Trying to Conceive: Friends Talking Community

I'm 31 years old and am blessed with a healthy 2 and a half year old. After reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility, I got pregnant the first month I tried. This was a surprise because my husband was told he had a low-normal sperm count. I went through this pregnancy trying to educate myself on everything related to being pregnant and having a healthy baby. I enjoyed the pregnancy without a great deal of worry...something I'll never do again.

Last April, we tried to get pregnant again, and we did. I went in for my nuchal scan and discovered the baby had an extremely rare neural tube defect (exencephaly). This was heartbreaking. There is absolutely no chance of survival for any baby with this defect, so we proceeded with a d&c. We had genetic testing done, which showed there were no links to genetic problems on my side or my husband's side. I was put on a much larger amount of folic acid and had no answer for why this happened to the baby. I still blame myself.

Two months later, I became pregnant again. Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at the six-week mark. This miscarriage also coincided with my son's second birthday. My mother was also visiting, and I didn't have the heart to tell her about the pregnancy or loss. She has worried enough. That was a hard day. I had blood work done for people who've had multiple miscarriages. The results showed I had a slight problem with my protein s-activity level. After doing a retest six weeks later, my level was normal. The doctor said protein-s activity levels can be altered after a miscarriage. I was told to try again and that no further action needed to be taken b/c this was technically my first miscarriage.

It's been five months since my last loss. Just this week, I had two faint positives on two pregnancy tests and had several pregnancy symptoms. I'm supposed to get my period tomorrow, and I just took a digital test. The result showed I'm not pregnant. What happened? It's been enough days so my hcg level should've been rising. I don't believe I'm pregnant anymore.

My husband is reaching the point of not wanting to push our luck anymore. We were fortunate to have one healthy baby. One of his brothers has cerebral palsy. He knows what it is like to have a family member with a disability. He's scared...rightfully so.

I still want to try. I'm worried my d&c has messed up my ability to keep a pregnancy. I feel discouraged. I am a good mom. I educate myself on how to be healthy and have a successful pregnancy, yet I keep failing. So many people get pregnant when they don't want any children and are not healthy. I feel sad that I'll never be able to enjoy a pregnancy. I feel sad that I've lost control over this situation and that the plan I had for my life is no longer working out the way I wanted it to work.

I just started seeing a therapist because I've developed so much anxiety about these situations. It's hard to figure out why these bad things have to happen...nature's way, blah, blah. I've even thought I could be a bad person, and this is just karma. I don't know.

For those of you reading this who have yet to have a baby, I'm sorry that you even have to put up with my whining. I do feel blessed to have a baby and can imagine the pain of miscarrying without having any children before that would be incredibly harder and worse. Please forgive me.

I would greatly appreciate any insight anyone can give me. What sort of tests should I request next? I've heard the next step might be to take baby aspirin during the beginning of the pregnancy? What do you think happened to this current pregnancy loss? Do you think the d&c has prevented me from ever keeping a pregnancy again?