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Dating with HPV Help Please
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TheWhatFor posted:
Hello. I was officially diagnosed with HPV a little over a year ago. I self diagnosed myself at first and I guess out of denial I postponed the inevitable doctors appointment. Because of a prior relationship I knew that I was wanting a lasting relationship, you know, the ones guys will never admit to wanting. So I met a girl and began dating her under the guise of her being a great woman. At her request before it turned physical, she asked if we could both go get tested together, she didn't want to possibly catch anything. I agreed and we both got tested, and both received a clean bill of health and lab results to boot (anyone sensing irony approaching). One day she abruptly leaves me after about 9 months and breaks contact. A month or so passed and she calls out of the blue to tell me she had cheated on me. I say no big deal but these things hurt, especially since I've always treated any woman I've dated very well, this one even more so. In the ensuing few months my problem manifested. After the doctor visit I contacted her and sure enough she had apparebtly contracted HPV and could not bear to tell me prior out of shame. Her transgressions had apparently been off and on with an ex she couldn't let go of. Since her I haven't had physical contact with a woman because of my HPV. I myself am ashamed. The one thing that I feel like I want most in life now I can't bring myself to even attempt. I do not want to inflict this upon anyone else as that would devastate me and who ever I may pass it to, nor imagine myself admitting it to anyone face to face. I'm not shy from women but I always have been when it comes to trying to date, obviously even more now. In sight of this I genuinely feel depressed. My desire to date and one day settle down just seems over. Fear of rejection, being labeled and found out by friends family or acquaintances tears me apart. I don't know what to do but I've slowly began accepting I'm going to have a life of solitude. But that kind of life.... its just sad and its something that I know will cause me to deteriorate as a person yet I can't get past it. I'm almost 27 now and I for the first time haven't a clue as to what to do. I need insight from anyone experiencing this or had experienced dating after HPV. I don't want to say I'm desperate but I am for hope. Despite being a decently attractive dude, I'm a short dude which has on occasion decreased my odds of landing a woman as it is. Its always been my personality thats helped me in that department and thats slowly changing to me being a quiet mopey bastard. I liked the always happy, funny me better. Even knowing I'm my own worst enemy I can can't pull my self out of this hole I've dug and need a lifeline of helpful advice. Should I try a dating site for people like me or how do I tell a girl if I ever allow myself to date again? What do I do? How do I find a way past this? Any and all help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading this and any post you may provide,
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live_for_tomorrow responded:
Hi, I'm really sorry to hear what you have been through, I know exactly how you feel as I was just diagnosed with hpv1 a few days ago..I generally feel the same as you, on one hand I can't face telling anyone.. but my heart tells me that I need to, I guess i am just to scared of their reactions. Have you told anyone yet??

As for relationships, I can't even face that,. I will never tell anyone I sleep with that I have herpes it is just to shameful.. iam just avoiding the whole getting close to anyone. But being only 20yrs old and at uni, men are always coming onto me in clubs.. so its really uncomfortable as in my head I am always thinking of what could happen.. and know that its even a risk if I kiss them.

I wish I could give you some advise, but I am sorry I can't, but if you need someone to talk to then I can do that. Good luck with everything.
 
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TheWhatFor replied to live_for_tomorrow's response:
I've yet to tell anyone. Where I live now everyone knows everyone and things like this haunt people forever. People here are judgmental and whats worse is some around here would actually use that info to try to hurt someone, destroy them in the eye of anyone they can tell. My friends (which are few, I;m well liked by many people but I have a small group of good friends) can't keep secrets and are known to release any big info they know about people, even some of their other friends secrets. I feel like all is lost sometimes. I've been dealing with this well over a year and every morning its like I relive the bad news I got that day over and over again. I don'r want to pass this HPV on either, it wouls devastate me to impact someones life as HPV has mine. I can't tell my family because even though they'd be supportive they'd secretly be ashamed and would feel sorry for me and I dont want that for them. Thats why I'm here though...anonymously put mydeepest shameful secret out there to get help from others of us in similar situations or get encouraged by nice people like yourself. I'll take you up on that offer and if you need a shoulder or an ear I'll be there for you as well. just recieving one reply on my post actually made me smile a bit. Thank you.
 
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live_for_tomorrow replied to TheWhatFor's response:
I think the biggest issues with hpv is that people are always going to judge you, I mean if I didn't have hpv I wouldnt get with someone that did. But now I have learnt a lot about the virus I would be more accepting of it if I didn't have hpv.

