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Need Advise Please TRIGGER
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1ladyjane1 posted:
I am 26 now. I grew up very very sheltered. by the age of 18 I had was still a virgin and had never even made out with a boy. I had a cousin who was double my age 36. He was in the military and never in the usa. so we chatted on email and phone. I saw him like a big brother. He helped me with my homework and we talked about places he had seen. All conversations rated PG. One day he said he was gunna be close by a few towns over from me for business and I should come see him. He said the air force is having a formal party so bring a formal dress and then later we will have a movie marathon and watch all the movies your parents will not let you see. this sounded like fun so I went. He skipped the party and I don't think there ever was any movies. I ended up being SA for 2 days. It was aweful. This was the most scary thing I have every been threw. I felt scared and betrayed. then he left out of the usa again. I never told my family. I tried my best to pretend he didn't exist and nothing happened bc he was never here. But 3 years ago he moved back and I have to see him every Thanksgiving. I try to act normal in front of all my family so no one asks questions. but its hard. Im soooo scared of him and when Im there he taunts me on purpose I think he finds it amusing. Last year I sat next to my parents at the table thinking I would be safe and he sat next to me and licked his finger and stuck it in my ear. It took every oz of me not to freak out right then and there..... thanksgiving is coming up soon
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slik_kitty responded:
hugs if ok. so sorry that happened to you. are you in therapy? that will help you in dealing with what happened.
 
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tnmist responded:
So sorry that has happened to you, Lady Jane. I imagine there are pros and cons to being someplace else on T-giving. Do you have a trusted friend or relative you can confide in and perhaps bring with you, if you choose to attend the get together? Maybe someone willing to act as your body guard for the day? He is not a safe person, obviously, to be around.

I also thought of therapy as a goal for you, if you haven't had any. SA messes us up in numerous ways. I personally have found therapy to be a real life saver.

There is also a wonderful book out there called "The Courage to Heal."

Unfortunately, chances are that you are not the only one he has done this to. Please understand that he is the one who should be avoiding these gatherings and you - not the other way around. You have done nothing wrong! All the shame, etc., is all his - not yours. That is really hard to believe, I know. I am still working on that myself. Try to think about taking back your power - he should be intimidated by you. He is the perp. He is the bad guy and belongs in jail.

I know I don't know you or anything, but I hope at some point you get really angry about what he did and tell him in no uncertain terms that if he ever lays a finger on you again you are calling the cops. Perps rely on the victim's shame to keep it all hush-hush, but the shame all belongs to him.

Sorry for rambling on. Hope something in here is useful to you. Wish I could be of more help.

((Gentle hugs, if okay))
Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

Misty
 
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marysings responded:
Oh dear. How awful for you that a wonderful holiday day can be ruined through NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN.

I would advise you that counseling would be the best thing for you. Find one with experience in sexual abuse...they will have the background to help you - in particular, help you through the upcoming holiday.

I wish you all the best,
Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
 
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bluerose90 responded:
((((hugs if okay))) I'm so sorry that you've gone through that. it's important for you to remember that what happened wasn't your fault. Like what the others have said counseling might really help you work through what's happened to you. I'm just a couple years younger than you and grew up very sheltered too.

Believe me I know how hard it is when you have to see and deal with the person who abused you... It's something that I had to deal with a lot. Keeping my distance and staying close to friends helped me a lot. Especially making sure that I wasn't left alone with the person either.

The book "The Courage to Heal" is a good one to check into too. I would recommend looking into seeing a counselor or a Therapist too.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to reply. I don't come into this board very often anymore.

Welcome to the board but I'm sorry that you're here if you know what I mean.

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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aenriquez25 responded:
Hello: Hope today has been a good day for you!
Just wanted to know, have you talked to anyone? Do you have a family member that you can trust? Seek professional help, or a support group of people that understand what you went through (real people that you can socialize with). After you have the strenght maybe it would be a good thing to mantain a support system and take it from there.
 
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1ladyjane1 replied to aenriquez25's response:
sorry Its taken me a few days to reply. I don't have a computer of my own yet. Thank you everyone for your advise. I have been thinking of going to therapy. I have never tried it before. It is really nice to talk to people who can relate and who understand. My brother and his wife do know and they stick by me when we go to thanksgiving but there is only so much they can do. before my family starts asking questions. I think the one of the reasons I'm really so threatened is that he is a 4th degree black belt and teaches martial arts as well. I feel like If he really wanted to bring someone down he could with ease. No guy or guys could stand up agents him. He is a dangerous guy...I will defiantly have to check out that book everyone is recommending. Thank you everyone so much y'all really are making this time of year a little easier on me.
 
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bluerose90 replied to 1ladyjane1's response:
(((gentle hugs if okay))) I'm glad that you have your brother and his wife at least that can help you as much as possible.

I understand why you would be concerned with him hurting someone if they stood up to him. It sounds like he is very dangerous. Please be careful.

I had come onto this board before and talked, anonymously, when I first started confronting my abuse, but I have to say that I didn't start to make much progress at all until I saw a counselor. She helped me to work through what had happened. It's not something that is going to heal overnight but in time it does get easier.

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.


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