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    Dr G:
    avatar
    monkeybee posted:
    I'm not sure if I am thinking rationally or losing my mind. I have a significant amount of stress as my husband is planning to divorce me and his grandfather (who I was also close to) passed away this weekend. I have also not taken clozapine for a few days. I didn't get my blood work done on time. I am afraid to call my own doctor because I am afraid if I am losing it and my records are subpoenaed in court they will deem me unfit for custody of my children. I have written this over the last couple of days. I am fine if I am moderately manic, that I can handle, but if I am losing my mind, I cannot take it.

    I have run out of my clozapine several days ago. I'm sitting here basking in anxiety, borderline panicked, contemplating showering but aware that this day could possibly become very bizarre if I do shower. I feel like I have a spirit with me. And I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7. So, either this presence is an angel that has come to be with me and guide me and whose presence is overwhelming me, or it is a spirit of fear straight from the devil. Either way, it feels like a shower is the only resolution. A shower to be covered by healing waters, to be rescued by the Lord from this burden. I feel like I could vomit this away. I am knee deep in the word of God from Scriptures I know from memory and in lyrics to the music I am carrying to worship God. I just need to become worship. I have shackles on my hands and scales on my eyes. I just want normalcy. I need very much to sleep as I know that my situation could quickly go downhill but, at the same time, I feel like who would want to pass on the ecstasy that is likely just around the corner? How could so much turmoil be placed on a person with an ever present mental illness? I feel like I am becoming one with the Lord, or at least with his message. "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" 1 Corinthians 15:55.


    As I am listening to an artist named Rita Springer, I heard Janis Joplin sing. Janis Joplin is long deceased. I have the same song on loop. I know it is making things worse but I have SO MUCH ANXIETY about turning it off. I keep restarting it before it ends because I feel like something bad will happen if the song ends on its own.


    I have no idea what time I went to sleep last night. I was still awake when my husband came in from work around 5:30 this morning, with a racing mind and with the giggles. I was able to nap some this morning though. This afternoon I went for blood work so I can get my needed clozapine. I blared Janis Joplin, especially the song Move Over, and at one point, accidentally drove 25 miles above the speed limit. I caught myself and got out of the fast lane but I was still unreasonably into the music, with the giggles again. Last night I was seeing shadows in my home. I feel excited right now. I am elated and feel like I am above all of you.
     
    avatar
    monkeybee responded:
    Well...that was an interesting post. I'm sure you had no idea what I was asking or explaining for that matter. I would try to clarify but that would be equally unreasonable.
    The Clozapine settled me for the most part but I am still stuck in an altered reality. I'm not certain if the spirits around me are really spirits or if their prescence is part of a delusion. I am also having both visual and auditory hallucinations. For the most part I recognize them as hallucinations but they still disturb me. I saw a wicked hand reach out to grab me and I was very unsettled. I am afraid.
    My doctor has altered my diagnosis from Bipolar I to schizoaffective disorder. I am not sure when he made the change but he told me about it when he urged me to apply for disabilty.
    So, what I *think* I was aiming at in the midst of my initial chaotic thread, and what I am still seeking, is information about custody. My own doctor has explained that since my husband has left me in complete care of my children even when I have been most unwell that the courts will not consider my illness any differently than any other illness. He also explained that if my records are subpeoned he will fight them. Does that sound realistic to you? Also, if I am out of touch (I am grounded now but still have significant anxiety) at the time of trial and am overtly manic, will it alter the course of the custody arrangements? I am terrified that I will lose my babies and my husband has made idle threats about it. Do you know much on this topic?
     
    avatar
    Joseph F Goldberg, MD replied to monkeybee's response:
    Dear Sarah, I'm no lawyer but the information your doctor is giving you sounds entirely accurate to me. I also think that to the extent courts are interested in either physical or mental illnesses as impacting custody decisions, they put more weight on whether someone is adherent to their treatment, sees a need for treatment, and reliably takes care of themself from a treatment standpoint -- more importantly than what someone's specific symptoms actually may be. Sounds like you are in good hands with your doctor.

    Dr G.


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