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What do I do now?
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An_249569 posted:
Hey everyone. First I would like to acknowledge that it takes a lot of courage to get on here and say so much. I had every intention of getting on here and reading stories without saying a word and your honesty has encouraged me not to do that.

I am 22, a recent college grad, and in a new relationship. The other day I was concerned that my ex (who cheated on me for the last six months of of our two year engagement) may have given me an STD. I knew something was wrong and went to an urgent care. The doctor did all the tests, sent samples to the lab, and told me that he is relatively sure that I have HSV. That was two days ago.

Since I have been a wreck. I am angry at my ex for cheating and angry at myself for letting him convince me that we didn't need to use condoms. He was not just my first, but I was madly in love with him and wanted to make him happy. The thing is, I know better. I worked for a nonprofit that was all about healthy relationships and protecting your sexual health. I knew more about STDs, condoms, and the rest than I ever wished to and this still happened.

I know that all the things I did were my choice and I am responsible for the consequences. However, I keep reading all this stuff about not blaming yourself, not being ashamed, and living a full life with HSV and it all sounds good, but I can't see myself doing any of that.

I am terrified to tell my boyfriend. For now I told him I had a UTI and was on antibiotics. I told him we had to abstain until I finished the meds and was feeling better. I know I have to tell him and I know he has the right to stay or go, but I hate that my ex has so much control over me when he has already hurt me so much.

Your stories give me hope and I want to deal with this in a smart and healthy way, but I am terrified, angry, ashamed, the list goes on...

I need honest answers about how to have this conversation with my boyfriend without becoming overly emotional. What do I say to my ex, if anything at all, and is it wrong of me to want to cut all ties with him considering we were previously friends? Who else, other my than my boyfriend, needs to know? I assume I have to say something to my doctor, but do I have to tell my family?

Any advice and insight would be appreciated. Thanks.

-Angry and Confused
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abe648 responded:
Duplicate
Abe ... Read more in the Herpes Handbook. Watch the Herpes Video and Terri Warren's book The Good News about the Bad News. All located under the heading Herpes at http://www.westoverheights.com/
 
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AmberBee responded:
Reading this makes me feel like I'm not alone. I found out at 9:30am on CHRISTMAS EVE that I contracted herpes II from the second person I've ever had sex with two weeks ago when we had sex for the first and only time....I feel the same way you feel...depressed, self-blaming, ashamed, confused....

Except I was lucky to have a family friend who has been through EVERYTHING in her life to talk to. She told me as far as telling my family goes, I should do it at my own pace after I have had time to process what has happened to me.....because technically it's not their business since it doesn't affect them, but they should know. I would suggest the same for you....

Also, as for your boyfriend....I told the person who gave me herpes (he didn't know he had it....) right away so that he could get checked and just take care of any issues related to this...If youre abstaining from sex I guess it would be okay not to tell him until you process it....if you're worried about him leaving I might figure out where his head is right now and just play "what if" with him and suggest "what would you do if you found out an old lover gave you herpes?" or something like that

.....I hope I've helped you out...I'm also looking for someone to talk to, so it would be great if maybe we could talk since we both recently found out....I'm freaking out about this whole "in the first year you may have 4-5 outbreaks" thing....I'm so scared!!
 
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sld2012 replied to AmberBee's response:
AmberBee:


Thanks for helping me to feel not so alone. I wish this hadn't happened to either of us. I am abstaining right now because I am unfortunately in the midst of an outbreak. My bf is abstaining (ie not begging me to give in because he is a dumbass and caught his dick in the zipper of his jeans the other day...lets just say he has some healing to do too (hope that made you laugh)). I would love to talk and support each other through this, but I know very little right now so I cannot really be a source of information.

You should check out livestrong.com though. There are a lot of articles on how to change your lifestyle to reduce the number of outbreaks. Good luck and keep in touch.

-S
 
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lolv11 responded:
I've had this thing for about 3 years now and I never knew then that I'd make it this far. I thought life was over for me too. So having been in your position where you think its the end of the world, no one will ever love you... I can tell you it will get better.

My ex who gave me HSV, he and I didn't speak for more than a year. He just cut me off as if it was my fault so there I was with an incurable disease and no closure to the relationship that had given it to me. This made it extremely difficult to deal with. And yes I cried A LOT! About a year and half later he spoke to me, aplogized and I got the closure I longingly desired... we're okay friends now because I needed to forgive him in order to move on with my life.

The dating scene was non existent till a year ago when I met my current bf want to know how I told my bf about my little problem??? Over facebook!!! for weeks I had been stringing him along telling him there was something he needed to know etc but i just couldnt bring myself to say it to his face. We took things at moderate pace, I did what I was taught on this same board to be armed with all the info to answer all the possible questions he could ask and it went well, he too did his own research and here we are a year later!

It happened for me... it'll happen for u. Just be patient, be strong and have faith in whatever your belief system is. Things will get better!
 
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An_249604 replied to AmberBee's response:
I just found out last week I had HSV. I feel angry,alone,and like no one will ever want to be with me again. I spoke with my doctor today.....and she confirmed that this wasnt something I had in the past and that it would have had to been the guy I was with a few weeks ago. ( I dont sleep with many people) I contacted him and he claimed hes never had symptoms or any knowledge he's ever had it (which the doctor said obviously can be a lie)

I am the mother of 1 beautiful child.....and at this point I feel like on top of my "extra baggage" now i have HSV.......what man will ever willingly want to be with someone like that. I live in a small area and I feel like i'm never going to be able to find love or be able to express a relationship sexually with someone again.

Ive read all the "how to tell someone you have herpes" stuff on here but I feel like thats all BS! Im way too scared and ashamed to admit to someone i have this....as well as afarid if I get rejected that this person would tell others. I have NO ONE I can talk to about this! The guy I was with is not someone I feel I can talk about it openly with, and he seems to think since 1 in 5 have it...."it sucks, but its not that big of a deal".......are you kidding me! Its F#$@ing herpes!
 
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abe648 replied to An_249604's response:
First of all you need to talk to someone as I know it can be rough if you think everyone will tel others that you have herpes. Do you have a really good friend that would not tell others then talk to that person who willl listen to you and not judge you. Or if not do you have a counsellor who you can talke to somewhhere in your community. You need someone to talk to give you a difffernt prospective to what is going on in you life. Do you live near a larger center? If so then google Herpes Support Group in Yahoo and see it there is one near you. If there is go to the next meeting so that someone can help you get through this.

If not then start your own post and we can help you here to work through this. God Gless You.
Abe ... Read more in the Herpes Handbook. Watch the Herpes Video and Terri Warren's book The Good News about the Bad News. All located under the heading Herpes at http://www.westoverheights.com/


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