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    happiness vs highness
    An_226989 posted:
    I am a meth addict. I use it to self medicate. I self medicate because of depression. Meth is the only thing that can make me happy. Even if it is only until the baggy is gone. That is the only thing that can make me happy. Why is that?? Why is it that if im not high I feel so down. I dont feel like doing anything. I need to stop. Stop using it as my crutch but that is hard when it is the only thing that seems to help with the pain and hurting. Help anyone?
    Taximan283 responded:
    You just put me in a difficult spot, but you also hit the nail on the head.

    Amphetamines do make depression better, but the cost of what they do to you is too great. They can't be used for that purpose. Not yet. Maybe in another 30 years they will have amphetamines that can be used as antidepressants, but not yet. And certainly not Methamphetamine, or what you're using. But you put me on the spot because at 18 I suffered a terrible loss. I sat in my room crying for 5 days. Then I took an Up pill. Back then an Up was Methamphetamine. I was then able to go outside and face the world. And so I became what was called a Speed Freak. It was all due to depression, and depression to a specific event. Are you using Meth to combat depression to a specific event, or just general depression? I also must ask your age? I really have to urge you to not continue using Meth, especially for this purpose. The crash is horrible. What's more you will never get better like this. Don't you want to get better some day? You can't get better so long as you use Meth. Again, I speak from personal experience.

    I said you hit the nail on the head, because I now think that this is what's the problem for all of us. Depression, anxiety, low self esteem, or just crappy feelings in general. We don't feel right. So we use drugs. But the drugs we use are not very good at doing what we need done. We're sick people, to be sure. Have you tried Wellbutrin? I ask because that's a legal AD med that does something similar to what Meth does. It speeds up the Central Nervous System. Not in the same way, and you need to be off Meth for a while before you can use Wellbutrin, but since Meth makes you less depressed I'd try Wellbutrin 1st. I don't know how old you are, but you cant keep using Meth indefinitely. It will kill you. That's what it does, it kills. Meth Kills!

    Post again. Start a dialogue here. Let us get to know you. You can get better. But you have to keep posting.

    Shawnie_ responded:
    Hi Anon,
    I too am a meth addict, and I relate to how meth made me happy.
    For me - at first, I battled more bi-polar depression, so I wasnt "Stuck" in depression, I had moments of happy too.
    When I took meth, it made my depression happy, and my happy - happier.
    Meth (and I believe any drug that induces a synthetic endorphen or sarotonin) sends a message to our brain that we have enough (from the drug) so we dont need to make more (our brain's natural ability to make more). So our brain stops making these FGC's (as Jack calls them - feel good chemicals) and we become dependant on the drug.
    When we stop using the drug - we go through a dry spell, we are left with no FGC's, and we begin to experience a depression like we've never felt before, so often times, we'll use again to get out of that hell. But the drug will never be the same as the first high, or the last one you just used. It takes you down, it doesnt maintain you. If it did, then I would still be on it.
    The more you use, the lower you get, and eventually - at least for me, I had to use meth JUST to be in hell again. That is when I wished for the end. And I tried to end it all. I could no longer imagine my life with the drug, or with out the drug. It was either get clean - or die, and I welcome both. (I just blogged about this yesterday if it's something you want to read - blog address in my profile.).

    I know what it feels like to feel helpless and hopeless.
    If you want help, the best thing you can do is get honest, go to a qualified doctor (not a family practitioner, but a psychiatrist and even see a drug and alcohol counselor) and tell them the thuth about your condition.
    I was amazed at how willing everyone was to help me when I got honest. I was so scared ppl would scold me, tell me how stupid I was for being a single mom drug addict. But professionals know what your up against, you may not, but they know it's not a moral issue, it's a disease, and they can only help you if they can properly diagnose you.
    MISSBUBBLEYAJG responded:
    I understand where you are coming from. I used to do it for fun with friends and to let loose. Now I would say for the past year I would do it to escape my problems feel better in other sense, but truly its not the answer and only causes bigger problems. Like you said when your not high you dont accomplish anything, so in the long run you are going to miss out on so much. There have been so many times that I have been coming down or high with certain occasions or situations and Im not at my best and days where I put off "life" so what are the benefits really?? There are other ways to self medicate, first like pp said find someone to talk to or see a psychiatrist. I have never seen one attempted to see counselor but never did. Im convincing myself I need to do this finally. Its hard to make that first step but once you do you keep going and you tell yourself theres no turning back. You can only go forward. There is hope for a better tomorrow and thta starts with you. I dont mean to sound like an inspirational calender but I believe this myself and it helps me out. I also believe in God and am seeking him out for help as well. He is there, oh and like Jack said keep posting here. It has helped me out so much more than I thought it would. Good luck and take care!!
    An_226990 replied to Taximan283's response:
    Yes, I use methamphetamines. I usually do anny, because that makes me feel the best and keeps me going the longest. The "ice" today sucks. I am 20 yrs old. I have been doing meth since I was about 16. I just recently got married to a wonderful man. Well, I say recently, it was last October.(2009) And yes I do have a specific reason to be depressed but then again Im just depressed in general too. Its going to be a long story so hold on...

