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No Sex but Intimacy at the Age of 23. (female virgin)
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An_248174 posted:
Hi, I'm 23 years old female. I want to know if arousing in virgins have any side effects? I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years. we get intimate, but we've never had sex yet because of my religion beliefs. At the beginning, I liked being aroused but after a while,I started to feel like it affects me in a bad way. It just does not feel right anymore. I feel like I got tired of waiting until marriage to have a healthy sex life, but I'm worried more about my health. I want to know if being intimate but not having sex is bad for my health at this age. Please help me if you can.
Thanks!
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fcl responded:
No, being intimate but not having sex will have no adverse effects on your health whatsoever - no matter what your age. It's frustrating, that's all
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Polfsky replied to fcl's response:
I agree that it's not harming you physically but may be more psychologically and spiritually.

If your faith is important to you, I'd say you are putting yourself into temptation and setting yourself up to fall. I have friends from church that did the same (cuddling together behind closed door) and eventually they crossed the line and had sex because they couldn't contain themselves any more.

Sounds to me like this is causing you to doubt your belief too. IMHO, I'd say stop putting yourself into temptation and do other kinds of activities.
 
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fcl replied to Polfsky's response:
I very much agree. Also, as you don't intend to have sex, if you do cross the line you're unlikely to be prepared and to have condoms on hand. Do you really want a pre-marriage, first time sex pregnancy?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Ketooo replied to fcl's response:
Thanks FCL, I just can't have have a pre-marriage, first time sex pregnancy because I don't like it when others do that. I'm from country where people respect girls who are virgins until marriage, and that's the way I was raised. My family is religious and traditional and I can never do this to my family and to myself.
My boyfriend knows this, and we actually want to get married at least get engaged in about a year, but it's just getting harder for me because I'm not living in my country anymore, I'm living in the U.S. and some of my new friends from here often talk about this kind of things and it's frustrating to me sometimes because I'm not living like them even though I'm in the same country.
Thanks Polfsky for your advice too. you both are right!
 
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Ketooo replied to Polfsky's response:
I've decided to be patient until i graduate from college. After that, if my boyfriend does not propose to me like he said, I'm gonna break up with him because I can't do this for years anymore. Thanks for your advice!
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to Ketooo's response:
So you'd rather force each other into marriage, just for the sake of being able to have sex? Marriage is a huge commitment and if your religion is that imporatant to you, you probably already knew that. I dont know what country your from or what your customs may be, but to me it seems like your looking at marriage as just a way to have sex.

You said that if he doesnt propose to you after graduation, that you'll break up with him? So what im hearing is that he isnt that important to you and you can just cast him aside...So if he does propose to you after you graduate and 5 years down the line does something wrong, will you just cut and run? Marriage is about compromise, you two have a lot to talk about before you even think about getting married. As far as im concerned you need to really evaluate your relationship, sex should be the least of your conerns
 
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Ketooo replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
You don't seem to have any problems with being able to go to a trip or a vacation with your boyfriend, or getting close to him without thinking you're doing something wrong. That's why you will never understand me! congratulations! you will never have to get married to be happy because you can just live with your boyfriend without thinking you're doing something wrong I know it's easy for you to say that when you have never experienced what I have, and when religion and values don't mean much to you. I understand you and I'm not gonna judge you because I don't like judging others especially when I don't even know them!
 
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Ketooo replied to Ketooo's response:
You don't seem to have any problems with being able to go to a trip or a vacation with your boyfriend, or getting close to him. That's why you will never understand me! congratulations! you will never have to get married to be happy because you can just live with your boyfriend without thinking you're doing something wrong I know it's easy for you to say that when you have never experienced what I have, and when religion and values don't mean much to you. I understand you and I'm not gonna judge you because I don't like judging others especially when I don't even know them!
 
