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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    Is my marriage over or do you think I am still in????
    Ferry_j posted:
    I am in early 40s and married. We got 3 boys 6,14 and 15. about 5 and half years ago I got a job offer abroad and moved with my 3 boys. My husband was suppose to join us in 3 months once he find out that we like our new place. Since then I have been writing him and calling begging him to join us. With the US economy going bad, the house market was not inviting to sell our house or rent it. But the least he could do was just rent it to join us. My husband is not a kind of person who would cheat on me or that sort. (as far as I know) very decent and quite guy. But takes his time to do anything and I believe a combination of all that. I had told my husband about my feeling to have sex and needs. With my International job that I have I get tempted to go out with people and had warned him that he is really risking his marriage. Most of the time, he doesn't even respond to my emails. As for my journey with my 3 boys abroad, It was after 3 years that I have decide to date someone who was very close to me who cared and loved me and my kids. I was careful for my kids to know him as a close friend but nothing more. After 5 years now my husband came to visit us. I have asked him several times that we need to sit and talk because I was not happy about my marriage. He doesn't like to discuss no communication he is just a wall. I managed to have a conversation about my status. Of-course, I had to admit the truth since he had a speculation too. The truth is he left me and my kids for the last 5 and half years. He doesn't support us except clothing for all of us. And that is once in 2 years or 3. Kids miss him soooo much and I do too. He packed and left us without good bye and send me text from the airport that he has left. 2 days before his son's birthday and 3 4 days before Christmas. It has been 8 months now. Do you think I am in a marriage or is it over??? Do I have to leave my job and come back home to see the possibilities or just forget him. One thing I consider is my kids and their feeling. As for me, I have had begged enough.. My kids want to come back to the US to finish high school. Should I move them with me to a different state or send them to their father and let me keep my job??? Please help...
    fcl responded:
    I think your marriage was over when your husband didn't follow you abroad. I presume he had agreed to do this and kept finding excuses not to come (please correct me if I'm wrong).

    Why not just divorce him so that you can set up proper visitation, custody and child support? He has just spent 5 1/2 years scot-free of any responsability whatsoever. Don't just forget him - serve him divorce papers. End this cleanly rather than let it drag on. As for your kids feelings, who would they want to live with? At least two of them are old enough for their opinions to be taken into account by a judge.

    Tell me, why are your children so keen on coming back to the US to finish high school after 6 years? They'd be losing all of the friends they've made where you are... Not to mention that the curriculum may be radically different from the one they have now. What is motivating them to do this?

    Have you looked into the possibility of an in-house transfer of your job? Staying or leaving may not be your only options...
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    Ferry_j replied to fcl's response:
    FCL, Thank you. when you have this person that you used to love and cherish so much it is so hard to accept that it is over just like this. I think it is me who is lying to myself. No, you are not wrong. It is just that I am confused because my heart loves him dearly and when I think of the things I went through I am bitter about him. Do I want to divorce him? because of my Catholic belief and second my kids. But do I like the way he treat me? NO. When he left I told him that I am filing for divorce if that is what he wants too..No reply. As for my kids, I send them to an international school here and they are really smart. They stand 1st from their sections. The are extreme readers and play tennis, and guitar. One of the base another one lead guitar. My first one going to 10t grade wants to be illegible for college scholarship. He wants to be there for 10th, 11th, and 12th so that he doesn't miss anything. Beside, he plays basketball and want to be recognized in the US. The curriculum of their school is British and it is even tougher than the US. But, they want to catch up on the curriculum and activities like swimming, base ball, basketball, their guitar lessons... and all. I know what you say about divorcing him. I asked my son if he wants to go to his father, he said I don't care. All I want now is to be in the US so that I can get ready for my future. He said we have lived here without him for 5 years, I don't think it makes any difference any more. I can sense a pain in there but I can't force them to go to him. I am like their friend who they can talk about anything with and share their secrets. That is why I have that mixed feeling of sending them to their Dad or move with them even to a different state for the sake of them. It is a tough call. I don't want to be a reason for any dissatisfaction in their future and they mean so much to me. They are very loving, very descents and knows what they want. Problem is that I never discussed my marriage with any one and it will be a big shock to everyone. They all know him as a nice, quite, handsome carrying husband. No one knows that he doesn't even provide for us. How I wish I know what is in his head. There are always 3 side of a story, mine, his and truth. I want to know his and the truth if I am missing anything. I am a bit invading I guess. I take care of things as a man sometimes. I don't know, may be ... who knows what is it that he hates..... I am still not decided weather to move back or stay where I am without them... putting what I wrote above in to consideration and the closeness i have with the kids, should I take a chance of sending them by themselves? Yes they want me with them but they also understand my job situation and the sacrifice I have to make.....

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