    Around June or July 2007, just a month or 2 after I graduated HS I started to hang out with a new group of friends. I did meth before this but usually alone, for my own personal use. Meth isnt the only drug we did. We did uppers, downers, whatever we could get our hands on. It didnt matter. Cocaine, meth, weed, oxy cotton, all sorts of things. Anyways we were partying constantly, every day through the week. I was getting the cops called on me all the time, but I never went to jail. I was in "good" with the cops there for a while. Then one of the cops started coming over to our parties and partying with us after he got off of work. We got pictures of him smoking pot and doing all sorts of things. Then we hooked up. He was 25 and I was 18. So, then we had a relationship and he came over more and more.
    Then one night, we were partying as usual, and he had a friend come down from about 2 hours away. So, anyways about 2 or 3 in the morning his friend decided that he wanted to go to bed, so John(cop) was going to take him home.(to John's house) On the way to John's house we stopped at the gas station and got some food because the ppl in the truck were hungry and there were 6 of us. John, me, his friend, and 3 of my friends. Ok, so when we got the food and gas we went straight to Johns house to let his friend out and then we were supposed to go straight back to my house, but John decided that he wanted to go backroading.(we were really messed up by the way.) Then I told John that he needed to slow down and stay in the road but he kept veering of the road and spinning out in the ditch and driving really fast, so I put my seat belt on. At this point there was only 5 of us in the truck. Me, John, and my 3 friends. So, we kept on driving and finally we came to a stop sign. At that stop sign John spun out and started weaving back and forth really quick just for fun and thats when all hell broke lose. The right front tire blew and we slid off the drivers side of the road and flipped 4 times. When I came to I was still in the truck upside down strapped to my seat because of my seat belt. There was no one else in the truck. Everyone else was thrown from the truck. I was scared. I started screaming but no one answered. The top of the truck was smashed down, so it was very hard for me to get out. Finally when I did I saw 1 of my friends out by the road on his phone with a big gash on his head. 2 of them on the ground but were ok, but John was no where to be found. When I finally found him he was on the opposite side of the truck and his was bent like an L-shape and I knew it was broke. It was the worst thing I have ever saw in my life. I grabbed up my cell phone and tried to call 9-1-1. No one would let me call though besides John. They were like NO, we will all go to jail. I told them that either they let me borrow a cell phone with service or I will kick their *** and take it from them. Id rather go to jail for Public Intoxication of drugs and alcohol thanfor murder, because John was seriously hurt and unconscious. So, I called 9-1-1 and when they finally got there John had come to a little bit and they had to care flight him to the hospital an hour away and I had to go to his house and tell his parents that he had been in a wreck and he had been hurt badly. This was the worst experience I have ever had in my life and we were very lucky that we all lived.
    For a while after that I stayed off the drugs but after a suicide attempt and being in acoma for 3 days from xanax overdose...
    An_226991 replied to An_226990's response:
    I decided that I needed to get "happier" again, so I got me some Meth and havent stopped since really. The man that I married doesnt really know how much meth I really do, but that is because I dont do it around him. He doesnt know how much pain I am in. I am one of those that can do meth and be really wound up but not show it becuase I have done it constantly for so long. I am definitely at my wits end. With Everything. Not just some things, but everything... Im tired, tired of trying, tired of living, tired of being happy, then unhappy, then happy, then unhappy... I cant control myself... I cant control my urges. I just need it to end..
    Taximan283 replied to An_226991's response:
    Hi Anon,

    That's a scary story. But at least no one was killed. I thought that was what you were leading up to. So I guess you know you have to quit Meth, right? Now all that remains is to decide on how you will do it. I think you should take Shawnie's advice, and get the help of some docs. They will most likely try some Antidepressant meds on you, and some may work. I still say ask to try Wellbutrin 1st. When I was 1st put on that med I was so surprised at how good it made me feel. It was very similar to the good feeling that comes from Meth. I kept expecting the pdoc to take it away from me. But he didn't. This was 1 high they let you have. But then disaster struck. I suffered a death in my family. Someone I was very close with. Wellbutrin didn't help after that. But I had close to 1 whole year of feeling very good on that drug. And it's a legal drug, that isn't harmful. So I say ask to try that first. If it doesn't work, then let the doc try what he thinks best. But anyone who uses Meth to combat depression, should try Wellbutrin. I think so.

