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When will it be enough?
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whenwillhequit; posted:
I am living with an alcoholic. I an engaged to him and have been with him for 3 years. He has told me repeatedly that he wants to quit and has actually taken the steps to go to AA. He goes for about a week and then drinks one day then goes for a week again. I cannot talk to him when he is drinking. If he drinks to a certain point he gets really mean to me. I think that he breaks up with me everytime he gets drunk. Sometimes I want to lock myself into my bedroom and not come out. He has never become violent with me, but he does with some of the men that he drinks with. He has been thrown out of bars. It is hard to talk to him about what he says and does when he drinks because he says he doesn't remember, so he doesn't want to talk about it. Sometimes I tell him anyways. I love him and he is a wonderful person when he is not drinking, but I feel left out in the cold. I also don't feel like I deserve having to put up with this. I have worked too hard to get where I am and he could destroy it in a blink of an eye. When should I say enough is enough? Am I being too selfish. I know that I am supposed to view alcoholism as a disease that they cannot help, but when I feel like he is not trying to quit or make a galiant effort, where am I left? I am not sure what to do..... :neutral:
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divalarsen; responded:
You are not being too selfish to be concerned for your future. Alcoholics can be terribly selfish people. I am one. If he is violent with others, it won't take long for violence to come home. You cannot change this for him. He is the only one who will decide when enough is enough. If you are already asking that question, then you know its already been enough. He will be scared when you say its been enough and you make your move. He may make promises to change, which is great. But do not let that deter you from doing what you know is best for you. You know you don't deserve to be shut out of a relationship. You don't deserve to be afraid of what he's capable of. Loving someone starts with loving yourself first. It may be scary for you too. When you consider leaving a long term relationship, it takes change. But staying in the relationship and allowing yourself to be shut out only enables him to continue. Alcohol is not the culprit for an alcoholic. Its our own broken thinking that leads us to believe we can manage it when all around us life is a mess. Its enough.
 
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whenwillhequit; responded:
thanks for your words. I value opinions of those who have this disease within prospective.
 
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Taximan283 responded:
In my opinion alcoholics are addicts who's drug of choice is alcohol. People like this have a disease I now call CADD. This disease is earmarked by the person having bad feelings he/she can't cope with. Thus we use, and abuse, one or more drugs. I'm actually going beyond what most docs think here. But I've been fighting this disease 40 years. There is a pill that can help people who's drug of choice are the opiates. I don't know if this pill can help someone hooked on alcohol. This man needs to realize that he has emotions that make him feel like crap. He will not want to admit to this. But this is why he drinks. From what you said, his bad feelings are either anger, or they make him angry. For many people the bad feelings are more depression related, but for your man they sound anger related. Counseling should help him. But 1st, he needs to come down off his high horse. He needs to find out he's got an illness that he can't control and it comes from emotions he probably represses and he's not even aware of. He can get better. He'll always fight this illness, but he can get better. But he has to want to, and it doesn't sound like he does. As to your question when is enough enough? Now. I say that he either gets into therapy or you leave him. Not everyone in this world is an addict. Most people aren't. Find one who isn't. Unless you are too. And don't forget this disease is genetic. If you have a child with him the chances are very good the child will also have this disease.
 
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chey55 responded:
well, i have to say, i was married to a man for 10yrs,who was an alcoholic, and as the years went by he got meaner and went to drugs, and got meaner,and one day he knocked me out and left. my young daughter found me on the floor and called for help.to this day he says i asked for it i had to learn to keep my mouth shut.this is what he said to my daughter.to this day my ex is still drinking and says he;ll never stop because he likes it. Not only did i suffer but my children suffered.I know what your going thru but i would say get him help and soon.i married my ex knowing he drank but at that time i didn;t think it was a problem.he ruined my life.So the next time it happens i would say enough is enough!!! chey
 
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whenwillhequit; responded:
Thanks to chey and taximan. You both have given me a great deal to think about. I know that you cannot change people, but you always hope that the person that you love will love themselves enough to change for the better. The one thing that I forgot to mention about him is that he is also bipolar and is on medication. He believes that is what started his drinking because he was only diagnosed with the disorder since I have been with him. But as you can imagine if he is on a binge and is not taking his meds it is so much worse. I guess that I am going to have to find the strength in myself to make a hardfast decision. I do have one more question..... How will I know if he is making an honest effort to stoop drinking? I mean I know that he will stop if he wants to, but I also have heard that some people tend to "fall off the wagon" a few times before it sticks. Is that true? Thanks guys!
 
