Anxiety & Panic Community

this is my first time ever posting a thread on this site or any other. I have to find a way through this torture i put myself through everyday, or i am going to get a gun from my parents house and pull the trigger with the barrel in my mouth. Its that serious, its that dire, i feel that i have exhausted every other option. Every night when everyone else is sleeping, i am up pacing and trying desperately just to breath. Fear has consumed me, i get 5-10 panic attacks a day, and during the time between i am so defeated that every thought that passes through my brain is negative. There is ZERO joy ZERO happiness and absolutely ZERO hope in my life.

I dont know what happened. I have had general anxiety mixed with panic attacks all my life, but the last 3 months is a whole new kind of hell. I am a 35 year old male, last year i had a decent job, i was taking classes at the community college, and was in the fourth year of the most important and gratifying relationship of my life. Then in March of this year she left me, i lost my job, lost my health insurance and my car broke down all within a 3 day span. Since then it has been a downward spiral. I have dealt with many circumstances in my life that have been really difficult to process and move on from, this wasnt the first long relationship that ended, i have lost jobs and cars before, friends and family members have passed away... I have been to 14 funerals... But somehow i managed, i always had something to look forward to.... Today, what im dealing with now, its different, its terrifying, it feels like the end, impending doom. Doctors have me on 4 meds at the moment, but i have been on at least 20 different pills for anxiety and depression in the past, i have been hospitalized 6 times and cant remember how many times i have been to the ER thinking i am having a heart attack. Even with all of that, all the things i have read about anxiety and depression, all the things psychiatrist have told me, nothing helps, it just gets worse. The last 3 months have been so intense i dont think i can last any longer... I dont want to kill myself, i dont want to put my parents or other people through that... But doctors wont help me, i have medicaid, all the doctors do is switch me to another useless pill. The only medication that seems to help is xanax, because it puts me to sleep eventually, but everyone knows xanax is addictive and should only be used temporarily... I am on hyroxyzine, buSpar, effexor, and suboxone right now. If i am lucky i sleep for 5-6 hours every other day..... I never sleep at night, i am too terrified... Sometimes i am awake with my mind racing with sadness and hopelessness for 50+ hours at a time. I am scared that there is no hope for me, that maybe suicide is the only way to end this. My family doesnt seem to care, or understand, when i try to describe what im going through, they tell me i am "pathetic" and that i just "bum everyone out" ... I dont want to be anyones burden anymore, but i dont want to put anyone through the aftermath of a family members suicide either...

I am trying meditation, Qigong, and breathing techniques... But the results are very limited... I dont think i am capable of positive mindfulness... I am too damaged... All of the chemicals in my brain are depleted and i am forced to rely on pills to regulate my serotonin and dopamine levels..... Im sorry i cant seem to figure this out, i am obviously nothing but a worthless burden to society, but too much of a baby to do something about it.. I dont really expect anyone to read this, much less respond to it, but something compelled me to reach out via this mean of communication.. If anyone has anything to offer, please reply.