    At the moment I don't have anything else to add to what Shawnie and Angie said. I just wanted you to know I read your posts too. Keep coming back here and making posts. Sooner or later, the road to getting clean will appear before you. Then all you have to do is walk down it. There is help out there. But you have to go ask for it.

    Take Care, and God Bless,

    Shawnie_ replied to An_226991's response:
    4997 - you have been traumatized. You probably have PTSD.
    Please PLEASE seek help! I'm worried about you! I feel your pain in your words, and their is help out there, I promice.
    I'm so so sorry that you had to experience this, I'm glad you all lived, but how horrrible!

    I agree with Jack to try the wellbutrin, but also get some counseling. I did for my PTSD, and over the years, my life has gotten better (with the PTSD - allong with getting sober and working a program of recovery). It took a long time to really start to heal from my PTSD, and my PTSD will never go away, but the tools I have learned about triggers, how to handle them (w/o feeling drugs are the only way out) have given me freedom. I can breath again.

    And please keep posting, keep writing, I believe writing is so healing and we are here to listen.
    An_226992 replied to Shawnie_'s response:
    I have talked to my husband about me getting help for my depression and he didnt take me seriously. He really made me mad. I dont know if I have depression or if i am Bipolar PTSD. I am sitting here and I am having a hard time focusing. Its like im "scatter-brained". Cant concentrate on one thing for very long. I cant remember anything. Like over the weekend, my dad called and I talked to him on the phone and the next day I didnt remember. I still dont remember to this very minute. I dont know what I have or what is wrong with me. I just know that its getting worse.. I think im partly bipolar(drug-induced) and partly depressed, with maybe a lil bit of PTSD. Idk where to start to get help... My husband is usually very supportive but he just doesnt understand.. I have no feelings. Really im just a cold, hateful person sometimes.. I have cried until there is no more tears... I dont have many emotions at all... I need help.. Im nearly to that point where nothing matters anymore. Please help me.. Where do I find help? How do I tell someone that I think im CRAZY???!!!

    Taximan283 replied to An_226992's response:
    Hi Sara,

    I'm glad you told us your name. Can I ask your age? It helps me to know the age of the person I'm writing to.

    Once again, you're making me think that today's Meth must be quite different from my Speed. Unless you've gone 1 or 2 months with no sleep now. When did you sleep last? You need food too. When did you eat last? I'm trying to understand why you're so confused and have no memory. I find that odd. Speed didn't do that until I went 2 or more months without sleep. But maybe you know what I'm getting at here. I'm saying you need to stop doing Meth. I mean if you ever want to feel like a normal human being again, you do. You have to stop that crazy, insane drug. Because look what it's doing to you. OK. Enough of that.

    I'm sorry your dh didn't sympathize with you. Maybe there are things going on with him you're unaware of. Or is he doing Meth too?

    Sara, you have to do what is best for you. That means you have to go ask for help. Don't worry about what he did or didn't say. We're your friends here too. Several of us have kicked Meth out of our lives. You have to do that, and ask for help. I'm not really sure where you should go. Maybe someone else knows better than me. Depending on how long you've been using Meth, maybe a detox center can help. Without details about your use, I don't know what to advise. So can you give us some details?

    An_226993 replied to Taximan283's response:

    I can give you some information, yes. I am 20 yrs old. I have been going for a week now. I havent eaten in a couple of days. Ive heard that it is Depression and that is why Im not remembering things because Im so depressed that I cannot focus on a certain thing. Im all over the place, or "scatter brained."

    I do worry about what my dh said because he is the most important thing. I need him to understand. I need him to support me in my decision to quit. If he does not then I see no reason to quit. Why would I? He is the only reason that I keep living... I love him dearly.

