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    Marijuana causing marriage problems
    convoluted posted:
    Hello, O.K. so bear with me, this isn't something I have ever needed to verbalize before and really am not sure where to start. I am 27 and my husband of 5 years is 29. We have been together since I was 17. We own a home and I have a very successful career. My secret - I think marijuana is ruining my marriage. My hubby has smoked on a daily basis for about 15 years. There was once a year went without smoking in his early 20's - but besides that and a few months of not smoking here and there - it has been a constant. He smokes about 0.5 ounce a week. Not that much - especially since I usually smoke with him. Here's where it gets tricky - I can stop whenever I want. I know not everyone has that ability and I am lucky - but I regularly decide I am all-set and stop for a few months then start again since it is always around. Now we have been having money issues because he has been fired from 3 jobs in 3 years for being unmotivated and late all the time( 3 very well paying jobs that we really needed) and now has a crap job that makes it so we can't pay our bills. Obviously marijuana is not good for us. So I am done. He is having a hard time with not smoking and I feel bad because I can't deal with him. I can't take the pressure of needing to support both of us because he gets fired and then needs to wait a few weeks to pass a piss test to get a job. I want kids- he says he does too- but I refuse to have them with a marijuana addict. I want to enjoy life- not worry so much about how we have no money for fun because he spends anything extra (and some not extra) on weed. I was going to go into so much more detail - but the bottom line is I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with this crap. I didn't realize at 18 that I was going to be marrying a man that was going to stay an adolescent pot head his entire life. Please help me understand his side better. I have it easy quitting - he doesn't. He gets frustrated trying to talk to me about it - i am sure because i respond to grow up. i need to understand his side more before this completely destroys us because I can't help but think I deserve a better life than this. Sorry this is rambling and somewhat non-sensical.
    Taximan283 responded:
    Hi Conv, You have a very serious problem here. Maybe more serious than you realize? Maybe not. You really struck me when you said the thing about not realizing you were marrying a man who would stay an adolescent Pot head all his life. There are indeed people who do this. Some function better than others. There seems to be 2 types of chronic Pot smokers. One starts smoking from almost the moment he wakes up. The other is a ritual smoker, and only smokes at night, or after work. Which is your dh? I bet he's the 2nd kind. The 2nd kind get less done in life than the 1st kind, because the 2nd kind can't deal with the world when stoned. They can't go to work, go house hunting, or fix the car when stoned. Usually all they can do is sit there and think. They may appear to be listening to music or watching TV, but what they're really doing is living in a fantasy world where they think about everything they want to do, and plan to do. But they never get to doing it, because Pot steals your motivation. These ritual Pot smokers just sit there and fantasize their lives away. They accomplish little or nothing. And they can't stop. When they do they can't sleep or handle their emotions. It's very bad when a non Pot smoker is married to one of these. You'll find that unless he quits Pot for good, you're a mismatch. Don't have kids with him. Unless he makes a real commitment to stop permanently, make sure you don't get pregnant. Because that won't change him. If he won't quit permanently, you'll probably have to make a tough decision at some point. I'm assuming that since you made this post that you want to do something about this so your life can move on? Usually a chronic Pot smoker's life never moves on, especially a ritual smoker. I have more things to say to you but I don't have the time now. Maybe someone else can add some good advice to this. And maybe you can make another post so we know you're still here. You did say that you had more to say. Please say it.