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chey55 responded:
i would say if he agrees to get the help he needs,and stops drinking,and stays away from friends who are drinking buddies, i would say at least he's making a effort. of course he'll fall off the wagon a time or two.i would give him no more then that.i don't know if you believe in God,but it would't hurt to go to church and get the strength you'll need from him.if he's bipolar and taking meds he should not be drinking at all.i'll keep you in my prayers. chey
 
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MitchRawson responded:
Your in luck! Youve got a recovering addict right here to give you advice! Though i am recovering from opiates its still basically the same idea. Most addicts seem to have a split personality. The real them, and then the addicted person. When your guy is drinking or planning on getting trashed he is not him anymore. Hes changed, for the worse. What an addict has to do to begin recovering is hit rock bottom. He doesnt feel like its a problem because hes still got the things he loves (ie YOU). No one deserves to have to deal with an addict, addicts are horrible selfish self centered 5 year olds, i know, i was one. So what you have to do, is leave him, plain and simple. Let him bottom out and realize that drinking is costing him everything. Its the only way, i promise you that.
 
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ADEE831 responded:
God girl, I am going through the same thing and just posted this enormous post about not knowing what to do. You are not being selfish and I know where you are coming from, he is a good man but when drinking things go sour. You are not alone. God every wall in my home has a hole in it, tables are broken. Part of it is because I do say something. It isn't fair. I work and go to school, he is unemployeed. I too have worked so hard to be where I am. I hold down my home on my own, with a good job and about to graduate in April with my first degree. I view it to as a disease but what I am finding is the more you put a strain the more they lie or resent you. It is a disease but a disease only they can fix IF they want to and see it as a problem. My man knows it is a problem as things sometimes get out of hand and thats when things break, but I have a problem of not backing down when I know I am right. I even told him if it cost me money I would help him get help, I'd go to AA, I don't care if I ever drink again, still he knows he has a problem, and guess what I just spoke to him and at 2:55 pm he is wasted with his cousin. I do not know how rough your situation is, but do not feel alone or selfish. It is hard to have to deal with someone liek this and knowing you love them, but exactly like your tittle, when wille nough be enough. I know I do not want our future children to be subjected to such a mess and I do not want to loose all I have spent the last few years of my life busting my but for. You have to do what is right for you, and it is so hard, because it is so hard for me. I cry almost everyday you can't help who you love, and the fear of leaving him is incredible, but Im starting to think when they hit rock bottom MAYBE just maybe they will straighten up, and I'm getting to the point that if it is with me or without me I don't care. I took care of my dad and his wonderful alcohalic years, why do I have to do it with another grown man (LOL-- you love men liek ur dad as the old saying goes). Girl I wish you the best of luck and only you can deicde for yourself when enough is enough. I am here and you are not alone!
 
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want_ responded:
If this is what you want for the rest of your life....hang on. Rest assured he will get violent with you. Is this what you want your future children to behave like at the very least. I would not and I would run as fast as I could away and to consuling to determine why you feel that you do not deserve better than this"wonderful" person.
 
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beendown responded:
One is to many and 1000 is not enough.... hitting rock bottom is hard to do. You don't no that you hit rock bottom until your hospitalized, jailed, or dead. It's enough when your tired of having to deal with his responsibility, What gives him the right to drag you down with his disease. You really need to be honest with yourself, You feel like your being left out in the cold because you are he needs tuff love and if you need to leave him for 3 or 4 months to make him understand that your not putting up with it then that is what you do. He needs help now not when he's sitting in jail, You need to find a treatment center and call and talk to someone about this. You will always love him but you can't live with him (his disease ) It's him or it't you..... that's final....godbless
 
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Kayap responded:
Hello, That feeling of wanting to lock yourself in your bedroom and not come out is not the way to begin your life with the man you love. I believe alcoholism to be the saddest of all addictions. It takes away so much from its victims and they hardly are aware of it until it is gone. Since you are not yet married to him I recommend that you do not marry him until you are sure he has one year of sobriety under his belt. Do not have children with him. I have been married to an alcoholic for thirty years. He is very high functioning in that he keeps a decent job, does not drink and drive, is not violent. But I watch him every night destroy his health and life. If I need to talk to him or depend on him to do something it has to be early in the day. I am second place to the beloved drink. His children also are aware that they also are second place in his life. He has friends who have no idea. I have never known anyone who has managed their alcoholism as well as he has. Now I have a son who also shares this dreaded disease. Unfortunately for him he is not able to maintain a job, has a couple of DUI's, spent time in jail, has been to several rehabs, has been addicted to pain pills and alcohol, divorced and unable to get his life together. I have been totally consumed with the pain and anguish this causes loved ones. I am as much to blame as they are because I decided to hang in there and "love" them. It isn't love but it is dependency. If I were in your shoes and as young as you and not legally married I would RUN.... There are many men out there who are not addicted. Establish a life for yourself that is free of this for you and for your future children. Yes what you have worked for can be destroyed in a blink. After you are married his drinking could lead to a fatal car accident. Your savings, home, future up in smoke. Take a break and think about this. Remove yourself from his drama for awhile. He has been to meetings and knows what needs to be done. He is not ignorant. Make him accountable. kay
 
