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    trigger...abusive husband...trigger
    love2hate posted:
    this is my third time tring to write this, for some reason pushing the send button is a lot more difficult then i would have imagined. i keep deleting what i want to say for the fear of getting peoples pity. what happened to me throughout my life sucked, i have always hated myself in every shape, way and form from the sexual abuse i have endured. it started when i was 5 and lasted until high school by different guys and yes a couple girls. when i found my husband, i told him all that i have been through, he was actually the first person i told all the stories too. he said he would never hurt me, but he lied. he ended up hurting me and telling me, im your husband, i can do what i want to you. so i just would lay there, my mind going to my happy place, my body numb to what he was doing and just took it. i felt alone unable to talk with anyone because in my mind i thought no one would believe me about the acts i was going through. it has made me believe men are mistrustworthy and in the end just out to hurt me. i currently like a guy, who knows about my past, who cares for me, and i somehow find a reason to push him away. i want to be loved, but how can a person love me when i dont love myself.. i have changed quite a bit, for instance i dont bite my nails anymore, or self harm. i can look at myself in a mirror and think im beautiful on most days where as before i couldnt look at myself in a mirror at all. i am a work in progress just tring to find my happiness that everyone deserves no matter how beaten down and alone you may feel, i am here to finally take a stand and break the silence. now its time to break the cycle !
    tnmist responded:
    Welcome, L2H. I'm glad you found us, but I am very sorry for the reasons. Thank you for your courage to share some of your story. It IS difficult to voice our pain, but I do believe that is part of the journey of healing because so much of SA is all about secrecy, lies, and never telling.

    I hope you don't mind, but I want to say something here. In my humble opinion (IMHO), I know that perps and victims many times gravitate to each other. Unless a person has been in counseling, usually, he/she tends to keep repeating the past. It's very important for me to state that I am in NO way suggesting abuses toward you are your fault!! NEVER would I say that. I'm just saying that sometimes we get stuck in destructive patterns until we gain insight into why we do what we do.

    I will use myself as an example. I was in a relationship of sorts (6 months but a few cities away so mostly phone calls and email) when I started going down a path I recognized I had done before. About that time was when I also started getting bombarded by my memories. I realized that part of the damage done ended up in my having no boundaries. Once I recognized that, I put the brakes on that relationship (which ended very badly, I will add), and even if I would want to be in another relationship I know I just can't right now until I work through more of this and figure out how to keep myself safe and be able to set boundaries.
    Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

    bluerose90 responded:
    Hi L2H,

    Welcome to the board. Like Misty said, I'm so sorry for the reasons behind you being here.

    Thank you for sharing part of your story with us. It's extremely hard to open up like that. It sounds like you are on the journey of healing and you've made a lot of progress! We can be quiet on here sometimes but we are a caring bunch and always willing to listen. You're not alone anymore and this is a safe place.

    Where there is shadow, there is light.
    marysings replied to bluerose90's response:
    Welcome Love2Hate. Your story is very sad and I'm sure it was difficult to share. Thank you for trusting us.

    We are all in different stages of healing, so our posts can take a different tone. Never be ashamed of asking questions, never be ashamed to answer a question. If we don't share, we don't make progress.

    I hope you will be happy here. Trust is our motto. Kindness is our goal. Empathy with each other creates closeness.

    Welcome to the SA community.
    I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
    love2hate replied to marysings's response:
    thank you to all 3 of you for replying. i have taken the extra step in seeking help, by getting a professional and wanting to talk in a support group, which is a huge step for me. at the end of all this, i want to volunteer at a shelter for abused women, and hopefully help change lives. i read a quote that said, god wouldnt put us through this life, if he did not think we could handle it.
    marysings replied to love2hate's response:
    I'm proud of you, L2H. You have made some very wise decisions!

    Keep us up to date on your progress.

    All the best to you,
    I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.

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