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Anxiety
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marilu7777 posted:
I was diagnosed yesterday when I went to my ob/gyn to have three flat, red spots looked at. I had much milder symptom of one spot and discomfort two months ago, and was told at the time that it couldn't be herpes or "anything serious" because it coincided with my menstrual cycle (I now know he was completely wrong, but I put my trust in him and continued on with my life, relieved that I didn't have anything serious). But yesterday the doc could see (what I know now was) the ob better and did the culture swab but said that it was definitely herpes even if the test happened to come back negative. I was recently intimate for the first time with the man I was seeing. When the condom broke we both decided it was okay for us because we trusted each other and in that moment his only concern seemed to be birth control and whether I was on any. I have to say I wasn't concerned about anything else either based on what we knew of each other. I let him know my diagnosis as soon as I found out. He barely responded beyond a curt "great." I have not tried to communicate with him since. For those of you who have been through this, do you think it's worth it to try and talk things out? He is the first person in a long time whom I have had feelings for, and unfortunately I'm feeling pretty sorry for the situation and something in me tells me that I've lost him. I asked him to get tested but feel so dejected and sense that he believes there's not way he could have given it to me, so feel that I "can't" ask him to let me know how the test goes. This is getting lengthy but I am hoping that people will post their circumstances. Did the person you care about understand? What was it like the first time you met someone who accepted your situation? I have to believe that someone will come along that will not immediately ostracize me. It's only been a day but I am feeling completely withdrawn and cannot imagine myself in a social setting, let alone can I imagine actively dating. How can I put anyone else in this position? Knowingly? I can be safe but I've read that there is still potential of spreading it even with a condom and without an ob. I am mortified and cannot fathom explaining this to anyone and can see myself avoiding any relationship for a long time.
Reply
 
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angeleyesinnj8181 responded:
Hi Marilu, I am currently dealing with the frist person I have had to tell. I recently (the end of Jan) found out I was HSV2 positive and I have been with my BF for over a yr, after telling him he was in shock.. he is still around but it is very hard. He hasn't read up on anything, he wont touch me below the belt let alone have sex with me. He wants me to be patient with him and in time he has told me he will read up and deal with it. I am hoping he will come around after he becomes informed because he has told me he doesn't know anything besides how HSV has always been put out there and he is just scared. As far as putting someone else in "our" position knowingly, well as long as you tell them and they feel that you are worth the risk I would not worry about it. The risk of transmission from female to male is low (4% if nothing is used and just avoid sex during out breaks, 2% if on suppressive therapy, 1% if use condom and on suppressive therapy - based on a yr and sex 2 times a week) Honestly there are men out there that will say your worth the risk if they truly love you. As others have mentioned on the board its just a skin rash thats all and it shouldn't define you as a person because you have not changed. If you have time you should read the Herpes handbook it has a lot of helpful information in it. www.westoverheights.com/genital_herpes/handbook/view_the_chapters.html (Thanks to Abe & others for having it in their signature its very helpful!!! :smile: ) Also there is another message board that has a thread called happy couples and that had helped me alot, www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=61159 there are people out there that will accept you for you.
 
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abe648 responded:
Welcome to the board and I am glad that you found this site. angeleyesinnj8181 gave you a really nice reply. I think you need to talk to this guy and tell him that he needs to get tested with a herpes type specific IgG blood test for herpes to know if he has herpes or not. He can have no symptoms and still have herpes. Of people who get tested and find out that they have herpes 90% of them had no idea they had herpes. A person can have herpes for years and year like 5,10, 20 and even 25 years and not have an ob. So I would give him a call or text him and tell him that the two of you need to talk. If he decides to bury his head in the sand refuses to go and get tested then you do not need a guy like this around. He has had a day or two to think about it and now is the time he needs to hear from you. Just be nice to him and tell him that you are not accusing him of anything but that you would greatly appreciate him getting a test. Even if he says he has had STD testing that is not good enough. Most places that test for STD'S do not normally include herpes as part of the testing. If he says he has gotten a herpes test then ask him to provide you with a copy of his test results and if it is not current say in the last 6 months or so then ask him to get a new test as he could have contracted it in the last few months if he had other partners. You have to choices. You can let herpes run/ruin your life or Choice #2 you can decide that you will not let it control you and you will get on with life and move forward. I do hope you chose Choice #2. Life is to short to sit at home and get withdrawn. Nobody needs to know that you have herpes. It is not like a cold sore where it is on you mouth and everyone can see it. Only you know you have herpes unless you decide to tell someone. It is very common. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 5 men have herpes. So if you are in a room of 20 people there is at least 3-4 others in the room who have herpes and some of them do not even know they have it. Educate yourself. Knowledge is power. Go back pages and pages and pages of posts and read from beginning to end of each post and you will see how people start out all upset or take it emotional and in time as you read through the post you will see how the person starts to get a positive attitude to life with herpes. Cheer up and :smile: :smile: :smile: it is not the end of the world and like angeleyesinnj8181 said it is a minor skin condition and is manageable. In time if this relationship does not work out then you will find someone who cares for you and you care for them and it will be easier to tell them at that point. You can decide when you need to tell someone. You do not have to tell someone on the first date and perhaps only when it gets to the point of possibly being intimate. Things will work out for you. Now get on with life and do not sit at home. Go out for a coffee and get back into getting away from home. Also have you told someone close to you about this. If not I would recommend that you think about telling someone who knows you and they can give you support. If you do not have any real support then google or yahoo "herpes supprot groups" and see if there is one near you and go out and meet with others who have been through the same concerns you have. God Bless you. :smile:
 
