Sexually Transmitted Diseases Community

I know there are thousands of posts similar to mine but I just told my boyfriend of about 9 months I have Herpes type 2 and that i've had it for over 4 years.

I waited so long to tell him out of fear but to completely honest with myself, it was out of selfishness. I am a horrible person for even admitting this but I lied to him when he "sort of" asked me the 1st time we had sex. He asked if this was safe, first time unprotected, we were both drunk but I wanted it so bad, and well we were already naked in bed... I should have stopped and said go buy some condoms, but no... I said " I am fine" and we went on with it.

After that night we continued having sex but I encouraged him to wear a condom but as time went by we just didn't use them. Never thought i'd say today that I love this man but that's what life brings. I remember making a comment once, " I would be so mad if I got something". I knew quite well what that "something" meant, an STD, and an STD from me. I cringed with the lie I had been carrying for about 4 months at that point and tried to put it behind me. He didn't technically ask, I kept on telling myself, who was I kidding?

I was being a selfish bitch. For God's sake he has children, but I still kept it hoping it was a fling and I could just forget about it and him. As the months passed I fell in love with him and for the last two months i've been battling myself about telling him. I imagined not telling him and him finding out years after we'd get married and have kids and my selfish self kept telling myself he'll never find out, but I love him. How can I not tell the person I love that I have a secret, a filthy horrible secret.

He knew something was up, he knows me well. So today was D-day or shall I say H-day. I just told him in the way that I could, sobbing, repenting, and dramatic (after reading some "how to tell your partner you have Herpes articles" not the best way). I guess he took it the best he could. Tried not to get angry, asked if he has it, if there is a cure, how long I knew, if his kids can get it by using his soap ( did I mention I'm a bitch?), etc. All the questions I would ask, and everytime he said the word "Herpes" it felt like a knife stabbing me in the heart. It felt like i'm some dirty person who didn't deserve to even be alive. Like I should just give up on ever finding someone who could love me and would accept my disease.

All these things going through my head, all of my memories of finding out, contacting ALL of my exes, being mortified of them telling their partners ( knowing me), the tests, the depression, the scary moments you think you have an outbreak but it's just an ingrown hair, the doctor telling me well 80% of the population has it ( like if it helped) having all the wrong answers from doctors but a head and heart filled with questions. The fact that I've NEVER had an outbreak and I have Herpes.

But this is not about me is it.... it's about the man that I love, that I have betrayed, that now may not even want to be with me becuase of my mark. A mark that was given to me unwillingly by someone who I thought "was the one".

So what is the purpose of my post. Hopefully finding someone who can relate. Feel like i'm not alone ( though 80% of the population has it), it still feels lonely.

I don't know what I want , I just had to express myself.