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Just found out my partner has herpes, need advice
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An_245733 posted:
I have been having unprotected sex with my partner for about a month now and I just found out that she has genital herpes. I know I've been exposed to it and now I'm scared for my health as well as our relationship. I have a few questions,

1. I know it is possible to spread herpes even without an outbreak, I've seen the commercials etc, but I want to know from a perspective of a professional or from someone who's actually lived with this, how likely it really is to spread without an outbreak. My partner seems to think it is very unlikely ( she has not had an outbreak in over 3 years)

2. How long do I need to wait before I get tested? I've heard that it can take a certain amount of time before it will show up in a blood test due to the body having to build up the antibodies.

3. She really caught me off guard with this and I'm kinda of scared and am really having a tough time in dealing with this situation, does anyone have any advice on how to cope with this? I really care about her a lot and can see a real future with her but I'm afraid that this is going to affect our relationship. If I do have it I feel like I may harbor some resentment toward her for not telling me I was putting myself at risk until it was too late and if I don't have it I feel like I may be too scared of getting it to have a healthy relationship.

Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated, thanks
Reply
 
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abe648 responded:
The risk to you is as follows. If she avoids sex when she has an ob then the chances are 96% that you will not get it. If she also does that and takes suppressive therapy then it increases to 98% that you will not get it. If she avoids sex when she has an ob and takes suppressive therapy and you use a condom then the chances or you not getting it is 99%.

Ask her if she is on suppressive therapy? If she is then the risk is 98% that you will not get it.

Do not hold this against her. She needs to be loved like we all do and if you love her and care for her then forgive her and do not bring up this and hold it against her again as long as you two are together. Many people have long good lasting relationships even with herpes.

When it comes to getting tested do it at the 3 month point and that will then give you good results as to if you have or do not have herpes.

Love her unconditionally. God Bless the two of you.
To learn more read the Herpes Handbook. Terri Warren's book The Good News about the Bad News. It is available now as am e-book. Click on my avatar to get more details.
 
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Jon112 replied to abe648's response:
Thank you, that's a great sentiment. I really want to love her unconditionally, I'm just having a difficult time getting past this trust issue. She is on suppressive therapy, I found her Rx for Valtrex, hence how I found out she has herpes. I'm not sure what it was going to take for her to tell me on her own or if she ever was going to tell me and I think that's the worst part, that she would willingly expose me to this. I feel that should have been my decision, if I want to live with this for the rest of my life in order to have a relationship with her and I feel kind of betrayed that it didn't happen that way.

Other than this issue she is one of the most amazing people I've ever met and I would really like to get more educated on this subject, I feel like if I understand it better I may have an easier time coping with it.

Also just curious where did you get those statistics from? I would really like to believe those but I haven't been able to find such promising information myself.
 
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abe648 replied to Jon112's response:
When it comes to her telling you then you need to understand that it is really hard to tell someone you have genital herpes. So I know she should have told you but look on the bright side and understand how hard it is to tell someone that you have herpes.

You say she is a great gal so forgive her and ask her that if she has other issues in her life in the future that she tells you and that you tell her that if she tells you then you will not get upset. She needs to know that you love her and will accept her. Sounds like you really care for her and if so then be a man and tell her how much you love her and as I said before never bring this up again. When she has ob's then just hold her and love her. She needs to know that you care for her.

Just to let you know that my wife still does not have herpes and that is over 20 years now. So just because she has herpes it does not mean you will get it. You could and if that happens you will have to be understanding and love her.

The odds are in Terri warren's book "The Good News about the Bad News" See my signature line for a link to the Herpes Handbook and to Terri's Book.
To learn more read the Herpes Handbook. Terri Warren's book The Good News about the Bad News. It is available now as am e-book. Click on my avatar to get more details.
 
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Jon112 replied to abe648's response:
Thanks for the advice, it really freaked me out at first because I've never delt with this before but the more I research it and talk to people the more I realize it's not that big of a deal, and I definetly don't want to let it get in the way of our relationship. I'll check out those books and by the way I did get tested already (even though I'll probably go again in 2 more months) and it was negative so that definetly puts my mind at easy a bit. Not to pry but Im curious from a medical standpoint over that 20year period do you often have unprotected sex? I would really like to be able to go back to the sex life I had with her before I found this out so I'm just curious, she seems to think its very unlikely to be spread if she doesn't have an outbreak, thanks again
 
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IWantToKno responded:
As a herpes sufferer for over 30 years I have some experience in this area, so even though I'm not an expert, I have expert experience.

First, don't hold it against her that she couldn't find it in herself to tell you. There is nothing harder than being in a relationship and knowing that you're going to have to tell the other person that you have a disease that they could catch and that will stay with them the rest of their life. It has been a dealbreaker for me and can be heartbreaking when you discover that the other person doesn't love you enough to be willing to take a chance, despite all your precautions.

