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    Need help overcoming sexual performance anxiety
    jonnyd123 posted:
    Hi everyone. Here is the short version. I've had performance anxiety since I was little. It was pretty severe. Due to a lot of issues I never really dated much or was able to when I was younger. Now I finally have started and I'm in my early 30's. I get so nervous when I get intimate with a girl that all the blood flows to all the wrong places. I went to a general practitioner who ran tests and said it was all in my head and I just need to calm down. He gave me this anti anxiety medicine but a half a pill of it kills my sex drive completely along with any other drive or willingness to do anything except breathe. So I went to a urologist. He also told me it was in my head but he sees it a lot and gave me a sample pack of viagra telling me to take a fraction of a pill each time before I try to have sex. The pill works and I'm no longer a virgin, but my gf is suspicious and more importantly I want to get off the meds. I tried some steel libido stuff with yohimbe and it kind of works, but I still get so ridiculously nervous. Actually It sometimes works. Sometimes not. I did try once without anything and I got hard but lost it very fast. I also find that even when I'm on viagra or steel libido I often losing it when changing positions. It usually comes back probably due to the meds. I even tried talking to a therapist and got some tips like "try to focus and stay in the moment." Yeah, I'm trying to do that, but its very tough. It also doesn't help that I just got over mono and still feel tired all the time. I went back to the urologist the other day. He again said it was common and he sees this alot and also the fact that I can't finish inside her is rough, but theres nothing that can be done. That doesn't bother me though. Its the not getting or staying erect sometimes that really gets me. Seriously, I would like to hear if anyone has similar issues or if they found anything that works. I really want to be able to get erect on my own without pills. I've only been having sex for a month and I'm perfectly healthy (says the doctors) so I need to overcome my problems. Im in love with my gf and don't want to risk anything that might push us apart. Thanks for listening.
    gymrat44 responded:
    Hi, Jonnyd123 -- now I'm not going to say that masturbation is the cure to everything, but I'm wondering if you took a step backward from having relations to another person and just focused on yourself for a little while if that might help.

    I'm thinking about extended masturbation sessions of over an hour, slow and relaxing where you really get to understand and enjoy your own body. And getting to feel confident about what it is capable of doing. And perhaps even doing some relaxation exercises, meditation or self-hypnotherapy (resources about those things are on-line). And practice separation of orgasm from ejaculation -- it's possible to have one or more delightful and gentle orgasms before you have one where you let go in ejaculation.

    Maybe you're familiar with all that, I don't know because you haven't mentioned it. But perhaps if you took matters into your own hands you could discover that your penis is really your ally, a buddy who can be depended upon to carry on later when you're with your gf. And these are just my guy-to-guy thoughts, I'm not a professional. Could be worth a try. Good luck!
    hairyd responded:
    jd, gymrat made great comments. A man should be able to enjoy masturbation for an hour or more. To fine tone his penis. To fully learn it's pleasure. The same as a male working in the gym to chisel his body. A quickie is only causing sexual issues.
    You did not state if you have a problem with a erection. For self pleasure or awakin with a hard penis. If so more discussion with your doctor is needed. Also if your having daily sex with your gf. I would limit the long jerk offs to twice a week. Always after intercoursce with the gf.
    You need to be in the moment, but not total thinking of
    the ejaculation.
    Enjoy the pleasures with your soft penis . Cover her body and yours with chocolate and whip cream. Or draw or write with water paint. I don't know your penis size, but I am able to have some entrance with a soft penis. You both need to enjoy oral sex; it will be more comfortable for her when your soft.
    Why sweat it! If you go soft changing positions. It give you a break. Just keep stoking her with your fingers or tongue. Also it good to have a sex toy or a XL cucumber / vegetable
    to help her have a few more O.
    Spend as much time naked together, in the bed, shower, watching TV. Enjoy foreplay all the time. Enjoy sex anywhere and everywhere. Limit the times your mating in hers or your bed. Do not take the pill for now. Ride her as you would a bike. If you fall off get back on. Let hers and your body do the talking. Put on some baby making music; and let your brains rest.
    This is normal for your age. As a virgin with limited or none nude experience. Your sexual desire is stronger as a teenager and twenties. But if you get control of penis now. You should not see another decline until your 60 - 70your
    Stay HEALTH, you are the the fastest Sperm from your Father.
    jonnyd123 replied to gymrat44's response:
    First, thank you for your reply. Its interesting, I always read that masturbation worked against you. However, your advice of learning and gaining a better understanding of your body seems like a good idea. I really am going to start meditation. I have never heard of separating orgasm and ejaculation and I've definitely never experienced. I'm going to have to do more research on that. You are right I would like to see my penis as a friend rather than the enemy. I need to change my mindset. I know it won't be easy, but in the long term its going to help. Thanks again and if you have any more ideas or tips, please let me know.
    jonnyd123 replied to hairyd's response:
    Thanks for the reply. You have some really interesting and creative ideas. I also really like your mindset. You just seem to go with it and enjoy the moment no matter what is happening or not happening. I would like to have that. It also sounds like practice and exposure to her will make a big difference over time. I don't know if I'll be able to convince her of that, but it sounds like a great idea. Thank you again and it looks like I have some things to try. If you have any more tips, please send them to me.
    gymrat44 replied to jonnyd123's response:
    You might have a look at the book 'the Multi-Orgasmic Man' which is available through I went through that book and did the exercises and learned there about separating orgasm from ejaculation. It worked for me, and I'll admit that the 'homework' was really quite enjoyable in itself!

    Good luck, and please come back with more questions as they come along. Won't always have the answers but it's good to keep talking.

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