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fcl replied to Ketooo's response:
Honestly, I'm not judging but I also find it strange that you are willing to throw away a relationship if he doesn't propose. Marriage is such a serious committment - Why would you want to marry someone that you care so little about? Why not look for someone who is more compatible with you and with whom you have a real connection rather than content yourself with someone that you are prepared to dump. It sounds like a case of "marry me or else" ... Have you discussed marriage with him? What are his feelings? Could I suggest premarital counselling with your church to ensure you are on the same page?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Ketooo replied to fcl's response:
there are things that you don't know. my parents might go back to my country soon. I don't have a lot of people here. most of my friends and relatives are in my country, and when I graduate I have to decide if I'm going to stay here or go back to my country. If I brake up with my boyfriend, there is nothing I would want to stay here for. I've been dating for 3 years and we see each other every other day. I love him, but I can't live like this forever. I want to be happy like my friends are. I'm a normal person and I want to be happy to. I'm not the type of girl who does not want to get married because she is are used to going to clubs and sleeping with different guys. I have not spent a night with a guy ever in my life because I'm saving myself for marriage.
There is one more thing that you don't know. I talked to him about this and he told me he wants the same thing that I want but we have to wait and I agreed. I'm still in school because I came to this country when I was 19 and I have not got an Associate's degree yet. I had to learn English and a lot of things. everything is fine between us. we rarely argue. the problem is that when he gets close to me, it just puts me in a bed mood. we've been intimate and intimacy is not fun to me. it's been like this for years. I even told him last night that I didn't want to get close and he understands. Now, you put yourself in my situation and you might be able to understand me.
 
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fcl replied to Ketooo's response:
No, I still don't understand. You marry someone because you love them. If you love them you don't just throw them away because they haven't proposed. You talk with them. You communicated. You decide TOGETHER when you'll get married and how long you are going to wait.

And don't assume that nobody understands. I left my family, my friends, my native tongue, my job prospects to be with the man I loved. I built a life for myself here. I didn't sit around moping that everyone I knew was "back home".

Finally, you say you'd break up because you can't wait years. Have you realized that if you break up with him it's

1. a sign you don't love him enough

2. a new beginning. You're going to have to do it all over again. Do you think you are going to find someone instantly you're available who will want to get married at the drop of a hat?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Ketooo replied to fcl's response:
You are right. I'm just confused and unhappy recently. I feel like I want to take it to the next level, not him even though he says he does. He only talks about it when I start talking about it. I don't want to push him or force him into something. I'm just not that type. That's why I decided to break up. We are more like friends right now after being in the relationship for 3 years, but we are not 15 anymore. it makes me feel depressed when I see how exciting my friends relationships are and how happy they are. my boyfriend and I have different traditions and I guess it's hard to understand each others needs and have the same goals, so I might tell him about taking some time off because I don't know what to do anymore.
If I break i'm with him and I'm single for a while, that's fine with me because I will accept the fact that I don't have a boyfriend, but when you have a boyfriend who you see every other day for years, but when nothing changes and the relationship does not improve for some reasons, it's depressing. and I didn't realize how much it affected me until i hang out with his friends' girlfriends and got annoyed but their conversations about how they wake up with their bfs every morning, how great their sex is and what kind of clothes excite their boyfriends, and why they were late for the movies. I just felt unattractive even though nobody thinks I am. listening to them just stressed me out because I don't have any of what they have. I got upset at myself for being jealous. It was a terrible feeling. I'm tired of everything.
 
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fcl replied to Ketooo's response:
You are probably right in breaking up with him. You shouldn't contemplate marriage with anyone if you have any sort of doubts about it ... and you have. I understand that you really like him but was that enough to spend the rest of your life with him? Imagine realizing that you married your best friend but that you have never really LOVED him.

It sounds as if you need some time to learn to just be you again, to learn to enjoy life for yourself. I'd say that is a good thing. Learn to love yourself and look at all the positive things you have and are (and I'm sure there are many ). Be you.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.


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