sound like the teacher in a Peanuts story. You know what I mean? "Whon-wha-whon-wokka-wok" (Hard to put that sound into letters!)

We did talk about hospitalization briefly, but I told him that would only make my bills pile up higher and the stress worse, and right now that is not the answer for me. He reluctantly agreed. He is a good and decent man. That's when he insisted I return next week, too. I feel so guilty not being able to meet my co-pays right now with those visits. It's very hard for me to accept yet another free appointment.

Also, I told him about some physical problems I've been having, daily headaches being one of them, and he thinks my hormones are out of whack, which they probably are. He recommended that, at the very least, I try a natural progesterone cream, which may help. So, I will try that.

And my Wellbutrin came this week (mail order), so I very reluctantly started back on an antidepressant. I managed to stay off for about a year, but I'm struggling so much again.

Between physical problems, being triggered in a major way by a lawn mower motor droning on and on, and intrusive images and sort of an FB this week, ya, it's been a rough week.

Thank you for listening, if anyone is out there. Guess I'm done now. Going to take a little nap. It's a nice little escape from reality.
Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

Misty
 
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bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
Hey Misty,

I'm so glad that your T is doing so much to work with you. He does really sound like a good guy. I really hope that the meds start to help you and then with your T's help you can make some more progress.

Sorry about your flashbacks and stuff... I know how hard it is to deal with. (((hugs))) I wish there was more I could do to help you. Please vent here as much as you need to. It's a good place for it.

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
Thank you, Rose. I've been feeling so young and vulnerable ever since that motor trigger earlier this week. I have to cloak all that in the morning because I have someplace to be, but tomorrow afternoon maybe I'll do something just for Misty-Girl. She wants to get a message to my (our) T, and I need to let her create her message, whatever that may be.
Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

Misty
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to tnmist's response:
Just a note ...

I found out last year, after being on HCTZ (hydrochlorothythiazide) -- a water pill -- for a long time -- that it was stripping my potassium. Come to find out that's one of the major neurotransmitters involved in depression! If your hormones are out of whack, make sure it's not your potassium, because mine was crazy low!! I had to have my water pill changed to spironolactone because HCTZ was killing my potassium!
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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tnmist replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
Thanks for the heads up..I had blood work done recently and my potassium was fine, I think. It wasn't on my radar. I'll look at the results again.
Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

Misty
 
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tnmist replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
Bad night.
Just....a bad night.
Running out of Kleenex.
My dog Jack sniffs my tears, and I smile in spite of myself.

How is it that I want to be left alone but feel so alone tonight at the same time? The house is too quiet.

Been wanting to call up an ex-bf for awhile now. I miss our phone conversations. We had so much in common. Then I remind myself that he is definitely not a safe person, and it would lead to more hurt because he doesn't believe me and thinks this is all made up. It took a good year for me to believe my T when he would reassure me and reassure me that my history is REAL. I will not subject Abby-Girl to someone like my ex-bf on purpose. That much I can do.

Still seems surreal, and I am invisible, and I don't matter. It took so many years for my Abby-Girl to find her voice, but sometimes it just seems safer to not talk. But Friday will come, and I will find myself in my T's office where I will echo these thoughts, albeit in writing again, and he will patiently attempt some more mending for this broken, broken little girl.
Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

Misty
 
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tnmist replied to tnmist's response:
FYI, "Abby-Girl" has been the name of my inner child for a long time, at least 20 years. I actually didn't intend to use it, but, well, there it is...
Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

Misty
 
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tnmist replied to tnmist's response:
  • ******************???TRIGGER???*******************

    *****************************************************

    ****************************************************

    Too many thoughts in my head, blips, phrases, crazy things...Will try to write down for my T to sort out, or at least be aware of....kitchen..........but I only see the bottom of the fridge and the lower kitchen cabinets next to them............a new name I am given, "whore," maybe because I'm not as young.

    Not every "dad" is worth celebrating.

    At least I know what I'm drawing today. Will be using a lot of red.
    Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

    Misty
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    bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
  • Sits next to you quietly and brings more paper and crayons. A few cookies and drinks. Hoping that you won't feel so alone.*

    (((hugs)))

    Rose
    Where there is shadow, there is light.
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    tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
    Your presence is appreciated. Thank you...Um, what kind of cookies?
    Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

    Misty


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