    RyanDuncan responded:
    Convoluted~ It does sound like you have a bit of a problem on your hand. We all have different views on Marijuana on this board. Some think it is a evil drug destined to ruin you forever. Some think it is a fine drug, just don't overdo it. Some people think it is fine and nothing ever wrong with it. Regardless of which of these you fall into, there comes a point when the drug is doing more harm than good, and that is when you quit. Regardless of what someone thinks it is doing to their life, when they are spending bill money, rent money, money for vacation, etc on pot instead of these things, that is a problem. When someone looses their job over and over again for pot, that is a problem. When someone SEES these problems happening, and does nothing, that is a problem. Those are the tell-tale signs of addiction. Seeing the problems, yet not correcting them. It sounds like you understand this, and don't really have a problem. I really liked your line about " I was going to be marrying a man that was going to stay an adolescent pot head his entire life." That pretty much describes what has happened. A lot of people don't realize this when they get married to someone who does things they don't exactly like or approve of. They think the other person will grow out of it or move on, but the person gets stuck in a cycle, stuck in a way of life, and has a hard time changing. Just like some people can have a glass of wine, or a couple of beers one night a week and it not turn into a problem, some people can smoke a joint once a month or so, once a year, once a week, and never have it turn in to a problem. BUT, some people fixate on it, and it becomes their life. They can wait to get home at night to smoke a joint, they don't want to go on vacation because they won't have any pot over there (or any drug really). It sounds like he is in this group. There also comes a point when you need to decide how much you are going to take. If this is how life will be lived (get a job, loose it, have to go a month without one to clean out his system), then it may be time for a long talk about where this is going, and if it needs to go on. If he can't put down the pipe long enough to get a good job and keep it, again...that is a problem. Now, not everyone can just quit a drug. He may be mentally addicted to marijuana, and will need some help getting clean. Find out if he is willing to quit for good, if he is sit down and work out a plan with a good doctor to help him out. If not, then you have a choice to make. No one can make that choice for you, but you hinted in your post what you feel. You said "I can't help but think I deserve a better life than this." That seems to be your answer. Good luck and post back if you need more help.
    convoluted responded:
    Taximan you nailed the fact the my hubby is the latter of the two. Able to not smoke all day and then smoke at night and on the weekends, however he actually does get more done when stoned than while not. He is more involved in the yard work and house and all that good stuff if he is mildly stoned. This is what bothers me, because then when he is not stoned he has no desire to live life. It is so much more fun to clean outdoors while stoned - why do it while not? Well, because you can't be stoned all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I am making a bigger deal out of it than it is. My whole family has no issue with marijuana. So they think it is not really an issue (so much for parental support!) Actually, my family is full of addicts of all types- active coke addicts, recovering crack addicts and current pill addicts - so perhaps they see the pot as not even a blip on the radar now that I am thinking about it. The heart of the matter for me is two fold. First is the money. We are struggling harder than we ever have financially and I am clinging to the light at the end of the tunnel. I guess it is good that he always runs a purchase of weed by me first to make sure I can budget it in (at something else's expanse of course). But at least he has no possible way to hide consumption from me (or desire to actually for that matter) The money is getting better and seems like hopefully that will not be an issue much longer. The most important is the family aspect. So we talked about this the other day. He says he truthfully will probably get stoned occasionally on the weekends away from me and the future kiddos. I told him I would probably resent that and he replied that for all he knows he may not have the urge. we did have a marijuana free weekend a few weeks ago where we had a great time. he said he hopes to have more of those. So the recent dialogue was good. and I do have to give him credit that he has greatly reduced how much he smokes in the past year or two. he is making progress towards a more healthy life style. I guess it bothers me because since it is around I will smoke it (I have a very addictive personality - it is amazing that it is easy for me to stop anytime I choose). I guess teh best thing for me to do is to keep communicating how I feel. Talking about the role marijuana plays in our lives is a positive change from the stoners we both were a few years ago. The next step was to limit smoking to weekends. If things don't improve in 6 months we are going to try counseling. The thing is he really will quit if I demand it- but I don't feel like I should be telling him how to live his life- that has never been our thing. Ugh. Confusion confusion :chagrin:
    Taximan283 responded:
    Hi Again, I wish you could find my old posts on Pot. The money a person spends on Pot can become so extreme that one loses everything. I'm talking about after 30 years of smoking Weed. It reaches a point where you can no longer sleep, or handle everyday emotions without Pot. So at that point it's a physical addiction. Because so long as the person smokes Pot he can sleep and handle emotions. But he may not work anymore. I lost everything I had buying Pot. In 1990 I discovered SuperPot. A lot of people think they know what this is, but they're wrong. It's very hard to grow. That means there's very little of it to go around, and it's very expensive. But once you get used to this stuff regular weed does nothing for you. This stuff cost me between $600 - $1400 an ounce. I was soo addicted to it that I paid the money for it. I couldn't stand to be without it. Being without it was almost as bad as opiate wds, but it doesn't stop after 10 days. It takes many months to get used to being without Pot. I'm off Pot over 6 years and I still can't sleep or stay awake like a normal person. I have a very good pdoc who says I never will. Pot damages the brain. Sure it takes 15 - 20 or 30 years to do it. But it does it. Pot damages the brain. And it's permanent damage. All this happened to me, and I don't like talking about it anymore. But I'm telling you to warn you. I don't believe that your dh will ever give up Pot permanently. He'll always be an adolescent Pot head. Until he destroys his lungs with it, damages his brain, and loses all his money and finally quits. He'll probably be about 50 when he finally does this. Then, and only then, will he grow up and finally become a mature man. A man who can be a husband and a father. So long as he plays games with Pot he will never be. I don't expect you to believe me. I don't expect you to take my advice. My advice is give him 1 year to prove he can quit Pot forever. Put your marriage on hold. On probation, if you will. Make sure he knows this. Make sure you DO NOT get pregnant. Make him wear a condom, like as if you were just dating him. If he can stay off Pot 1 whole year, with no slip ups, and hold down a job that whole year, he can stop using the condom, and you can act like a married couple again. But I doubt you will do this, and if you do, he won't make it. If he doesn't make it, divorce him, plain and simple. No kids. It should be easy. Next man you pick, make sure he's not an over grown adolescent drug user. Make sure he's an adult mature man. A person cannot be this is they remain hooked on drugs and rely on drugs to feel good. They have to find ways to feel good without drugs. That's part of what it means to be mature. I consider Pot addiction to be 1 of the worst addictions because the damage it does takes place so slowly you don't realize it's happening. When I was in my 20s there were no old Pot heads to tell me what would happen. I'm 1 of the first. Pot destroyed my life. Don't let it destroy yours.
    RyanDuncan responded:
    Convoluted, Deciding what you will do, you should also take into account if you ever want to use marijuana again. Are you wanting your spouse to give it up completely, or just use it for special occasions (anniversaries, concerts, etc). Are you wanting to use it again ever? If you want a life pot-free then you already know what you want to do. I wouldn't let Jack scare you with the "Pot will destroy everything in your brain" and other various scare tactics. There aren't any proofs for that. Personally, i would attribute the many years of stimulant addiction for shrinking brains and ruining lives over marijuana. You don't need those scare tactics for your spouse. Just explain the problems you are having with it, the problems it is causing in your marriage, and if that is not enough for him, he may not be right for you. Personally, i would attribute many years of stimulant addiction for shrinking brains and ruining lives over marijuana, but to each their own. Everyone has different ideas on what drugs do, and every drug affects everyone differently. You seem to have enough valid reasons to go to your spouse with without resorting to trying to "scare him straight". It won't work, but an emotional plea from the heart might. Let us know if you need any more help...regardless of how we say it, we all really want to help each and every person who comes here. Some of us just do it a little differently. With Love, Ryan
    friend39 responded:
    Jack, I agree with you. Pot use destroyed my son's life. He went on to many other drugs but weed was his first addiction and it was horrible. It took his personality and motivation from him. He will even admit this today and he is only 26. I am 100 percent behind you on this assessment. kay
    Indy55 responded:
    You are not alone. There are hundreds, if not millions of women (and I'm sure men) who are dealing with this exact problem. And I have known many of them. There is pretty much nothing you can do with an unmotivated and addicted personality. They feed off of each other. The Marijuana, in some people, makes them unmotivated and lazy and then, if they have that "addict" gene, you are in a world of trouble. The thing you have to figure out now is this; are you going to continue to put up with this behavior or leave it? He isn't going to change, no matter how much you beg, threaten, plead, scream, cry or any other behavior you think might affect him. He, as the saying goes, has to want to do it himself. And you sure don't want to bring kids into this situation. That will make it even harder for you to break away from him. Some men need to have a woman leave them in order to believe that she really will. We women have a tendency to give our men chance after chance. And, we also threaten to leave numerous times and never do. So, they end up believing that we are just blowing smoke..pardon the expression, and won't really leave. Then, when we have finally had our fill and DO leave, they are stunned. So, you can either decide you are going to settle with living like this or you aren't. Because he isn't going to change...I can promise you he won't as long as you don't take any action at all. He MIGHT change if you do. But he won't for sure, if you don't. Good luck.
