I have a special someone who has FINALLY realized he needs help. He's dually diagnosed with substance abuse and schizoaffective disorder, so this process is likely going to be one very long haul. I have never been a user or addict so I am struggling with understanding the things he is experiencing. He's in detox 125 miles away but is planning on transferring to a facility here for long term residential treatment. His family has completely abandoned him, and I am all he has left.
I don't really know what to say to him. When I ask him what he needs me to do, I'm told "just be there for me." I am. But I don't know what kind of long term support he's going to need from me other than eventually keeping a dry/sober home and enforcing that (and I am concerned about how he may resent me for that in the end). What else can I do to help him through this process?
There really isn't more to be done. He has to do the work. As far as being the enforcer I wouldn't put myself into that role if I were you. You may want to be a supporter but when and if he falls that is his problem. Go to the meetings for family and friends. Read as much as you can about enabling and living with an addict. Most of all build up your own life and do things that make you a happy person. Go to at least 10 meetings and listen to others who are experiencing loving someone who has addiction issues. It will help. Kay
It's a journey Melly. I love two addicts. One who is in recovery and doing well and one who is not there yet. Keep your head above water is what I say. Not sure I would recommend staying the course to anyone but there is always hope and always the possibility of real change. I always recommend the meetings because I know they have helped many family and loved ones. I went to private counseling which helped me. We all find our places of comfort. The most important thing sounds like the easiest but when you are constantly worried about someone else it isn't so easy. Take care of you. You need to be healthy in order to be the best person for him. Demonstrate that happiness doesn't have to come from pills or the bottle. That you can enjoy life and love without that crutch is such a blessing. I also wasn't an addict and found it hard to figure this out. It took me nearly thirty years to get to this point. You are young and have a great opportunity to change things around. Take care and best of everything to you,
I am trying my best to take care of me. Not really getting a choice in that at the moment. I have my own lovely set of mental health issues and they've been rearing their ugly heads lately.
He's just finishing up detox and we're separated right now by about 120 miles. He was attempting to enroll in a program near me, but it's wait listed for 5 months. They've found him one where he is and probably will transfer there within the next 48 hours. This of course has me reeling and struggling to figure out whether I should stay here or shift closer.
Asked him how long of a program he signed up for and it's the base 28 days. Asked if he's thought about what happens after that and I got my head chewed off and handed back to me. So I ended the call. It's just so hard to be able to see the big picture, that he needs to completely leave the area and people who have partnered with and enabled his substance abuse issues, and realize he doesn't see that yet.
Melly, Your doing great! The one thing to keep in mind is that it is wonderful that he has made this initial step. During the 28 days many things can come clearer to him such as the need for more time or the need to stay away from former friends. The people who run the programs know the things to say and do for your friend. I would probably steer clear of the place for now. You will probably be allowed to visit after a set time and you could try to get there for that. My son was in a program and there were no visits or phone calls for the first 10 days. Then there were visits on Sundays. It was strict but he gained much from the dedicated staff there. Trust in the old adage that says "One Day At A Time". He will be going through much during the next month and when he calls just be encouraging as much as you can be. Don't worry about the future just yet. Time will work this out. Trust in God. I will keep you in my prayers.
Major setback. There will be no rehab for him. He was on parole, and of course during the coordination of care, his parole office needed to be notified. Because he was voluntarily in for help, the PO was able to obtain info which probably should have been blocked. Parole was to end Aug 6. Have to love a state who cannot see rehabilitation as an option. Really. Needless to say, the PO picked him up and deposited him at the county jail where he will spend the next 96 days. I had to fight with the nursing staff this morning to be certain they followed up and obtained the prescriptions he takes for the schizoaffective and bipolar disorders and the antibiotics he's supposed to be on for a lung infection. Yes, he did wrong. But was it really worth the paperwork involved for 3 weeks of time? <sigh> So now it's get him through the next 96 days and then I am going to have to convince him that he still needs rehab. UGGGGGGGHHHH!
Sorry for the rant. It just seems so freakin' pointless. You know?
Thanks! I am trying to see this as a reprieve for me to pull myself together and re-create a home environment appropriate for him to recover in. Dry house, and since I've also moved dry friends to go with it. Or at the very least, people who will respect the need for it to be that way. There is nothing more I can do with the incarceration issue except to write him and reassure him I am here and he has a home when he is done. And then chalk it up to a new beginning. Justice needs to be reworked for sure, but that's a whole other topic and ball game.
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