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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    Still Drinking......
    GuardSquealer posted:
    Well my wife still likes to drink a little too much. I have talked to her about it. And she doesn't think it is a problem, but sometimes she just over does it a little too much.

    Saturday she had invited her brother and sister and their spouses to go boating with us. The brothers sister couldn't make it. So the five of us went out and had a great time. Was like a bunch of kids out playing on the water. The three siblings all talked about how horrible their childhood was, which it was pretty bad. And they all drank quite a bit. The two sisters did the most drinking though.

    By the time everyone left the house around 7:30 pm my wife was toasted. She went to take a shower and then straight to bed. Never ate dinner or anything. I spent the evening alone on the couch watching TV.

    And then today I came to work to get in 16 hours of overtime.
    3point14 responded:
    What are you going to DO about it, though? If she doesn't think it's a problem you're going to have a harder time getting her to do anything about it.

    I'm sorry you're still going through this.
    kristinmarie722 responded:
    Is she drinking this much all the time and then just going to bed?

    I know you have had issues in the past, but to me, it sounds like it was a fun day; kind of meant for drinking and partying and letting loose and that is exactly what she did.
    tmlmtlrl replied to kristinmarie722's response:
    I was thinking the same thing. It seems like it was a proper time for her to let loose with family. She could have been more responsible about things like her limit and eating food. Did you try to get her to eat something?

    How has she been doing with the day to day drinking?
    Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
    3point14 replied to kristinmarie722's response:
    Can someone with alcohol dependancy even have a party day with booze though? I'm not trying to be snarky, just legitimately curious.

    Heh, that's why I stopped attending AA, I felt pressure to stop drinking and not moderate it, and because I felt like my problem wasn't that severe, I had no desire to cease completely.

    If her problems with alcohol are as severe as Guard feels they are, doesn't that limit what she can do in a situation like that?

    Again, not trying to be contrary, I just honestly don't know.
    tmlmtlrl replied to 3point14's response:
    Well I agree and took that into consideration. The problem though is that SHE doesn't feel there is a problem (well to my knowledge).

    For me it was more of weighing out the bad from the possibly worse.I have a history (and present) of picking men with alcohol dependency, so I'm good at that! Honestly my first thoughts were those of the enabling sort, like did he try to get her to eat food? But I knew that was way off course!
    Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
    kristinmarie722 responded:
    Sounds to me like they had a great time on the boat and the drinking was okay; until it was bed time and the wife just passed out and left Guard up by himself on a Saturday night.

    I know Guard has concerns about his wife's drinking, but if I remember correctly she thinks she is fine. While I dont think he can discourage them from doing any fun activity that may result in drinking; such as boating, I am going to assume he knew that she probably would have a few drinks when they made the plan to go boating.

    With ex SO (my son's dad) I hated it when he got drunk. BUT the rare time that I was able to go out with him and get drunk too and FINALLY have some fun- it wasnt so much a problem.
    GuardSquealer responded:
    Yes I could start drinking more so it wouldn't bother me so much when she is wasted. But I really don't enjoy drinking that much. Especially the next day. There is a lot more work that has to get done around the farm, that I have to do each day.

    And I wouldn't mind it so much if it was just a few drinks. But the getting totally wasted is beyond me. We went out on the boat again yesterday, and I didn't realize how much she had to drink once again, until we were leaving. I was loading up the boat and she disappearred. She had went up the hill to take the dog for a walk, but she didn't tell me where she was going. And then when everything was ready to go, I couldn't find her. So I was going to drive to the top parking area to see if that was where she was. About then my buddy thought he heard her, so I stopped. And she came walking up. But she was in the middle of the road and a truck coming the other was almost ran her over.

    On the way home she didn't talk much and once again headed to bed early.

    I love the boat and have a lot of fun, but I don't need it as a reason for my wife to get drunk. I thought It would bring us together.. Seems to be pushing us further apart.
    tmlmtlrl replied to GuardSquealer's response:
    Have you talked to her about drinking less? Let her know the drinking doesn't bother you so much as the getting wasted. Ask her if she realizes the point that one becomes the other. See if you guys can have an adventure where she doesn't have to cross that line. And let her know it's not about you dictating what she's doing, that you don't really realize until she is toasted (so she's not thinking you're watching her like a hawk, judging her every move).

    I guess the point would be for her to pay more attention to how much she's having. That at a certain point she should slow down, take a break, maybe get some food (ie. maintain a good buzz). This could also help her to become self aware if it is a problem for her.

    Maybe also bring less booze out on the boat. Buy smaller bottles. Bring more food.

