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Female on female rape?
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brianf55 posted:
Here is the story: one of my closest female friends (who is married) had a sexual encounter about one year ago that involved herself and another woman. After going out to a bar with some friends she ended up home alone with this woman, they were both drunk, and as she tells it, they both ended up naked and kissing. The woman then performed oral sex on her until her husband came home and caught them. The husband was considerably upset and this resulted in my friend freaking out and, in great confidence, she admits to me that that was the worst night of her life. She harbors lots of anger toward this woman (who at the time was a mutual friend among our circle of friends) and says she can never forgive her for what she did to her. My friend also claimed to have been unable to have sex with her husband for several months after the incident.

As a close friend, who is close enough to have been told this story, I am wondering if this interaction would classify as acquaintance rape? An insensitive person might just chalk it up as a failed sexual experiment that my friend feels guilt over, but I've been reading up on rape statistics and information, and I'm thinking this event might be close to the definition. There was alcohol involved (impairing judgment) and my friend says that she felt unable to stop it as it was happening as if she were a puppet. Also this woman has since become notorious for propositioning many male friends of ours and sleeping with several other people we know. I obviously care a lot for my friend and I want to be able to have her keep confiding in me and help her heal from this experience when she asks for my help, so I'm very interested to know if her experience would in deed classify as rape.

Also this experience has affected me greatly as well, and if you can help me by answering my question I thank you very much.
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brianf55 responded:
Also are there any materials online that deal with this sort of rape (female on female acquaintance) or any websites that might have information to help survivors of this type of rape? I want to be able to help my friend if she brings it up again or asks for help.
 
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MarySings responded:
The couple are blessed to have you in their lives, however, if you have no training in counseling, it's best not to get involved. You can encourage them to find a counselor trained in sexual abuse because, yes, your female friend was raped. Your part in their therapy stops the minute they or she begins counseling with a professional.

I'm sorry that happened to your friends. The perpetrator, the "loose" woman, needs help but that will only happen when she realizes that she has a problem. You would be wise to stay out of her way.

Being close to someone who's been abused is hard. You want desperately to help and yet you aren't trained to do that. Encourage the couple to get therapy. The therapist will probably want to see the female first and then do couple therapy.

It's simply a very sad situation. I hope the new year will give them hope that there is healing.

Mary
 
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brianf55 responded:
I don't believe she has confronted the idea of it being rape, at least not outwardly. Her husband was the one who initially told me about what had happened, and he told me, while he was drunk at a bar, that it was nothing and that they just got touchy feely and that was it. It wasn't until a few days later when my friend told me about it herself, and her information and reaction is what led me to think it could be rape. But her husband's reaction and her self-analysis seems like they would rather not confront the experience as a rape. The next time she mentions it, would I be doing more damage than good by suggesting that she seek rape counseling and that she treat the interaction as rape?

I feel like everything you read and hear about rape is a man against a woman and it is clear cut rape, and scenarios like this are never discussed, so people who are victims of these types of rape blame themselves and chalk it up as "bad decisions". If I believe she was raped and that she has not confronted that possibility yet or sough help do I just say nothing?
 
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xbigbenx responded:
Sorry to hear about your friend. However did she say she told her no, or anything like that? She may need counseling for a traumatic event, but to call it rape with the info you provided seems a bit to much.

The info that would decide if she needs counseling is if it affects her life afterwards. Obviously her marriage is going to have problems. But how about her life? Does she have flashbacks? Does she have any other rape related issues? You did not mention any other than remorse and anger.

Also, the fact that the other woman is "loose" according to your definition does not mean she raped someone. Lots of people are "loose" and never rape anyone....
 
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SuzanneZ1 responded:
Be careful with putting the idea of rape in her head if that's not definitely how she experienced it. She may just be upset because she cheated and got caught in a horrible way, and - it sounds like - maybe was too drunk, manipulated, or shocked to stop it whenever she realized it wasn't what she wanted. It sounds pretty awful. But rape involves a lot of fear, and/or truly being incapacitated. Only your friend can know if that was the situation, but let her figure it out for herself with a (good!) therapist (who she feels fully respects her experience.) Your true concern for what she went through has probably helped her more than anything, though!
 
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SuzanneZ1 responded:
There is no way for anyone to tell if this woman was raped or not only from the information provided.
 
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awesomelexie responded:
You said she was "maybe was too drunk, manipulated, or shocked to stop it whenever she realized it wasn't what she wanted."

Being too drunk, being manipulated, and being too shocked to stop it when she realized it wasn't what she wanted - that's rape.

"But rape involves a lot of fear, and/or truly being incapacitated". Nope. You had it right the first time.
 
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Stacyont07 responded:
[TRIGGER] I think she was more humiliated at being caught by her husband. about 4 yrs ago I was raped by another female.I was walking home at 2:30 am from he bar I worked at. next thing I know a (teen) girl came frpm behind me and put a knife to my throat and forced me into the bottem level of a parking garage. for the next hour or so she made me strip and do things with her like let her kiss me, and witht he knife still at my throat she forced me to give her oral sex twice. the attack had a racail element to it...I am caucasian and she was native Indian...and she made a point of letting me know that was a big part of why she singled me out. I have seen her around town since and she always smiles at me with this knowing look in her eyes.. It has been a rough four years


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