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marilu7777 responded:
Angeleyes, thank you so much for sharing your story and the link to the other message board. Those stories were very comforting and it helped for me to read about people experiencing the same anxiety and hopes that I am. I have read the handbook from Abe's signature and the more information I gather and am given the more my heart rate slows... I hope the best for you and your BF. The man I mentioned in my original post has communicated further that he has done his own research and expressed in more detail his feelings of anger and loss. I do not make any assumptions that he will continue to have any kind of relationship with me as we have only agreed to be in touch when our tests come back with the type information. I realize that I will be leaning more on these message boards as time passes.
 
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marilu7777 responded:
Abe, thank you very much for your informed and pointed advice. As you say knowledge is power and in the few days since dx I have read many posts which give me hope. I have shared with a close friend my situation per your suggestion and her encouragement has been invaluable. Your statistics on the prevalence of HSV is very eye-opening. I had no idea that percentage of the population is thought to be infected with most of them being ignorant of the infection. I am actively getting into more social settings this week and will work on resuming my lifestyle as it was, with an important change being relevant only when I meet the right person and will have to have that conversation. Thank you again for your reply to my post.
 
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princesscat100 responded:
I think the way a partner takes the news is a good test of whether or not the relationship is worth it. I would however try to talk to him about it. If he still doesn't want to deal with what's going on, then I would say it's probably time to move on. I got diagnosed recently, a few days before my boyfriend and I celebrated out first anniversary. I expected the worst, but he took it very well. He did not get angry, he didn't blame me for it, and took care of me the whole time I was sick. Now that the outbreak is over, we are back to having a normal sexual relationship. He doesn't see me as any less desirable than I was before. We're fairly certain it was caused by a cold sore, and just look at it as something unfortunate that happened, but neither the end of the world nor the end of our relationship. I think that if a partner is worth being with, he'll understand and be there for you through it all. I wish you luck in the future, and don't let this minor set-back get you down :)
 
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jennieann32 responded:
I would definitely sit down with him and at least have the "are we going to give it a go or are we done" talk. It sounds harsh but you may need to do that for your own emotional stability. There's no use on holding out for something that isn't there. He needs to get tested just in case (whether he has it or whether he may have contracted it from you). Take a deep breath. My first circumstance didn't turn out so well but he wasn't that good of a person. However, I am engaged to a wonderful man who accepts me mistakes and all. The only thing about my diagnosis that bothers him is how I was treated by my ex when I found out my diagnosis and how people may treat me when they find out. Good luck. Keep us updated.
 
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kath07738 responded:
I know how you feel. The first man I had to tell was ok with it and we took prefcautions and he never got it. But the relationship ended after 3 years because of committment issues. The next man I had to tell I told pretty early into the relationship and he too SEEMED ok with it but the relationship changed at that moment and he was different and the relationship never progressed further. He blamed it on other things but I can't help but think that in the back of his mind he really wasn't ok with it. Funny part is that he has NEVER been tested for it. But showed me his "FULL STD" test which I explained to him did not include HSV (you have to specififcally ask for that) and he's been with many women as he is a 49 year old batchelor/lives in the fast lane etc. so...the chances he has it are great but doesn't know it and probably doesn't want to know it. All I can say is you have to keep trying, I told 2 men, one was ok with it, one was not, I will tell again if I meet a man I think is a keeper. I know the "rejection" really hurts but you are not alone. Pretty soon, the whole world will have it, we will be in the majority, not the minority. Keep posting on webmd. Every time I am depressed, I go on webmd and immediately feel better because I see that I am not alone. And I've learned a lot and feel very educated about this condition. I hope I've helped a little. P.S. If you would feel better by calling him & reaching out to get the truth, then DO IT. What will you lose? You will feel better.
 
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fabi81 responded:
I just got diagnosed today, and I am still in a state of shock. I can relate to how you're feeling. I kept thinking over and over in my head "one day l am I going to sit the man I love and want to marry down and tell him that I have herpes"...I feel so ashamed and disgusted at myself. I feel like I put myself in this position because I decided not to use a condom and just trusted the man that I'm in a relationship with. This is a new relationship and at first we did use condoms but the one time we didn't use a condom, I noticed a few small red bumps about a week later. I was also misdiagnosed at first, my gyno told me that it was probably an allergic reaction to latex and that I should try latex free condoms. She gave me an ointment that helped, the bumps disappreared for a while but came back a few weeks later. I decided to go in and insisted on STI testing, the herpes virus 1 test came back positive today. Right now I'm just at the information gathering stage where I'm trying to learn as much as I can about the virus. My partner will find out the results of his test tomorrow. I notified him today and he is feeling really bad about the situation. He said that if had known, he would never have had sex with me...his intention wasn't to harm me or ruin my life. What's making this all even harder for me emotionally is that I had made a decision to be abstinant for spiritual reasons. I made a promise to God that I would treat my body like the temple that it is, after breaking the promise and engaging in sex, I feel like I have sinned against God. Not that he allows things to happen to punish us...but you can only be disobedient for so long. Sooner or later, you have to suffer the consequences of bad decisions. I am very anxious, angry, sad, and disappointed at myself but It could have been a lot worse and I am just thankful that it wasn't HIV. This has changed my perspective, we could be quick to categorize HIV positive women as promiscuous or loose but...it could very well be me!
 
