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    sex with the elderly!
    sapphire9856 posted:
    I am a caregiver for an 86 year old gentlemen. His wife is 85. neither one is totally disabled, but they both use walkers and need assistance with bathing and getting dressed. I found his wife crying one morning because she didnt know what to do for her husband. she was having a hard time talking about it, as I can only imagine. but she asked me what to do, and I honestly did not know, so that is why I am writing. He was having his needs, (as she called it) and was having a difficult time. apparantly, he was wanting to have sex or have her help him with ejaculating. I knocked on the bathroom door where he had been for quite a while and he asked me to come in. I didn't know what to do seeing as I am there to take care of him, but in no way does my job duties include his sexual desires. I was shocked! he put his arms around me real tight, stupid me, thinking "awe, you need a hug!" then he ask me to help him and says his wife doesn't have to know. ok, I know what he wanted after that, but play dumb, and insist we get his clothes on and it has been awkward since then. I was not expecting anything like this from an elderly man! but, I would not say anything to his wife, they have been married for 65 years. as I am now in my 60's my sex drive isn't what it use to be, but I couldn't imagine my husband having such need that he is begging me or a caregiver to help him relieve himself when he is that age. I understand having sexual desires, but isn't there a more discreet way to handle it? How can this situation be avoided again, and how should I have handled it?
    hairyd responded:
    Sappphire, you have two adults, husband wanting sex and the wife willing. Please help them. If you are not able to speak with the wife about sex. Then request her doctor or pastor explain this is normal. There are couples at this age that have sexual feeling. Male ande female in elderly care centers enjoy sex.

    Help them undress together, Provide some lubcation (she will need). Explain to her she may pleasure her husband with her hands and mouth, also.

    You should stay in the room to assistance it requested. Add for bathing and dressing afterward.

    Keep us posted.
    GAP1954 responded:
    Working as I do with an aging population, the unspoken needs of sexual expression are among the top most concerns of residents both in private homes with caregivers or in facilities. Japan and the UK appear to have a more progressive outlook on providing resources for these needs. Some countries are using even more unique approaches to the area by enlisting experienced individuals who can be more matter-of-fact about dealing with sexual issues.

    Be very careful in your position, however. The USA is extremely Victorian in hiding from the reality of sex and aging. Very little information is available and the abuse laws in most states would find you guilty for providing assistance to anyone aged or disabled. I suggest that you check Dr. Tepper's website here and study before you act. Perhaps finding a vibrating sleeve or other form of masturbation device would be safer for you at this point.

    sapphire9856 replied to hairyd's response:
    woa, you got to be kidding, stay in the room with them and watch, that is not only porn, but do you really think they would go along with that?
    sapphire9856 replied to GAP1954's response:
    your advice sounded very logical to me. However, I have since looked up information in our brochure and there is no mention of sexual needs for the elderly. but, since that time, the mrs. and I seem to have bonded, I guess because it's a woman to woman thing and our little secret! I have bought her some lubricating jelly to use and they are undressing in the nude in front of each other. I suggested to her to start slow with a lot of touching and to do what comes natural and only do what she is comfortable with. It still has me bugged that the mr. wanted me to help him. do all men depend on women for their sexual needs? I just assumed that elderly men like teen-age boys would do what comes natural to them. Again, this is all new to me, but I think we are learning from each other. Thanks for your advice!
    Timtnt replied to sapphire9856's response:
    As a man I would have to say the gentleman could have taken care of himself; however the touch of a woman's hand is so much better than our own. Haven't you experienced your husband touching you and is it not more stimulating than you touching yourself? I think his was a natural request. Good luck in assisting this couple. You may even consider coaching them by example as this would possibly stimulate them both, such as you model a seductive slow strip session.
    hookares replied to Timtnt's response:
    My ex told me that men over 50 don't need sex. (Of course this was before I found out she was getting ti elsewhere and is over fifty herself.
    elle0317 replied to hookares's response:
    Well she was right that men and in fact women do not 'need' sex. Unless they want children, then it becomes a need.
    Springisnear replied to elle0317's response:
    Well said.

    If they were to get busy would some have to watch or be present for some kind of medical needs.

    Wow I could never do that job.
    fcl replied to Springisnear's response:
    I should imagine that, as they have a caregiver, the chances are pretty high that they have a "panic button" so nobody would need to watch or be watched.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    sapphire9856 replied to Springisnear's response:
    hairy posted above that I should stay in the room in case they need assistance! I responded to that "woa, you got to be kidding, stay in the room with them and watch, that is not only porn, but do you really think they would go along with that?"

    no, I would never consider staying in the room with them, my duties do not require me to, however I get the feeling that the mr. would love for me to give him the attention he is so desiring.

    and yes, they do have a panic button in every room!
    fcl replied to sapphire9856's response:
    That's what I thought. My father is disabled and whenever there is a problem he just has to press a button .

    I'd just like to add that people who do your job are seldom recognized for what they do - personally, I think you are real-life heros. You make life livable for people who would otherwise be struggling. You are caring and understanding and without you many could not have the dignity of living that they have. You have a great deal of professionalism and you care about your patients. Thank you ... a million times over.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    sapphire9856 replied to fcl's response:
    Thank you so much for your thoughtful words FCL! the couple that I take care of have three grown children, and they all have busy lives with their grandchildren and their retirement life. I do care for my patients very much, even when the job might seem boring, demeaning, stressful to others, I look upon my job as though what would life be like for me when I am their age! they were once young and capable of leading a successful life and making their own decisions. They are still the same people inside and need to be respected. I lost my parents at an early age, so since I don't have parent's to share Mother's or Father's day with, I work on those days so others can be off work to spend time with their family. My mother was also disabled and I think it is just in my nature to be taking care of others.
    afemale responded:
    I would DEFINITELY speak with my supervisor about this and perhaps ask to be given an alternate case. Although sexual issues are of importance at any age, I think that because of this man's age (86) we are ignoring the fact that he made a totally inappropriate sexual pass at this female caregiver, which was never addressed with him.

    I would also speak to the wife and tell her it is not her responsibility to do anything she does not want or can not do to sexually please her husband. He has a hand and can use it in anyway she can or can not. If both of them or unable to "get him off" by hand, well then, it should not be made an issue of her letting him down or not "taking care of her man".

    It really blows me away what we overlook because this man is 86. Shame on all of us.
    afemale replied to Timtnt's response:

    A big "shame on you" for just about coming out and saying that women, and in particular sapphire9856 should in essence be an unpaid prostitute for a horny 86 year old married man.

    This is really crossing a proffessional and moral line.

    Again, shame on you.

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