    An_226994 replied to An_226993's response:
    Im so deep in this that I dont think that I can quit. I dont think that would be wise.. Its the only thing that keeps me feeling "normal". I dont smoke or snort dope. I have some serious problems and I dont know how to deal with them.
    An_226995 replied to An_226994's response:
    I have used for 4 yrs.
    Taximan283 replied to An_226995's response:
    Hi Sara,

    So do you mean you have used Meth on and off for 4 years? Right now you're at 1 week without crashing, is that correct? So long as you crash for a few days every week, I don't know if a detox center would take you. However, what I think you need is a rehab, not so much detox.

    When you finally quit Meth you're going to be very tired, and sleepy. You might sleep for 3 or 4 days getting up only to use the bathroom. Obviously, you're going to feel depressed. That's why you need to go onto meds as you stop the Meth. There's no point in taking meds with Meth. They won't work. So you do need a doc. You need a pdoc, that's a Psychiatrist. You also need therapy and/or counseling. Your depression is making you think your dh is the only reason to live. That's not quite right, Sara. You are the reason to live. You have to get clean and live for you. And unless your dh is also a drug user, he will probably like you better when you get clean. But you have to do it for you, not him. You can do it for the both of you, but it should be you're #1.

    So now that you told me all this, I say you need to look for a pdoc. The pdoc should have experience with drug abuse, depression, and PTSD. Some of them advertise. But I prefer getting a referral from someone. So ask around. You should also try an AA or NA meeting. Some one in there may be able to recommend a pdoc. Most addicts in recovery are not doing it alone. Many have 1 or more different docs helping them. And you do need a doc's help.

    Try talking to your dh again. But first ask him what his mood is at that moment. Maybe he had a bad day on the job. If he's usually receptive to your problems, then something was probably bothering him. Ask him first if now is a good time to talk to him about a problem you have.

    And let us know what happens.

    keep posting. You need to feel connected to others. That's very important.

    Shawnie_ replied to An_226994's response:
    Sara, I wished I could give you my knowledge so that you could understand.
    I know things are very scary for you right now.
    You are so young and already so hooked.
    You have a whole future ahead of you, and you have the chance now to get out of the road your on.

    I personally know many people who started as young as you and are now in their 40's.
    Their life is NOT pretty AT ALL.
    Can you imagine what your life will look like in 13 years from now if you just give in to the fact you need meth and have no reason to quit? What about 25 years from now? What about when you should be a grandma playing with your grandkids?

    If you live (which people do), you will eventually cross a line of permenatnt brain damage. And i'm not talking the kind that you need antidepressants for the rest of your life. But that line that makes you unable to function w/o assistance.
    People helping you write checks for your rent, paying for your rent, driving you places, or you riding your bike because you can't get a drivers lisence. That kind of brain damage where your just kind of gone - forever. Even clean.
    I have hated seeing my friends cross that line.
    I've hated seeing my freinds die. I just found out another friend of 10 years died last Tuesday. He had 5 years sober, started to isolate, went back out (starting with drinking mouthwash) and spiraling down from their. He crossed that line, lost his drivers lisence, lost his job, lost his wife, and had to have a friend care for him. And now he's dead.

    My Brother inlaw has been hooked on meth (and oh so convinced that he has fooled everyone). He just want to jail again. He just lost his place, his truck. He hasnt seen his kids in years (tells me "At least I didn't hurt them with my drug use". Um - hey idiot, YOU HURT THEM!

    I've said it before, I'll say it again.
    They don't call it "Dope" because it makes you "Smarter".

    I know you love your husband, and it's okay to love your husband. But you will not have your husband or anyting continuing down this path. That is not just something we say to scare you into quiting. This drug destroys everyting in your life. It want's to destroy you - and if it has to tell you lies like "Why quit if your husband doesnt want you too?" to keep you hooked, then it will.
    This is a disease of the mind. You have what they call "stinkin-thinkin". Your thoughts and best ideas are your worst enemy right now.
    So believe me and Jack when we tell you facts of what does work.
    We have different paths and different ideas to offer, but something will work.

    You see, you wont get support from your husband. He loves you just as the two of you are.
    Your love is like a dance, and if you start to get help, that dance changes, and that scares him.
    I remember my little buddy (that I used with, and he always bought my drugs) always told me how much he loved me.
    But he kept me drugged.
    See, as long as I was drugged, I needed him. And he needed me to need him. and if I got well, I wouldnt need him anymore. So he kept me very well supplied.

    This is where you need to fight for you.
    But you can't do that until YOU become more important than your husband.
    So I pray for you. I pray that you to dream of a life with your husband, and that you dream of a day of having beautiful children that have never seen you high,

    ~zillion hugs~

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