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abe648 responded:
fabi81 Welcome to the board and I am glad you found his site. First of all that was a great post to sit down and realize that you have sinned agains God and are now remorseful. Remember he does not like the sin but he loves the sinner. You need to know that God still loves you. I would urge you to go to the top of the board and copy and past your post her into a new discussion so we can help you with your own issues and each time that you reply to your own post or someone answers you it will pop to the top and that way all your info and details are in one post and anyone can comment or help you in your quest to learn more and deal with your herpes. God Bless you. :smile:
 
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buff1946 responded:
I too have herpes, haven't been in a serious relationship for 3 years when I found out. Now I have found someone I am so scared to tell him. I have been on Valtrex for 3 years so we had sex. I didn't tell him but I tried to make him use a condom and he wouldn't. We have been having sex for about 3 weeks or more now a couple times a week. I don't have any breakouts, in fact when I found out I had it 3 years ago my boyfriend caught a std so I went to the Dr. and found out I had herpes. We decided to continue our relationship but after awhile I just wanted to be friends but we stayed good friends for 3 years. Now I have met this new man who is the greatest but I am afraid he will get herpes. What am I going to do if he gets it?
 
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abe648 responded:
Please start your own discussion so we can help you on your own discussion. Just copy and past it and start your own so we can help you specifically. Thanks
 
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Mtnjosh responded:
This is great to see Marilu. It's an uncomfortable subject to talk about and I appreciate your honesty. I got herpes from my now ex-wife after a year of being married. She was unaware that she was a carrier and didn't have her first outbreak until she was 6 months pregnant with our son. My first was a month later. We had talked extensively about our past relationships but had never been tested together and rarely used condoms due to our planning to have a baby. We separated 3 years ago and I have had only fleeting relationships since but with all of whom I was open and up front about having herpes. I have been intentionally celibate and single for over 2 years now until I recently met someone that made me feel like I didn't think was possible again. Totally took me by surprise. It also brought back the fear of having to have the herpes talk. Would it be too much for her? Would she call it quits then and there? Was she a carrier? Apparently my judgment of character is doing fine because she was very open and appreciative to the conversation and even thanked me for being honest. "Refreshing" was her exact word. It was the most amazing feeling to have had what I considered to be a typically difficult conversation go so smoothly. It made me feel so much closer to her! She went home the next day and spent a few hours researching everything she could about it so as to be completely comfortable with our intimacy. She is amazing! Don't get discouraged! I did. There are so many good, open, understanding people out there, not to mention the other people with herpes. It's not as difficult as it seems and don't let yourself start thinking it is. That makes it so much worse!
 
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lp130 responded:
Hi Mtnjosh! It's always good to read testimony to the fact that people are willing to become educated before rushing to judge herpes. It says alot about the person's character, not wanting to pass up a potentially great relationship with someone just because of this pesky skin condition! I did want to clarify one misconception in your post... A person either has herpes or they don't; there's no such thing as a "carrier". The virus itself is either active (characterized by an outbreak), dormant, or shedding, where the virus is active but there are no symptoms. The active and shedding stages are when a person can transmit the virus.
 
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SmallStuff202 responded:
I just made a profile and this was the first post I saw about herpes. I was diagnosed last winter while I was a sophmore in college and I honestly thought my life was over. It wasn't until I realized that this was not just a burden but an eye opener. I was dating a guy that I had strong feelings for. I told him my situation and he said he could deal with it. It wasn't until he stopped calling me and we stopped hanging out in the following weeks until I realized he couldn't. I think that this made me see that only a special man who HONESTLY loves me will except me however. Im in a relationship now with a guy whom after I told just said " It doesn't matter because I love you". A couple of weeks later we got engaged. So what im want to let you know that only someone who really cares about can handle news like this and it gets a little easier as time progresses. As for the guy you wrote about.... honestly you have nothing to be sorry about. You did the right thing. You told him and if he can't except it then he obvioulsy can't except you. I don't even know you but im sure you deserve better than that. Believe me, when I first got diagnosed I KNEW nobody would EVER want to be with me because of it. It took time and patience but I am at the happiest point in my life. To cope, what I did was research it online (this site actually) and get the facts. It may be spread with a condom but it's a low chance unless your having an outbreak. I hope this gives you some type of hope and helps you some.


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