Second, I would thoroughly dispute the "evidence" that you can pass this disease on when yours is truly dormant. I am a 30 year test case for this. I am VERY careful, and avoid sex completely when I even suspect an outbreak. Since I feel an obligation to be open with partners I am certain they would have told me if they had contracted it. Even in a 15 year marriage I did not pass this virus on to my partner. So, keep the faith, it IS possible to protect you from contracting it!

Third, the fact that she is taking Valtrex is a sign that she cares enough to protect her partner. When I contracted it, there was no treatment, so Valtrex for the last 10 years, in a daily low dose almost completely eliminated all outbreaks for me.

I hope this have been helpful to you and I hope you will love her and trust that she will protect you from this terrible disease.
 
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abe648 replied to Jon112's response:
Ok so I found out that I had GH 2 and two years later things changed in our life and there was no need to use condoms. I just avoided sex when I had an ob. So for 16 years we did not use condoms and I was not using any suppressive therapy as my Doc was so clueless about treating HSV 2 genitally. Then I found this site and found out that I could decrease my ob's if I went on suppressive therapy and I did. So really no condoms used.

The thing you have to realize is that you could get it. My wife has been blessed not to have gotten HSV 2 in all these years. The greatest exposure is if you have sex when she is shedding or has an ob that she may not be aware of. In order for herpes to spread there must be heat and friction. So if the two of you are exceptionally dry when making love make sure that you use a good lube to keep the area well lubed. I hope this helps and if you have any questions keep on asking so we can help you.
To learn more read the Herpes Handbook. Terri Warren's book The Good News about the Bad News. It is available now as am e-book. Click on my avatar to get more details.
 
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Jon112 replied to abe648's response:
Heat and friction is needed to spread, why is that? I was under the impression that it only took contact during an outbreak. She seems to have a good grasp on when an outbreak is going to occur, she's had it for 5 years and has always known the first signs. What exactly is shedding and how can you tell when that occurs?

So when the virus is completely dorment that is when there is no outbreak and no shedding right, just for future reference if she has an outbreak how long does it generally take to go dorment again?

Thanks again guys, these posts are very reassuring that I can have a solid relationship and not contract the virus myself
 
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abe648 replied to Jon112's response:
You are right that you could get it at anytime even with being well lubed but from what I understand is that the risk is greater if the area is dry from what I have learned on this site is that the Heat and friction allows it to transmit easier.

She can be shedding and not even know it. The shedding can happen for short periods of time. In the Herpes Handbook it talks about shedding and explains it better that I can explain it to you.

She knows when she is getting a ob and from the time it starts till it is over takes anywhere from 4-7 days. You will just have to trust her to tell you when she is able to make love again after an ob.

Here is a link to the Herpes Handbook http://www.westoverheights.com/ Click on the Herpes tab and read the handbook and also watch the video which I think will help you understand herpes better. Just keep on asking questions so we can help you further.
To learn more read the Herpes Handbook. Terri Warren's book The Good News about the Bad News. It is available now as am e-book. Click on my avatar to get more details.
 
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chubbsley replied to abe648's response:
hi, you all have been very supportive in this matter, and I was wondering if you can extend it to me. My partner waited 2 years to tell me he has HS2. Boy was I upset! he is not on suppresive therapy, and he has said we have not have sex while he was having an outbreak. He told me only because he was having one and we couldn't make love. I have already been tested and am awaiting the results. I feel this is the ultimate betrayal. He took away my choice to be with him or not. And, he put my health at risk, I don't know if that is easily forgiven...any advice?
 
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abe648 replied to chubbsley's response:
I think that the info above is really helpful and you need to decide if you can still love him? As noted in the other posts it is really hard to tell someone that you have herpes. Remember that 1 in 5 men have herpes so if you decide to not stay with him there is still a 20% chance that you will meet a guy who may have herpes.


I cannot tell you how to feel that is something you will have to do on your own. If you think back before you knew this and if you was a great guy that you loved then is he worth the risk. That is what you need to decide. Yes you could get HSV 2 genitally and you would need to be able to livve with that if it happens. There are many discordant couples which is where one person has herpes and the other does not. The risk for Male to Female transmission is a bit higher and so I would reccomend that you click on the Tiger and see the odds of Male to Female transmission of HSV 2.

God bless you as you decide what to do. If you have any more questions please ask. There is nothing to personal to ask as if you do not ask you will not know the answer. We are here to help you get all the facts so you can decide and know you made the right decision.

PS Please ask for a copy of your testing and post the numeric test results here if it is an IgG type specific blood test. All you need to post is HSV 1 igg is .60 and HSV 2 igg is 1.75 or what ever it is. If they do an IgM blood test do not bother posting those results that test is not an accuarte test to tell you if you have HSV 1 or 2
Abe ... Read more in the Herpes Handbook. Watch the Herpes Video and Terri Warren's book The Good News about the Bad News. All located under the heading Herpes at http://www.westoverheights.com/


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