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"The talk about my HSV-1 and 2
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survivor777 posted:
I am about to have "the talk" (in less than a week) with a very special lady and although I have educated myself as much as possible about the virus and have a well planned discussion ready, I'm concerned about her response. We are both in our late 50's and know each other well through a very close mutual friend. We are extremely attracted to one another on a mature emotional level, but have not yet been intimate. I just need some words of encouragement from someone who has been through this. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. I learned just 2 years ago that I was positive for the virus, but now know that I had to have been carrying it for 30 years or more. I was consistently diagnosed as having either eczema, psoriasis or shingles until I finally decided to do a comprehensive STD profile/test through a medical express lab. Thanks for reading.
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iddybob responded:
when i told my bf about me having genital herpes before we got together, it was hard for me as well.
i told him everything i new about the virus and he new how i felt towards him, and that i educate myself alot about it, and what the risks are and what i can and cannot do.
he was very understanding but he never let it get the way of how he felt towards me.
i hope she understands and everything turns out for the best of you:)
it doesnt change who you are or make you anyless of a person and i hope she sees that about you.
goodluck!!!!
 
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survivor777 replied to iddybob's response:
Thank you for responding. I need all the help I can get. I think what it really gets down to for me is that her rejection (if that happens) will be of much less concern to me than the fact that I may hurt her by not being or becoming the fulfilling sexual partner that she was hoping for.
 
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iddybob replied to survivor777's response:
i hope not, i mean you can still have a great sex life you just gotta be careful ya know. i felt the same way towards my bf. he understands everything and how i feel towards certain things but hes great and we have a good sex life.
i mean just cause you have it doesnt mean you still cant do anything..
do you have it genitally or orally?
 
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survivor777 replied to iddybob's response:
I have both HSV-1 and HSV-2. I guess that it will just be more challenging to be a satisfying partner if she wants to continue the realtionship. I don't want to hurt her or be a disappointment to her which might happen. Maybe I'm underestimating her. She is a very classy lady.
 
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betsyo1967 replied to survivor777's response:
if you two did nothing but avoid sex anytime you have anything going on genitally, she is 90-92% likely each year NOT to contract hsv2 from you. If you take daily suppressive therapy also and use condoms properly, she is 97-98% likely each year NOT to contract hsv2 from you. Pretty reasonable odds with not a lot of effort.

also make sure she too gets tested to know what her status is. 1 out of every 3 people over the age of 50 has hsv2. 1 out of every 2 has hsv1. odds are she has at least hsv1 already herself if not hsv2 whether she is aware of it or not!

stop back and let us know how it goes!
Talking about std testing is NORMAL and something we all should be doing EVERY TIME before we have sex with a new partner :)
 
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survivor777 replied to betsyo1967's response:
Thank you so much for that advice. When you say "going on genitally" I assume you mean an outbreak. I'm actually quite confused about what "degree of outbreak" is more contagious than another. Between about 1993 and 1996 I had severe outbreaks on my buttocks, but at the time I had no idea that this was genital herpes. Doctors didn't know what it was or either misdianosed it...saying maybe it was shingles or eczema. When I finally learned just 2 years ago that I had HSV-2 and started researching the virus and my own medical history, then it all started to make sense. I have not had the severe outbreaks again like I had in the mid 90's, but I do get occasional minor lesions on my buttocks and some occasional skin irriation on my scrotum. The lesions have been tested and they are positive for the herpes virus. I assume that the skin irritation also has to be related to the virus. During "the talk" I plan to ask her to get a full and complete STD testing to include a test for the herpes virus (if she has not already done so). I understand that there's a good chance that she may be carrying the virus and not even know it. If it turned out that she was positive that would certainly make things a lot easier for both of us. Thank you agin for taking the time to respond to me. I really appreciate it. The "talk" is Sunday, so sometime early next week I'll stop back and provide an update. Keep me in your thoughts.
 
