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Sex-drive Missing All Together?
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SUPin posted:
I feel like I may be in sort of a backwards situation. . . I am a 24yo female and have been with my 28yo boyfriend for almost 2 years now, but for almost all of our relationship his sex-drive has been almost non-exhistant! I believe that I have a healthy and active sex-drive myself and like to explore, whereas he, when we do have sex, is sort of like a machine, I could write a guide to how every single "session" will go, its the same every time no matter what I try to do. I don't feel like I get pushy about trying different things and am very careful not to hurt his feelings or his pride when I bring it up so I am not sure what the underlying issue really is. I love him expicitly and would never stray and I completely believe that he feels the same but I would really like to have more sex more often! Once a month just doesn't cut it!

The other issue is that if I ever initiate it I innevitably get turned down, but I am expected to be ready whenever he finally decides that its a good time. . . It really kills my self esteem.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this/have any advice?
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Jeremy3456 responded:
If his sex drive is low, then you initiating sex out of the blue will probably not help.

It's hard to say what his issue might be. It could be low testosterone but this is unlikely given his age. I don't know, but it could be that he has a mental 'script' of how sex should be and how it should go. For him to deviate from that would make him feel awkward or ashamed, or at a loss for what exactly to do.

I suggest that in a non-sexual time and place, perhaps when you're out together in the car or something, mention that you would like more sexual variety in your life together. It might help to say that you don't even know what other sexual acts or positions or scenarios you would want, but you just want some new things. You could then try an exercise that I've found to be thrilling: each of you write down a list of sexual activities, scenarios, etc. that you fantasize about or are curious about, then agree to later share your lists with each other. The rules should be that it doesn't mean you'd have to act them out with each other (but if you both have a common fantasy, well then there should be sparks). And no negative judgements allowed. You could even rate each others' items on a scale of desirability. A variation of that is to watch pornography regularly together (or separately, and compare notes). Just seeing others doing sexual things----any thing sexually----increases the libido in many people. It sounds like he might be inhibited and needs help to get un-inhibited with you. There are times when I've engaged in conventional sex while thinking of something else totally kinky. Giving him "permission" to be kinky, or out-of-'script' if you will, could be a big relief for him. I've discussed kinky sexual fantasies with a partner and just talking about them can be hugely arousing. It was a reassurance to my partner to see me aroused; she then knew my sometimes lack of desire wasn't because of her.

And I applaud you for being sensitive to his feelings and his pride. He has self-esteem too and being sexually rejected for non-performance is an esteem-killer. Men have to 'perform' more in sex than women do. Who knows, maybe he has fantasies of being passive and being dominated!

And there's nothing wrong with asking him to help you masturbate with a dildo or something, even if he doesn't get sexually aroused.

And your "other issue" of you resenting him for wanting you to be sexually ready whenever he (finally) is, could be the issue. Maybe you two should plan and set aside times for sex. The more you do it the easier it comes. And to take the pressure off, perhaps make these times just mutual nudity and/or pornography times where sex is optional. Less scripting, more spontaneity. It might help to make things so that one of you can be sexual (i.e., masturbation) while the other is not, without demands or guilt.
 
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cto312 responded:
I've been the guy in this situation.
Sex just isn't as important to some people. Your sex drives may just be different. You shouldn't take it personally or hold it against him.
(unless he is really being a jerk about not being in the mood and not showing affection in any other way...)

I know in my situation my girlfriend wanted to have sex all the time and wanted to do different positions. But there is a difference between wanting and actually doing.
It sounds like you are really trying and not just complaining.

For a start, you both could talk about it, (during a positive and non sexual time) and try to compromise on a time. He is okay with once a month, you'd like it every day... maybe start with once a week?
Also, talk to him and see if there are problems. He might not be seeing any problems on his end. Maybe he just doesn't want to have sex at a certain time or something.
It could be stress, work, finances, sex-drive, motivation, fatigue, habits, personal...

And I have to mention, it must be hard but try to be patient and not bring it up a lot.
If you agree on once a week and he misses a week... don't ask about it until the second or third week.
In my situation we agreed on once a week and she would complain the morning after the second night. Didn't really do much but add to the stress and pressure.
It became more of a chore then fun.


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