Sexually Transmitted Diseases Community

didn't you already ask this either here or on another forum?

Hi Betsy, yes I did, but I didn't get an answer so thought I'd post here as well.

Honestly, I am just driving myself crazy wondering if he'll have it based on what I know about him. I think the answer to my stats question is yes simply based on that those are the risk factors.

It wasn't my intention in any way to stereotype. I'm fully aware that a person can get herpes from a first time sexual encounter or have many sexual encounters and never get it.

Have you been intimate yet? You should tell him that if you go on suppessive therapy and use a condom, the chances of him getting it is 1%. That's for HSV2. I don't know about the other. They have the rates of transmission on here. Good luck! I asked alot of questions when i first found out and that has helped me alot. It helps to have the information when you have to tell someone.

You stated the obvious in the last paragraph. It does not really matter how many times you have sex or how many parnters you have. Herpes is spread by genital skin to genital skin contact for HSV 2 as well you need heat and friction for it to be transmitted to someone else.

DO NOT DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY. All yo can do is let thinsk happen if he does not have herpes and walks then as much as you want this to work out there are alwaysothers who will love your for you. If he walks he was not meant for you. If he says make sure he is staying because he loves you and for no other reason.

We will be here to support you which ever way it goes.

Hang in there and :-) God Bless you.

Well, I put in a request to delete this discussion because I thought maybe I was offending people. I'm glad they didn't delete it until I heard from you abe648.

I know you're right, but I'm hurting soo bad I can hardly stand it. I literally cannot pull myself together and called out sick from work today. I spoke to him tonight at length. He said that he's stuck in the stigma of herpes being such a bad thing, like society leads us to believe. He's 50, not like my 30-something friends that I finally confided in and they couldn't understand why I was so upset . . . and still can't. They think he's being a jerk.

I wouldn't be soo upset if I wasn't so into him, but I am starting to think that maybe he's not all that I thought he was.

I keep running the scenarios through my mind. Best scenario = he has it. worst = he doesn't.

Also, thanks, Infinaty! I have not been intimate with him in a way that would be a risk. Betsy gave me the stats on transmission with using supressive therapy and condoms and I printed out that email and gave it to him.

I'm thankful for your support. I can't stop crying.

Q-- I just found out less than 2 months ago that I had H. Coincidentally, I met who I THOUGHT was the man of my dreams the day before. Irony is my life. I am not the type to fall easily for men, infact, i am known by my friends to be hard on guys. But there was just *something* about this guy. I literally thought in my head on our first date "They always told me men like you didn't exist, but you finally came." We saw each other about everyday for a week... things were heating up and I was like "i have to tell him, i can't wait any longer." This man had told me that I was everything he was looking for, yet during this conversation, he basically said "if I get herpes, no one will ever sleep with me again." I was so wonderful, but he was already planning his next conquest? This story drags out about another week and ends up with him being childish and self centered. Is he a bad person bc he did not want to be with me? Not at all. However, the person I thought I saw loved knowledge and would have done his research. It was clear through subsequent conversations that he did none. Additionally, he just FREAKED OUT. A rational mature person would have educated himself and said I'm sorry, but this is just not for me. He did everything but that. I understand that my story may be very different from yours, but I'm telling it to say that I think H saved me from some real misery. I thought he was IT!!! In reality, he was anything BUT what I wanted. I heard some of myself in you .... i was crying through out the waiting time and leading to telling him. Cried at work and had to hide in teh bathroom.... However I can see, a very short time later, that he just was not for me. A "friend" i met through an H site told me he sees this as his filter. It's not a public filter such as money or a prestigious job, but it's private and it's leading him to who is supposed to be with. I hoped this helped in some way. You're in my thoughts and regardless....YOU WILL BE OK AND YOU WILL FIND HAPPINESS!!!! I am sure of that statement.

Thank you Anon - 13905! It sounds lke you got rid of a loser. I appreciate your accurate insight and kind words. They helped me very much.

I still need help.

Well, his tests came back and they were positive for HSV I and II. The nurse wasn't very good at explaining things to him and didn't know what the levels were, but confirmed they were positive. So we know that now.

Here's the kicker. He's SOOOOOO freaked out about this news that he is now pushing me away and isn't sure how he feels about our relationship. Unbelievable to me. He said he needs time to deal with this news and what it means to him before he can think about us. I told him that I wished I had someone in my life that cared about me as much as I care about him when I found out. He said that if I can't wait for him to figure things out then he understands. I just said that I can't understand why his pushing me away and that his way of dealing with this is hurting me.

Of all the reactions I expected, this wasn't one of them! The first two months of our relationship was totally awesome then we went through this last month dealing with this issue and still managed to have fun. I guess his feelings for me weren't what I thought they were.

I feel he's handling this in a very immature way, but I keep thinking that maybe I'm just being too hard on him. But, I feel taken for granted as if I'll just sit here and wait for him to figure it out like I did for the last month.

thanks for listening.

Questioner, You're right to be upset at his reaction. But Yes. You are being too hard on him. It's shocking news and takes awhile to digest. We spend all of our sexual lives thinking what if, and how do I avoid. Now he's just learning that HIS worse case scenerio (which is coincidentally the exact opposite of yours) has come true. And he also has a right to be upset. I'd give him some time and some space for a few days at least. The more he reads the more he will see it's not the catastrophic debilitating deformative plague he thought it was. Contagious acne in a more embarrising place. That's what I call it.

My gf called me up a few days after she tested pos and said she was sad and mad. That's where she should have been. We talked it over and now she has accepted it. If he continues to run from you, then it's his loss. But should reach out to you, be patient with him. Understand that he has to work through this his own way.

Thanks Guy721! I think maybe it's the difference between men and women. I'm pretty sure that if I was in his shoes and knew I had a person standing right there to support me, that I'd look for support from that person. I guess men like to go into their cave.

Neither one of us has ever been through this before, so it's a learning thing. I just wanted him to give me some reassurance that he doesn't want to lose me the same way I didn't want ot lose him. I'm the one giving all the reassurance to him and I'm getting none. Not a good feeling to sit with.

What an experience this has been. Thanks for your support!

I think that Guy721 is right. Alot of guys don't need to share their feelings and talk like we do. I was devasted when i first found out. I stayed on this website alot and it was always on my mind. I cried for 3 weeks. The guy that i think i got it from, he just accepted it. He didn't like finding out that he had it but he didn't need to talk about it like i did. People handle things differently. I hope that things work out for the good. You always have us to talk to. We will be here if you need us. It took me at least 4 months to get my act together. I take suppressive therapy. It kinda makes me feel a little bit normal again.

THANK YOU INFANTY and Guy721!

If I didn't have this outlet, I don't know where I'd be mentally.

I talked to him today and it was rough, but we actually made progress. He told me a lot of things that made me realize that it's not about him not wanting me, but his need to deal with this. I know that sounds dumb that I should've gotten that before, but I've just gone through a month of total exhaustion waiting for him to read the material and go to the doctor. Today, I finally reached a point where I don't feel hurt by his needing space and time to deal. I'm going to wait for him to figure it out. I know he is a good man.

I'm praying that we find our way back to the magical connection that we had.

What is a shame is that I'm certain that if he was negative that our relationship would've been over. One of his first reactions was "why doesn't the news do a story that this is the untold, but stigmatized epidemic that should'nt be hidden." There should no longer be a scarlet letter on people . People should be able to talk freely about herpes in society and make it an open subject and that is how we would finally be able to get control over this virus. Silence in main stream society helps no one.

Happy Easter!!

Oh, by the way, I started suppressive therapy this week just for my own peace of mind. So far, no side effects.