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iddybob replied to survivor777's response:
no problem!:) i just hope things work out good, cause ya know its hard for ppl like us with hsv to date and be open about it and stuff.
when you guys have the talk ask her if she has gotten tested and if not she should just so she knows.
if she feels the same way as you feel towards her i dont think shed fell disappointed with you at all. i do hope she understands everything and if so she can educate herself on the hsv virus too, too understand it better.
im knida in the same boat as you. i just found out i have hsv2 in april or march but i guess ive been caring it for a couple of yrs now. it doesnt bother me that i have it, only thing that made it suck alot is because im only 17 an will be 18 next month. and im still pretty young haha. but oh well its life right?
no problem about responding, i enjoy getting on here and talking to others about this, and when it comes to talking about it too some one your with or want to be with. just to wish luck on everyone :)
wish you the best of luck!!!!
 
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survivor777 replied to iddybob's response:
Thank you so much for the kind words. You sound like a very sweet young lady. I just got off the phone with my lady friend and she is so upbeat about us getting together this weekend. We live in different cities a few hours apart. I'm cautiously optimtistic about how this will all go, but now is the time for "the talk" and I'm well prepared. I'll keep you updated on how it all goes. Thanks again.
 
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iddybob replied to survivor777's response:
why thank you.
thats cool:) sounds like you guys both really like eachother.
good luck with the talk! hope it goes really good.
 
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survivor777 replied to iddybob's response:
OK, folks, here's the update on my "talk" of Sunday evening. This wonderful lady thanked me so much for sharing this information with her. She knew very little about either HSV-1 or HSV-2 and was grateful for now having this knowledge. She was not disappointed in me but is now looking forward even more to what we both hope is a long, loving relationship. She already has an appointment to get fully tested for all STD's. On Sunday morning she developed a unpleasant cold sore on her lip (what a coincidence) so we're fairly certain already that she is positive for HSV-1. She has no HSV-2 symptoms, but we know that that does not necessarily mean that she's negative. If she does come back negative, she is still OK with being with me, but wants to take all precautions to minimize transmission. I feel so blessed to have this amazing lady in my life. And no, we have not yet been intimate. We want to wait for test results and to educate ourselves more about the virus and then go from there. Thank you all so much!!!!
 
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betsyo1967 replied to survivor777's response:
sounds wonderful!!!

as to what I mean by anything going on genitally - that means any rashes, obvious herpes recurrences, zipper accidents etc. Not unusual for herpes to be actively shedding when something else is going on genitally too hence the advice to avoid sex when anything is going on genitally. make more sense?
Talking about std testing is NORMAL and something we all should be doing EVERY TIME before we have sex with a new partner :)
 
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survivor777 replied to betsyo1967's response:
Yes, that makes sense. But since 1996 I have had only very minor lesions occur, whereas 15 years ago they were severe. I guess I have to assume that minor and severe outbreaks are equal when it comes to transmitting the virus. I would assume that consistent use of condoms combined with wearing boxer briefs would certainly reduce the risk of transmission considerably. That might not sound very intimate, but my girlfriend and I have already discussed this and we're both comfortable with it. We're going to try anything we can (within reason) to reduce the risk of transmission, but at the same time enjoy each other. Thanks for your advice. This whole matter is going much more smoothly than I ever thought possible.
 
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iddybob replied to survivor777's response:
congrads!!!!!!(: thats awesome! im really happy to hear it went great and she wants to be with you. i always love a happy ending haha:)
 
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betsyo1967 replied to survivor777's response:
correct - no difference in the amount of virus being shed whether it's a rip roaring recurrence, mild recurrence or even asymptomatic shedding.

the risk of transmission I discussed is without wearing underwear. just remembering to take your herpes antiviral is what keeps the odds in favor of not transmitting the virus more than anything.
Talking about std testing is NORMAL and something we all should be doing EVERY TIME before we have sex with a new partner :)


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