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    Lost my twins at 5 months
    tia808 posted:
    I lost my twins about a month ago. I was 5 months pregnant. We went to the ultrasound thinking everything was fine, after all it had only been 3 weeks since our last visit and everything seemed normal. It was surreal to have the doctor say "Baby A"doesn't have a heart beat. She was so matter a fact about it and then didn't say anything about the second baby until we asked. Baby B had a heart beat but it wasn't strong. The next day I went for another ultrasound and Baby B had died as well. I hate that I know the day that one of my babies died. I delivered the babies two days later like my doctor suggested. The most painful thing was having to go through labor knowing that dead babies were going to come out. I have a three year old right now and I remember the excitement and joy in the labor room. This was so different. What I remember most is the silence. It was so quite all the time, no monitor beeping, no family chatting, no discussing how nervous we were, just quiet. Even when I was delivering and crying and yelling because of the pain it was quiet. And when it was over my boyfriend and I just sat in silence. We got to see our boys and hold then for a while which I will always be greatful I had a chance to do but what do you say. We just sat in silence. Since this personal tradgey a lot of people have come up to me to say "I had a miscarrige once, I know how you feel" I appreciate when people try to share but I just want to say back "no, no you don't understand. You don't understand what it feels like to feel two babies just slide out of you in, you dont know what that silence is like. I wish I could say that life is getting better with time but it si not. Do I get up in the morning and go to work and make it appear that everything is ok? Yes. Do I take care of my son and my boyfriend and assure them that everything is ok? Yes. But it is not. I am sad all the time. I find that I don't do things because I want to, things only get done because I have to do them. I am swallowed up by sadness and don't know how to make it better.
    teacherbeck responded:
    I am so sorry for your loss (((((hugs))))). I understand your feelings and it is normal to still be quite sad. That being said, please know its also OK to talk to someone about this (like a pastor or a counselor), although I agree its really really hard to share with someone who hasn't "been there;" it's just almost impossible for them to understand if they haven't lost a child.
    I wanted to share my story with you... My husband and I tried for a year to get pg and we finally were in April of '09. My pregnancy was going wonderfully and at the 16 wk appt we heard his HB again and the next week I got my bloodwork that showed everything was great.
    I had an u/s scheduled for 20 wks; a few days before I had a weird cramp but I passed it off as a pregnancy pain. We went to the u/s with a roomful of friends & family to find out the sex, and instead we found out he had died. I was numb and in shock and, like you, had to go thru delivery. I can't even put into words how painful it was to be going thru my first birth knowing my baby was already gone. Part of my just wanted to die or go into a coma until I could deal with it, you know?

    ((((hugs)))) Sadly, there are several of us on here who have had 2nd or even 3rd trimester losses and gone through the sadness and pain of a stillbirth. Its all just so sad and overwhelming.
    It is normal to be sad right now. I think for the first month I cried every day, then it got to crying a few days a week, and even now ( a year & a half later) still have that ache and miss him terribly. BUT I will tell you it does get bearable. I am so sorry, you are in the worst part. For me until after the due date was so so hard. I really thought I could just lose my mind at times! But just keep loving your family and give yourself time & permission to grieve over your precious little ones. Take time off work if you can, or do something to remember your LOs (little ones). I bought a pretty white box and had his name engraved on it and put all my u/s pics, sympathy cards, and a few keepsake bibs and items we'd bought for him in there. It's nice to have something tangible to say he IS a part of my family and he will always be my son, even if I didn't have the honor of raising him.
    Again, (((hugs))). Take it one day, or one minute, at a time. It really will get bearable, I promise.
    Gonnamissmyson responded:
    [TRIGGER] I am very sorry for your loss. I think the way you are feeling is totally normal.

    TRIGS: I also went thru a loss with my son, I was 25 weeks. I was just going in for an ultrasound to find out the sex, which I was SOOO excited for and was hoping/praying for a BOY, which the Dr told me YES ITS A BOY, but then he was done looking at the baby, he said "There are a few issues we need to talk about" He had a Encephalocele, his spine didnt fully grow so there was a huge gap from the back of his head down to the upper part of his back, he also had a hole in his diagphragm. Its so tough, to this day it still haunts me when I think about the day I had to give birth to him. Like your experience it was quiet, no excitement like the time before. No heart beat monitor, nothing. I can still remember feeling him coming out, to this day I swear I felt him die inside me. When I was yelling that he was coming out, I felt like pushing, andI felt him moving.. When he came out he was dead. I know during the canal he was still alive, and I felt it. And that hurts me the most. Its been over a year now. But know after all of this and how hard it was, it gets better. I know thats seems impossible right now but it will. You will never ever forget this experience or your sons but one day you will be able to be at peace with what happened. For so long it was the "what ifs" that killed me.. All the questions and doubts. I also for my son made a keep sake box that has his blanket he was first put in, a locket that was give to me and just a few other things. We also buried him in the cemetary when his gpa is buried so we have a place to visit him. It takes time to mourn. Just stay strong for your son and this will pass.

    Star 25, DD 2rs old, 11-25-08 DS RIP 07-31-09
    shellhisto replied to Gonnamissmyson's response:
    I am feel just like you! My little Elsie dies at only 21 weeks 3 days. My husband and I were hoping she could push through to 24 plus weeks where they could take her out but she did not make it. I also have to deliver her and to my horror my placenta would not come out. It stayed inside of me for 4 more days. I thought the experience would never end that I was some sort of freak of nature. As the other responses I did put together a keep sake box to that has a picture of her foot. We have not looked at it yet but some day when we have a living baby maybe we will have the strength. I also got quite upset when other women said they had a miscarriage at 5 or 9 or 11 weeks. I think back and it would still have been devasating however when you have a deliver a 1 pound dead baby it is a whole other experience. I understand where you are coming from. Please do not let your grief turn into depression as it was done for me. Try to get some counseling. I wish I had done so earlier.......
    hurtninside replied to Gonnamissmyson's response:

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