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    Ongoing fear of dying (terrible anxiety)
    Aroundthefur posted:
    this is my first time ever posting a thread on this site or any other. I have to find a way through this torture i put myself through everyday, or i am going to get a gun from my parents house and pull the trigger with the barrel in my mouth. Its that serious, its that dire, i feel that i have exhausted every other option. Every night when everyone else is sleeping, i am up pacing and trying desperately just to breath. Fear has consumed me, i get 5-10 panic attacks a day, and during the time between i am so defeated that every thought that passes through my brain is negative. There is ZERO joy ZERO happiness and absolutely ZERO hope in my life.

    I dont know what happened. I have had general anxiety mixed with panic attacks all my life, but the last 3 months is a whole new kind of hell. I am a 35 year old male, last year i had a decent job, i was taking classes at the community college, and was in the fourth year of the most important and gratifying relationship of my life. Then in March of this year she left me, i lost my job, lost my health insurance and my car broke down all within a 3 day span. Since then it has been a downward spiral. I have dealt with many circumstances in my life that have been really difficult to process and move on from, this wasnt the first long relationship that ended, i have lost jobs and cars before, friends and family members have passed away... I have been to 14 funerals... But somehow i managed, i always had something to look forward to.... Today, what im dealing with now, its different, its terrifying, it feels like the end, impending doom. Doctors have me on 4 meds at the moment, but i have been on at least 20 different pills for anxiety and depression in the past, i have been hospitalized 6 times and cant remember how many times i have been to the ER thinking i am having a heart attack. Even with all of that, all the things i have read about anxiety and depression, all the things psychiatrist have told me, nothing helps, it just gets worse. The last 3 months have been so intense i dont think i can last any longer... I dont want to kill myself, i dont want to put my parents or other people through that... But doctors wont help me, i have medicaid, all the doctors do is switch me to another useless pill. The only medication that seems to help is xanax, because it puts me to sleep eventually, but everyone knows xanax is addictive and should only be used temporarily... I am on hyroxyzine, buSpar, effexor, and suboxone right now. If i am lucky i sleep for 5-6 hours every other day..... I never sleep at night, i am too terrified... Sometimes i am awake with my mind racing with sadness and hopelessness for 50+ hours at a time. I am scared that there is no hope for me, that maybe suicide is the only way to end this. My family doesnt seem to care, or understand, when i try to describe what im going through, they tell me i am "pathetic" and that i just "bum everyone out" ... I dont want to be anyones burden anymore, but i dont want to put anyone through the aftermath of a family members suicide either...

    I am trying meditation, Qigong, and breathing techniques... But the results are very limited... I dont think i am capable of positive mindfulness... I am too damaged... All of the chemicals in my brain are depleted and i am forced to rely on pills to regulate my serotonin and dopamine levels..... Im sorry i cant seem to figure this out, i am obviously nothing but a worthless burden to society, but too much of a baby to do something about it.. I dont really expect anyone to read this, much less respond to it, but something compelled me to reach out via this mean of communication.. If anyone has anything to offer, please reply.
    daynas1234 responded:
    Hello, I read your post, i have been to many different doctors for my major depression, severe anxiety, and i never leave the house except to go to my appointments and that is only if my dad drives me. I'm 27 years old and still live at home. A lot of times i feel like a burden. I've tried many meds, over a span of 10 years,Right now i'm on Venlafaxine, topiramate twice a day, clonazepam, which is for the anxiety, and latuda. Some of these meds i don't think help. I often sleep too much or too little. I feel my brain cannot function without my antidepressants. All we can hope for is something or someone to get us through one more day... one day at a time...
    Reid Wilson, PhD responded:
    Hey, Aroundthefur -
    I'm so sorry to hear about all your suffering. You have been through a tremendous amount of pain, trying to get support, testing out medications, finding no care from your family. No one should have to go through what you've been through. I wish I had the words that would bring relief to you, to provide you some soothing. Please know that I'm thinking about you, and I'm hoping the best for you.
    I will make two minor comments. First, I think it's great that you are exploring meditation, Qigong, and breathing techniques. I understand that they are not bringing you much relief. But they do offer all of us a chance to focus our attention, which can lead to some positive outcome. Second, I'm glad to hear that you have enough perspective, through all of your depression, to know that committing suicide is a cruel act to those around us. I certainly understand why you consider it an option, and I hope you continue to rule it out, even through all your suffering.
    An_267737 responded:
    It's almost 2 AM, this is the first time I've been to this site or posted anything here but I AM HERE, reading YOUR POST. I feel SO BAD for you and wish there was something I could do or say to help you and make you feel like you're NOT a burden or worthless. You are NOT ALONE. I just found this site tonight and have been reading a lot of post including yours and I am finding out that what I feel isn't something that only I feel. So much of what I've read describes EXACTLY how I feel. I've experienced my share of losing loved ones and have some of the mental & physical aches and pains. Unfortunately, I think the medical community is so overwhelmed with trying to help so many people with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Insurance stinks too! Getting help is too expensive for most of us, making it almost impossible to afford to get any kind of help that REALLY WORKS. The doctors have their hands tied because of the people that DO abuse, overdose and then sue/prosecute them so they are finding it almost impossible to prescribe the drugs that DO work for some of us. At least that's what I'm finding out in my case & it's frustrating! Breathing & stress relieving exercises have been of no help to me. Sorry, but I can't find much to be grateful for at this moment, the beginning, of what little treatment I have received so far that I can afford to get. I hope and pray that you can find some comfort by just reading and seeing some of what you're experiencing in what others are posting and going through. Reply and post more to vent some of the pain, loneliness and frustration you are feeling. We ARE reading, relating, sympathizing and caring for YOU and others. Please try to take things moment to moment and day by day. Look around and try to acknowledge every little thing that is around you, no matter how small, that is good. Also the things that you DO have and are able to do that others don't have or can't do. The more I pay attention the more I realize that there are so many good things in life, no matter how small, worth living for and that there are so many people that DO CARE and people who have it A LOT worse than me. I guess I HAVE found several things to be grateful for after all! Take Care.
    An_267766 responded:
    First, know you aren't alone -- there are many of us suffering depression, anxiety, awaking with panic and fearful thoughts and spinning mind, and finding no real "solutions" from psych consults, etc.
    One important thing (for everyone) is sufficient SLEEP.
    An Rx med (for depression/anxiety) that has helped me -- ask your doctor about Mirtazapine --taken an hour before bedtime, seems to help with staying asleep and less waking/worrying/panic in the middle of the night. As with most meds, may need to try graduating strengths to find what might work.

    Just a thought... you could consider becoming a part-time volunteer at a nonprofit organization somewhere nearby, whether helping elderly, needy kids, animal shelter rescues, whatever might be of some interest. This can help take your mind off your own troubles, focus on something other than yourself at least for some hours, and give you a sense of purpose. That is one of the few things that distracts me, makes me feel better, and knowing that I'm contributing something to society.

    Good post from An_267737 below.

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