    Somehow there needs to be a conversation that she doesn't take offense to before things get worse. You're definitely at a point that communication needs to happen. No need for you two to continue drifting apart.
    Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
    GuardSquealer replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
    I guess I meet you definition of Insanity. lol

    Generally I am getting everything ready and she packs the lunch and her drinks. I bring a cooler of water and other drinks. And I sometimes put 2 beers in there in case I am feeling like a drink. She puts her drink in the food cooler. I don't really think about it in the morning, I just figure it out later in the day.

    At this point I guess I just have to live with it.

    Like the Willie Nelson song says " there's more old drunks than there are old doctors, so I guess we better have another round."

    Maybe I will start drinking more when we both retire and I don't have the farm anymore.
    tmlmtlrl replied to GuardSquealer's response:
    Wow Guard, I expected more from you. That was very passive and disengaged.

    IMO the ol "if you can't beat em, join em" slogan doesn't quite fit here... but I'm not the one that has to live your life.

    I wish you luck
    Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
    3point14 replied to GuardSquealer's response:
    Why not just say to her "I bought this boat for us to be closer, but it's making me feel further away from you because of your drinking"? At least try to start a dialogue.

    Or, I mean, you always have the option of making jokes about drinking with her, ignoring the health/mental health implications of what she's doing to herself, continue to not talk about it, and go to bed alone. Sorry to be harsh, I guess I just don't see the point in venting about things you have no intention of changing and making jokes about it behind your spouses back.

    IF she really does have a dependancy problem with alcohol, making her get less drunk by eating food isn't going to do a thing. IF she really has a chemical issue with booze, waiting for her to have a revelation moment is going to be a long wait when you're not helping the sick, addicted person see what's actually going on.

    Unfortunately, IF she does have a real problem with booze, you are the spouse of an alcoholic. Why are you expecting her to just fix things? Besides the mental implications of addiction, from what you say, she's sauced all the time. I don't know about anyone else here, but when I'm wasted I'm not exactly at my most clearsighted. I'm not necessarily thinking about the nuances of my relationship, or about what I'm doing to my health over the long term. When someone is intoxicated very frequently and you want them not to be, going along with it isn't going to change a damn thing.

    Again, sorry that this is harsh. I just honestly feel bad for your wife. There's obviously something that's making her want to get obliterated all the time, and I can speak from experience when I say that's a really, really lonely place to be. I hope the both of you can find some peace with this, however that may be.
    GuardSquealer replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
    I guess I am a little passive. And maybe I am disengaged in too many ways.

    Looking back I am not sure when her alcohol problems started. I know she hated her life as a child and teen and was very rebelious. She partied a lot in high school. Probably wasn't the kind of girl I would have dated. Also has told me she was sexually abused by one of her brothers.

    Then got married at 18, and they partied alot. He would often be abusive when he was drinking. They divorced after a few years.

    She was wild for a while after her divorce and we started dating some where in there. We partied some to. At first I really was just after some sex. Didn't think I would stay around. Some where in there I fell in love.

    I never was a big drinker so I could go out and still come home pretty sober. But she would go to some friends and come home sloshed and would start trying to pick a fight with me. I wouldn't go for it though. Maybe that is what went on with her first husband. Finally I threatened to leave if she continued so she stopped.

    Then the years with my mother.
    GuardSquealer replied to GuardSquealer's response:
    She started back drinking then more to escape my mother. Would just be a glass of wine in the evening. And her friends at work started a wine club. They would meet once a month at someones house and tasted wines.

    Some where along the line she discovered her favorite drink. And now she seems to always have a glass in her hands on the weekends.

    Maybe I should stay home more to watch what is going on. I do the things I do to provide money for everything we and my daughter do. And some where along the line I have drifted off.
    GuardSquealer replied to GuardSquealer's response:
    So at this point I am a little confused about my own situation. We have a great life together, seldom argue about anything. We both have decent jobs and seem to be doing ok. We have a wonderful daughter that I am very proud of.

    I just can't figure out how to address the drinking. I have asked her if she felt it was a problem and she says it is not. I have pointed out some issues and she says that aren't really issues. Suddenly I have become more mature and realized we are more than half way towards retirement. So I have started on getting things ready for that.

    Generally I can deal with her drinking and can have fun when she is drinking. As I previously mentioned she has somethings in her past she might just be drinking to forget about.

    The boat is in tennessee being restored so it should be a good year for going out on the boat.

    My main concern I suppose is her health. I hate to be working hard towards retirement and then her not make it there with me.

    But I am still over weight so I suppose I could not make it there too.

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