Tbh I don't feel that I have had time to let it register that I do have hpv, because I am still trying to deal with the pain from the outbreak. But I don't feel that hurt by the virus, what hurts me is the pain assosiated with the outbreaks and having to tell someone. But I have told my best friend which I feel took a lot of the stress away, tbh though she was there when I found out, so I kind of had to tell her, but I am glad I did.. as she hasn't judged me.. well atleast not that I know of.

Can I just ask which hpv strain you have, and have you found any ways of effectively dealing with the pain?

I am glad I have been able to help you, I feel happy that I have been able to meet someone who knows where I am coming from
 
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lluter responded:
I can't totally tell from your post exactly what's going on, but I wanted to offer some insight. A clean bill of health doesn't mean you are free of everything. It means you likely don't have what was tested. If you see a specific lesion on your genital or anal region, see your doctor for testing. You could be worrying about nothing. Because you had intimate relationtions with a person who developed HPV, doesn't mean you have it.

It sounds like you need a good professional relation with a physician with whom you can have some honest and open discussions about this and all your health concerns. Good luck.
 
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TheWhatFor replied to lluter's response:
To clarify it for you lluter, we both were tested for STD's before her and I engaged in any sexual activities. When I first developed symptoms (warts) I went through a period of denial and eventually went to see a doctor where he diagnosed me with HPV and classified the wart type as varruca vulgaris (fitting name). She was the only person I had sexual contact with from the time of the test until I was diagnosed. I was not her only partner at the time we were dating unfortunately, so I'm pretty sure she was the source since she also contracted the virus. Thus far she is the last person I've been with and that's been some time ago. I refuse to pass this to anyone else. Outside of my doctor I've told no one except on these forums under the protection of a screen name to remain anonymous. I'm here as a way to relieve the stress of keeping it in, looking for insight from other on how to cope with this, and offer encouragement to others dealing with any STD issue. Encouragement I can't seem to give myself.
 
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TheWhatFor replied to lluter's response:
And apologies lluter I forgot to thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post.
 
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TheWhatFor replied to live_for_tomorrow's response:
the only pain I'veexperience is when I get the frozen off. Man parts are already sensitive and freezing parts of it (after the fact) does not feel good. I've never had any pain from the warts. I've had it done three times so far and about the time I feel they aren't coming back they show up. All I know is he classified the wart type as varruca vulgaris. I do understand there are different strains of the Human Papilloma Virus and am currently researching any way to lessen the symptoms such as building my immune system, avoids acidics and taking in alkilines, stress techniques, and various other information. I assume its aggressive or my immune system is low due to a recent stomach aliment I had.
I'm glad you were able to tell your friend about it. I'm sure it was nice to tell someone you knew face to face. I however don't have that luxury as I know it would eventually be know by other I wouldn't want to know.
 
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lluter replied to TheWhatFor's response:
I understand better now. Thanks for clarifying my lack of understand. I would recommend getting any visible warts treated and know that the virus remains. Don't distress because if people with herpes who have flare-ups can have very satisfying intimacy in their lives, I'm sure you can too. I'd encourage you to use protected sex, always and have frank and honest dialogue with your partner. One who genuinely cares about you will listen and understand with compassion. Those without those characteristics will walk and you're likely better off anyway. Honest communication and a relationship with a healthcare professional and your partner are the keys to a successful and rewarding relationship. Take care.
 
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live_for_tomorrow replied to TheWhatFor's response:
Oh.. they haven't offered me any freezing I wish they would as the pain is unbearable at times.

Last night was the first night that I didn't cry myself to sleep and I feel that alcohol helps a lot when trying to deal with things!

Can you not tell a family member, I really think you need to or this virus is going to slowly destroy you. If that isn't possible you must talk to a counsellor whether it be face to face or over the phone.

Good luck with your life, honestly your not alone, loads of people have herpes, its not a big deal, its just annoying. Least you haven't got anything worse. Stay positive, if you need to talk you know where I am.
 
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TheWhatFor replied to live_for_tomorrow's response:
I think you may be confused live for tomorrow, I dont have herpes (hsv) I have hpv which is genital warts. Our afflictions are totally different. I just wanted to clarify. While our STD's are totally different we share a common bond of a life changing circumstance. I know Ive been told be you and others to seek someone to talk to bebspeaking to people on here is very theraputic. I still am afraid of tell anyone personally and as for finding someone, even before HPV I never really put myself out in the dating scene. I'd also hate to meet some girl and then get close only to get let down like always. I just wish there were a way to meet other with HPV and maybe date that way.
 
