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Seeking help as Couple - Need advice for us
GoodFriend posted:
We were married in mid 2012 and having a happy married life until few sexual harassment happened to my wife. Explaining in detail:

We got married and on 7th day of my marriage I had to travel abroad (business). I took my wife along with me for a while wherein she had to return within 3 weeks back to native and join her new job in the company i am working. I have to be at abroad for another 6 months.

Yes It was hard but we had to do that. Me and my wife were in a 5 long years of relationship and we thought we can get over with this duration staying distant to each other.

She joined her job and I was concentrating in my job abroad. We used to speak in phone and skype. There was lot of things happening to both of us and hugely frustrated for being separated after just being married.

I used to share things with my boss and he used to convince me.

My wife too used to share things with her colleage, with this guy. My wife is the team lead while this guy is just a team member. He is older than us, but since he had no relavant experience he had to work as a team member. He is surviving by his mother, wife, sister and his daughter. She used to share our longings to each other, her feelings and stuff. This guy used this opportunity and crossed the limits with my wife. Me, the husband not being around, he started talking to her in sexual oriented. He had told Stuff like below (what i understood from my wife told me in the midst of her cries after me returning):

1. Me and my wife had not been in sexual relationship for a while
2. My wife does not allow me to touch her
3. I am craving for a sexual outburst
4. Your husband is quarrelling with you because you have not satisfied him sexually
5. You should try blow job and stuff
6. Since your husband is abroad you should use masturbation using carrots
7. I will share you a pen drive of videos
8. I am really lonely this weekend, we can go out, just for a coffee
9. We can go out on saturday (next day) and stuff

All these (his behaviour) happened in a friday evening. My wife had to go for weekend college the next day and the her scares started the very next day. She was afraid that he might show up in the college since she had told the venue to him as a friend. My wife is staying with my parents and she is scared like

"what will happen if my inlaws learns about this shameful incident"
"What will happen if my husband comes to know about this and mistakes me"
"what if world will think bad about me to give this guy 'space' to talk like this"
"he had not talked like this to any other girl but only with me he had talked like this, what went wrong? am i looking like such a girl?"
"he used to say things about other girls in the team like "this girl sleeps with that guy and stuff", what if he tells things about me around"
"in this corporate world he was such a daring person to talk like this, is he influential, what will be my career then"

She didnt spoke about this a word to any one. THinking of that he is an influential person, she didnt even revealed this to human resource department.

After all these things, she stopped talking to me, she left to her parents place. I had no clue about what is going on. Whenever i called her she is dull, easily crying and i had never seen such things in her before marriage. I thought marriage, new life and separation is making things go wild and everything will be ok.

1. I went lonely in the chinese country, separated, left prey
2. Started drinking just looking at skype screen expecting her
3. I had to pull myself out of the position sooner and travel back to join her
4. This affected my career, management decided that i am "unstable" to work abroad anymore and had to wind up local works till now
GoodFriend responded:
The effects on my wife after this incident:

1. She developed fear among relationships, especially me
2. Lost interest (performance) in work, afraid to move around in team
3. Fear of being near this guy, wherever he is in the team
4. Eventually lost her team leadership to this guy
5. Started dressing awfully just not to attract others especially him
6. Developed fever and swollen joints eventually diagnosed Rheumatoid arthritis (by this time i was with her and I helped her with all the medications and doctor visits)

RA symptoms usually known to come after traumatic incidents in life.

I was assigned in the same team where my wife and this guy was working. I used to talk to this guy normally as a friend coz i remembered very well my wife mentioned about him to be a good friend some time before.

After a long struggle one night she told me everything of this incided among her agonyzing pain and cries. I was initially shattered and filled with mixed feelings. I was wondering why she took the incident so seriously and why would she think that i might mistake her. I convinced her, consoled her and encouraged her to take this up to Human Resource. Meanwhile she slowly started becoming normal, talking to friends. She made a new friend in another team around. This new girl asked her why she is looking dull and sick for a long period of time. Also she notived her scaring towards this guy. She too said that this guy is from a decent family but always started at her parts.

So, both my wife and her friend went to human resource. They listened to their grievance, convinced them and left them. They said there is no proof on this complaint. This is the first impact that we felt the issue back fired on us. IF they leave a sexual harasser for being "no proof on complaint" would my wife made this all up? Is she making this up just for attention and making trouble? To become a new team lead? Oh come on she was already used to be a team lead for a team of 6 members including this guy.

After this she was moved to a new team and continued to be a team leaeder. This guy was promoted with a huge salary hike.

After a long wait, we went on to complaint about this to our very senior person (like a VP) regarding this. He too listned to her and forwarded it to another senior manager in our line. This manager, simply called her and listned to her, said that he will talk to that guy. This time my wife had forgot many things happened and the manager predominantly understood that the complaint is mostly about staring. He talked to that guy too.

After this incident he never looks at the direction my wife is around. The manager pulled my wife out of the project and posted her in another project (if there is no other project which could accomodate her, she might be fired, right?)
Now only me left behind, she is in new project in another building, am scared to be here. This guy who about to and almost ruined our everything, our married life, professional life, my reputation and most importantly my wife's very health is here walking around me, happily shouting at his team and stuff, looking at me as if he had 'succeeded'.

I have not discussed this to my wife and i dont want to. I dont want to discuss this to her because i dont want her to know that i am weak, left alone here. Because she is pregnand now and i just want her to be happy.

But I am feeling scared, stressful. I feel like nothing here, I dont want to work with this organization anymore. Before I quit, I wanted to share this with fellow friends in WebMD who have helped me in various ways in my life. Kindly help me with this, Please.
slik_kitty replied to GoodFriend's response:
I would say ask for a transfer or find another job.
GoodFriend replied to slik_kitty's response:
Dear Friend, I have asked for a release from this project but they asked me to wait. I am waiting for about 3 months now. This is scary and frustrating.
slik_kitty replied to GoodFriend's response:
you should both be looking for another job. this company doesn't seem to care about its people.

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