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    This Exchange simulates the original Couples Coping Support Group. It is designed to help persons with concerns in their relationships, family, marriage, seperation, divorce, etc.Offering a wide range of real world, personal experiences, information, knowledge, suggestions, & views from real people.
    In desperate need of advice
    An_249640 posted:
    I found out my husband of 8 years had been cheating by phone records in May of this year. I asked him to move out, we then started counseling to reconcile and he ended affair. Things didn't progress quickly as I had so much anger at his betrayal, I trusted him completely! I went out of state to visit family with our kids dd (2) and ds(4) to get my head straight. When I returned he asked for a divorce because he thought I'd never be able to forgive him and that our relationship would not be healthy as a result. He said he had decided while I was gone and had begun dating real relationship, just rebound, but they had become intimate. We discussed things and decided once again to try to put the marriage back together. He ended things with OW and we went back to counseling. Got screened for all stds after about 6 weeks and we both came back negative for all. Things were beginning to progress in the relationship,we became intimate again and began "dating" through counseling . I found out my husband has likely been suffering from Bipolar 2 and was misdiagnosed as depression. This was a contributing factors to relationship issues leading up to affair. About 6 weeks later, DS had what looked like a pimple on the shaft of his penis. I insisted that he have it checked out. Dr. said probably minor irritation due to allergy, but did swab and blood work for herpes to be sure. Swab was negative, but bloodwork was positive for HSV2! This has been devastating, like reliving the betrayal all over again. We have used protection since reconciling, but condoms are not 100%. DH denies any OW and Dr. says that test may not have picked up on virus at the time we were tested (6 weeks post exposure) some people take up to 12 weeks to develop antibodies. I am awaiting my test results but they have been delayed due to holidays, I will not find out until next week, even if (-) then, I will have to continue to retest at 12-16 weeks. I'm trying to figure out what this means for my marriage. We've both been trying to work through our issues and with his Bipolar it is hard enough. I don't know if he will ever be able to commit completely emotionally to this marriage due to his disorder. He has agreed to try medication again now he is properly diagnosed. If he has passed herpes to me, I will have to deal with a constant reminder of his infidelity and if not, I will have to decide if I am willing to risk my health to continue to work on a marriage with issues that I have little control over due to the unpredictability of his disorder. So stressed and confused! I love my husband and I want my family to be whole again! I don't even know what to think anymore! I haven't told any friends or family as they are very protective of me and most don't understand the nature of Bipolar disorder. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
    tlkittycat1968 responded:
    Unless you and your husband were virgins, it's possible either you or your husband had herpes before you even met. Some people never have symptoms and don't know they have it. If I'm not mistaken, there is no reliable test for men unless they actually are having an outbreak.
    elle0317 replied to tlkittycat1968's response:
    There are reliable blood tests for herpes for men, you are thinking of HPV the virus that causes warts, which does not have testing available. To the OP: what blood test did they use to test your husband? If they used the IGM I would suggest your husband take the blood test again, make sure they use the IGG type specfic test, the IGM is useless and I don't know why Dr's continue to use it. I find it strange that the swab came back negative (if he is indeed positive), how old was the sore when he had it swabbed?
    An_249640 replied to elle0317's response:
    Thank you for the advice. The test that was used was the Elisa Select, which does measure IGG. his result was 9.0 which is no where near the 0.9 cut off for a false positive. I found it odd about the swab too. The sore was only a couple of days old at the time. The GP thinks that the sore was not H, but really was some sort of irritation or allergy, it was just what prompted him to retest, which then produced the positive result. Making my husband an asymptomatic carrier for the time being. I was tempted to request a re-test in hopes of a lab error, but waiting for my re-test results next week first. If my re-test is positive then, there will be no need as he is the only person I've been with and we were both (-) before, he is the only source if I'm infected. If my test is (-) I may request a re-test for him. Just really bad timing as our relationship and his mental health state are both unstable at this time. I would not have issue with the decision to use protection and continue the relationship as it was if I was sure he would be able to commit to long haul, but we just aren't there yet in our reconciliation. That is why this is so difficult. If things don't work out, I could be stuck with the consequences for life, but on the other hand am I willing to place my well-being over the possibility of reuniting our family ( we have young kids) We are just abstaining for the time being until my results are in, then we will decide how to proceed. Just a bad situation and really bad timing!

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