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Ask_Carmelita replied to TheWhatFor's response:
To TheWhatFor...

I see you are still feeling very overwhelmed from the embarrassment of contracting an STD. HPV is a very common one and the most contracted of all STDs. In fact there are over a 100 strains, 30-40 of which are sexually transmitted. A wart on your finger or foot is HPV. You would be amazed at how many people like yourself (about 1-4 persons, last time I checked stats) are walking around with a strain (sexually transmitted or not) and do not know. This disease most of the time does not show up and can be passed on even when you do not know you have it.

So, know this, you are not broken or unlovable. You are living with a disease that is manageable and not always a life stoping event. You can and will find someone who will accept you for you. You sound like a serious man with a good heart looking for the right person for you and not someone who lacks deep personable respect. This will attract a good hearted person who will accept you for you. Everyone comes to a relationship with "baggage." When we can be us freely and show our scars we can have a real relationship. That is what you sound like you are looking for, which telling someone you have HPV and they do not run will show you that they are the real deal.

Besides, to have a great relationship we first must accept who we are with all the bumps and bruises. This is the hardest thing to do. Please, take the time to grieve the loss of your personal self-image of who you thought you were pre-HPV. Then allow yourself to heal and love you for you. You are not inherently damaged from having HPV. This does not make you lose stock in what you can bring to a relationship and your life. This event is hard to accept at first, but it gets better. When you find that special someone it will not be that difficult to tell them the truth. In fact being honest is the only way to self-acceptance, which is so much more important than having any STD.

I hope this helps. Don't listen to anyone who isn't ok with who they are because they are speaking from self-hate. Take care and love yourself.
 
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proudmom_26 responded:
Hi, Im a 32y/o woman replying to your post. I'd like to start of by saying I really commend you for taking the virus seriously and caring enough about others to not want to spread the virus. I wish my ex fiance would have done the same. Well my story is that I was 20y/o when I went for my yearly gynocological appt and for the first time had an abnormal papsmear(the test women get to test for stds, cancer, etc...). My dr at the time performed lasered surgery to remove the abnornal cells for further testing. The results were HPV. At the time there wasnt as much info on HPV as there is now so I totally lost it and thought I was doomed and would never have a relationship and have children, etc. Well the next yr I had seen a new dr cause my dr had retired and ofcourse told her I had HPV and hamd my annual testing done. Well the test came back normal. No HPV. The dr told me that its. mpossible to have had it and now not have it anymore so I never had it in the first place. Again this was when HPV didnt have much info. Well I went living life like normal and got married and had 3 healthy beautiful children. Well 10yrs after my first diagnosis my husband had these weird spots around his genital areas. When I saw them I knew what they were. I freaked! He went to the dr and it was HPV. I went for my annual check shortly after his and my test came back with HPV. Well let me just say we went pointing the finger at eachother. Did I forget to mention my husband is in the military so talk about imbarrasing and everyone knowing everyone. Turns out both his dr and my dr told us that HPV can stay dormant for several yrs without anyone knowing they have it. So he could have gotten it from someone else before he met me. Another thing our dr told us is that its very common now a days for people to have HPV. Again most people dont know they have it and may never get symptoms or it may take yrs before they know they do. Also, now there many different strains of the virus. My dr also told me that it depends on the type you have. Some types arent much to worry about. Also if you do have symptoms I have found that Valtrex is very affective. My husband has had any symptoms for yrs and we are still happily married. Believe me when I say plenty of people have it, its just they dont have it tattooed on their forehead lol. Its ok to date. Just be honest with your new partner, dont have intercourse during an outbreak and when you do have sex (when you dont have an outbreak) wear a condom. Its really not the end of the world! Cheer up and enjoy life. Your still young. HPV doesnt define who you are as a person. It just means you have to be a bit more careful.
 
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proudmom_26 replied to Ask_Carmelita's response:
Very well said! She's right!
 
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TheWhatFor replied to proudmom_26's response:
Well I was trying to send a message of appreciation to both proudmom and carmelita but the webmd gods apparently did not see it fit. I can not relate to you two how much your responses meant but they wers greatly appreciated. Later on I assure you I will try to relate how your post effected (affected?) my outlook. All I can say for now is, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you a million times over.


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