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whenwillhequit; responded:
Thank you soooooo much to those of you that have taken the time to write to me and and give me advise. I think that I understand what I need to do now. If you now have any suggestions on how to do this without a blow-out fight I would welcome the suggestions. Please keep me in your prayers and hope that I have the strength to see this through. God bless you all. :sad:
 
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myangelzheart responded:
Hi There, Just read your blog and wanted to share my story with you. I was in a relationship with a alcoholic for a total of 6 years. With in the first three months I knew I did not want to be with him and broke it off, however, three weeks later I found out I was pregnant. We did not get back together till I was 8 months along and feeling very lonely and scared. We ended up moving in together to give it a try. Now he never hit me but he was mentally abusive and put me down a lot when he was drunk which was most of the time. I could not take him to any family gatherings if alcohol was being served because he would always get smashed and make a fool of himself. After another six months and no change in his drinking patterns, I found out I was pregnant again...I knew I wanted out but I needed a plan as I depended on him for financial support.. When my daughter (2nd child ) was six months old I decided to go back to work and start saving up so I could get out. It was hard to save money with two growing children but I managed to put away a nice little nest egg for a deposit and 1st, last moths rent within a 2 year period. My son (1st child) was 3 1/2 when he told me "daddy's drunk again huh mama", I was floored. I told my his dad that he had six months to choose us or the alcohol, he of course said we were more important to him. It just so happened that I got a job with an apartment community about two months later. By the time the six month deadline came around they had offered me a on site position with a rent free apartment. He had not changed so I packed up my stuff and moved the kids and I to the other side of town. That was 18 years ago. I do not have any regrets, I gave him more than enough chances to clean up his act, bottom line the alcohol was too important to him, he was an addict. I understand you love this man, but you will only suffer if you stay. There is nothing you can do to help him, he has to do it on his own, and by you staying with him you are sending him the message that you will put up with his bad behavior. You deserve to be respected and valued. And you need to love yourself more then you love him. It is ok to be scared to be on your own, lord knows I was, but you can do this. Who know maybe if you live apart from him he will change, but if he does not then you know he probably never will. Also if you are not ready to leave try going to ALANON it for families of alcoholics, they may be able to help you or give you advice. Take Care and good luck :smile: :smile:
 
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ADEE831 responded:
You can wait to a sober moment and try to have a disscussion with him, that you love him very much and that by you making the desicion you are is not because you want to but what you have to do in order to better yourself and hopefully him. I am currently in the middle of this ongoing discussion with my b/f. Let him know this is your plan and that it is probably best for the two of you to part you ways until he is clear on what he wants in his life. I told my b/f (who is a alcohalic) that we may not be friends now but in the future we can work on that but his passion is my pain and that this is not what I wanted my life to be like, especially with him. He may not beleive you, he may promise you things, don't fall for it (like I have many times and still have) but you don't have to sever ties (if you don't want to). You can let him know you will be there for him (if you want and/or can) but not in the same home and not in a relationship. End the discussion right there and leave when the time is right. Don't let it escalate. Especially if he is drinking. Don't let him guilt you. I know because I live it and I hate it and I myself have been planning my escape, but he knows where I stand and until I can leave, I have been watching for a change and he hasn't. He thinks I am not serious. He will when the time comes and he has had this time to prove something, instead mine is still unemployeed, still drinking, and still disrespecting me every chance he can get (he thinks behind my back, but i know. I see.) I live a life where every day I dread leaving work because I do not know what to expect when I get home to the apartment (that I pay for, in my name). I feel bad because he has no where to go and I put up with it, but in the long run he is destroying me and everytihng I have worked so hard for in my life. My point to you, is if you do that, it may even help him. Use the words I dont want to but I have to for me and for you. You would be amazed at how little things put the big picture into a better perspective. By having the talk it may give you time to see if he tries to change anymore or if he contniues on this horrible path of distruction. He seems to have made steps and girl do not compare my resutls to what yours may be because your man has tried and mine is young, stupid and has no desire to change until he losses just about everything (he has 3 dui's!). My prayers are with you and keep a calm voice, show that it hurts you, show that it is not what you want to do, hopefully it pushes him to change and if not it will push you to a way better life! I wish you the absolute best!


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