    gailb54 responded:
    Hi convoluted- so sorry that you are facing this issue. I was married for 23 years to an alcoholic/addict. I am an alcoholic, also, but recovering. In many ways, pot vs. alcohol would be like comparing apples and oranges. They are different. But, on the other hand, I was married to an addict who did not want to change. I'm sorry to say that you are, too. In AA I learned that emotional maturity stops once the addiction starts, which might be why you feel that he is such an adolescent. Obviously that and the fact that he has not been behaving in any kind of responsible manner (holding down a job, showing up on time, etc.) I hate to say it, but the one thing everyone seems to agree on is that he is not going to change. It would be a one in a million and only if he really was going to lose you... I still doubt it. He is having a love affair with his pot. It is his friend, his comfort, his escape, and he loves it more than he loves his own wife having financial security or the life she really wants. I think there are the hallmarks of addiction that you want to ignore, but don't. I have never smoked pot and know nothing about it, but when any drug or behavior continually causes problems with those you love (you) or with your finances or with your career, it has become destructive and will not go away. I understand your desire for kids and it's been the greatest blessing of my life. But, please don't have kids with your husband unless he gets rid of this drug and changes his behavior. Even if he does quit for a time- even for a year- you might not be rid of it. My ex quit once for 4 months (forever) and I quit once for 2 1/2 years just to think it obviously was not a problem if I could quit for that long and I started again. Fortunately I have now been sober for a long time, but the desires of addiction (even mental) are so strong and he has not shown the will that he even wants to change. I don't think he ever will. He will not want to lose his lover and friend (pot) until the pain of keeping it is so high that he has to. It might never happen. If you bring children in to this, I promise you that they will suffer and you surely do not want that. You are so right that you shouldn't have to deal with this. I don't think that you really, really realize it, though. It's so hard and it sounds like you love him and want your life to be something that is just not happening. It is SO much harder when you do not have the support of your family and I actually went through that as well. The drug was different (alcohol) but the situation the same and unfortunately he is still a drinking alcoholic (he even admits it and doesn't care). That factor in your life, with a family that does not recognize this as a problem, probably takes away just about any hope of him stopping and changing. What I really strongly feel that you need to do is get help for YOU. YOU are going to need the support and wisdom going forward that I think is beyond what you can get online. Also, you will second-guess yourself with his manipulations of you. I don't care about the finances at this point... this is a critical LIFE decision for you. Please get professional help for yourself now in how to walk through this. Make sure it is with someone who understands addiction... some don't at all. What you said toward the end of your first post is SO right... you do deserve a life better than this. Your future children do, too. Remember that! I wish you all the best, gail
    tashabug1986 responded:
    I think you have no room to speak if you also use marijuana. And on the raising a family bit; no child should be born to druggie parents. So it was a responsible idea to hold off on having children. Until you stop yourself and stop using the "I can stop at anytime" line, I don't think you should judge him. I know all that seems harsh, but I refuse to sugar-coat the truth. I do hope the best for both of you.

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