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Just a question but poss. trigs
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kittykatjenn posted:
So, DH and I were talking tonight and it got me thinking. Have any of you considered not being able to conceive at all?ean, would you consider adoption? I have a niece and nephew on DH's side that are adopted. We never think of that and I love them so much. But I just don't know if I could do it. I mean, would I look at a child I adopted and think that the only reason I had them was because I couldn't have my own?

I know this is super harsh, but it is something that I need to think about. DH said for sure that is what we would do. But I just don't know. Am I an awful person?
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prayforamiracle responded:
First off, you are not an awful person. I think the feelings you are having are totally normal and expected. We have talked a tiny bit about adoption and at this point, DH is much more willing than myself. I'm just not really to give up yet on trying to have a baby. I can't really speak on how you would feel once you had adopted a baby, but it is something to think about. I just don't know. It is a huge step and to me a bigger one than deciding to have your own. One thing that holds me back and angers me when I hear people saying this, "They(the adopted parents) don't really know what it is like to have their own and can't possibly love them the same". When I hear this statement it makes me feel like people that have their own, don't truly respect adoption. I think to be an adopted parent and to hear this statement would break my heart and if the child would hear this, it would devastate me. I know I haven't been much help on this, but know you are not alone.
Prayforamiracle-Me(36)PCOS Dh(43)MFI TTC since 11/06. Only pregnancy ended in loss in July 2007. On 1500mg of Metformin. Currently on Cycle 25.
 
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rooni222 replied to prayforamiracle's response:
You're definitely not alone! i can tell you that when someone tells me "you can always adopt" i dont jump on that idea. Not because i wouldnt have love to give to that child, i would love any child as my own, but i think its because we have a biological urge as women to get pregnant and experience that journey ourselves. I can also tell you that when i think that, i ask myself "does that mean i am not ready to be a mother?" its a feeling of guilt and it sucks that not only do we have to deal with infertility but also these feelings of guilt. i cant tell you whats going to happen in the future, but i can tell you that you are completely normal in thinking wht you're thinking. dont worry dont beat your self up. also, just the fact that you are thinking about this, means that you are already on the right track.
 
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mabeline12 responded:
Under no circumstances are you an awful person. I think it is absolutely a normal process that you are going through. It also sounds to me like you should make sure you exhaust all of your options to try for a biological child before concidering starting the adoption process. I think once you go through everything and if nothing worked, if you want to be a mother you wont care how you get your child, just that you have them. Its a hard choice and mind frame to come to... to be able to accept an adoptive child into your life. I think that you are smart to start thinking about it now though. I know for me, its always been, I will adopt if none of my treatments work. I've always known that I want to be a mother more than anything ever in this life... But I also have always known that I was going to do everything in my power and try everything there is for me to try to have a biological child. Dont feel bad about talking about your feelings in an honest way, especailly here... Talking about your feelings and getting them out will help you work through everything and come to the decision that is right for you. You and your family. Hang in there and we are all here to listen! *hugs*
 
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kittykatjenn responded:
Thanks for all your replies. I was just shocked I guess at how easily he was talking about it. I mean, I guess it is something that I should prepare for now since nothing else seems to be working. I hope that if it comes to that I can be prepared.
 
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alb7585 replied to kittykatjenn's response:
DF and I have had this talk a few times. Especially after our miscarriage and meeting with our RE. We had the serious talk to talk about how far are we willing to go and how much do we spend before we give up on our own baby. We knew IVF was the end for us and we wouldn't do it. IUI, yes ... IVF no. We also knew we would be willing to adopt but didn't know if we were going to start with a baby or an older child. I still, oddly, want to adopt. I feel I really have a calling there. I am willing to even do overseas adoptions whereas DF has his reservations. This was probably one of the hardest conversations as he has sperm motility issues and combined wiht my PCOS we were told we would never get pregnant on our own. Now we have DD and are discussing more (not anytime soon). But we ask ourselves how much do we have to go thru? We had the miscarriage, progeserone that cost a fourtine for 18 weeks, injections of said drug in addition to the drug, weekly ultrasounds fr the first 8 weeks, metformin, clomid ... then the end of the pregnancy wasn't any smoother. Its a hard line to draw sometimes and something hard to wrap your mind around
Me (25), DF (27), DS (11/14/07). DD (4/25/11). M/C 7/2010. PCOS success story for now
 
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FrmGirl responded:
First, you are not an awful person for thinking/feeling these things. That is a part of life. Those feelings shape who you are and help you make the best decision for you and your family.
I'll give you my experience and see if it sheds any light for you.
My DH and I will be ttc for 6 years in August. After the loss of our son, Jude, we wanted a family but were afraid to get pregnant once again only to suffer another loss. So, we decided to adopt but we didn't come to that conclusion lightly. I didn't understand how it would be possible to love an adopted child like I loved Jude. I mean, an adopted child is just that, adopted, and not from my womb. Could I in fact love an adopted child the way he/she deserves? In February 2010 we got the most beautiful baby boy in the entire world. We named him Gabriel. The minute I laid eyes on him I forgot that he was adopted. I know it sounds odd but there were times that I forgot that I hadn't actually given birth to him. He is now 16 months old and is exactly like us (sometimes that is a bad thing since he has our attitudes!! ) We are still ttc b/c we want him to have a little baby brother or sister to love.

Now, having said all that, it doesn't mean that adoption is right for you. It isn't right for everyone. It doesn't make you a bad person b/c you don't know if you can handle adoption. It actually makes you a better person knowing who you are and what you yourself can handle.

GL in whatever you decide and keep us posted.

Oh...and Pray--I've never had anyone say this to me but believe me, I would have a response to that, and I don't think the person saying it would ever think that again (or at least they wouldn't want to say it out loud again!!)
Hannah(28)DH(26) TTC since 2005. M/C 2007(early) Early delivery 2008 (23wks) Jude: May 21, 2008 - May 31, 2008; Gabriel: (adopted) Feb 2010. Anovulatory and irregular cycles due to PCOS. Dx in 2006.


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