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    Depressed and want out
    beautifulbuffalo posted:
    I have been so depressed for a long time, but it was getting better but it's back in full force. My sleeping medicine serequel isn't working anymore. Last night I took the serequel, then tossed and turned and then took tylenol pm and tossed and turned some more then took benedryl and continued to toss and turn all night. This routine has been going on for weeks. I've had it I just can't cope anymore. I'm so low that I'm thinking about my past abuse as a child and can't find any good to think about. I'm married 30 years this September and wonder if I will make it that long. I don't want to kiss or hug my husband and have no desire to ever have sex again with my husband or anybody else. Everything seems to be coming to an end and I don't know how to pick myself up. All this is coming on at the worst time as my husband is leaving on Monday for a trip to another state and I don't know when he will be back. I will be so alone. I have no friends so I will be free to do what ever comes my way. Maybe being alone will give me the will to say goodbye to all.
    sw3tflower responded:
    I have felt the same way as you. I divorced after 30 years of being married. I have suffered bouts of severe depression/anxiety all my life. I pull through a long depression only to have it come back again.
    After my divorce I suffered from PTSD and terrible anxiety symptoms. I tossed and turned all night, every night, for months. I couldn't stop thinking of the abuse I had gone through and couldn't get it out of my head. I couldn't cope, couldn't make decisions and was overwhelmed emotionally. I felt I had died and had no future. I was put on Effexor and it didn't seem to help.
    The doctors put me on all kinds of sleeping pills and none of them worked.
    What finally pulled me through this last 2 year bout, the worst I have ever had (I got divorced, lost my family, had to sell my home and move out of the city I lived all my life and was alone) was hope.....and my younger daughter.
    I kept reminding myself I had been really depressed/anxious before and had pulled through, and if I just gave it another day I would pull through it again. It kept me going day to day.
    I also knew how much I would hurt my younger daughter. She is the joy of my life, the only reason I found life worth living. I had to keep going, for her.
    Finally, I found a sleeping med that worked. Most of my depression/anxiety symptoms were due to lack of sleep. Without enough sleep we get overwhelmed , can't cope, can't make decisions, can't think of anything happy or good or see a future.
    I know this is not the medical advice usually given, but it worked for me. I am finally getting better.
    Sleep is probably one of the most important problems to work on. Ask your doctor to try you on some different meds that will help you sleep. After 1 night of getting more then 2-3 hours sleep I felt like a new person. Then you will be able to work on the other symptoms you are having.
    Don't say goodbye.....don't ever do something that is final, that you can't go back and change, when you are feeling so depressed. You are not able to think clearly through your pain. Now is not the time to make such a final decision.
    Please, I know.
    Work on getting more sleep. Have your doctor help you.
    I care
    diytestkitsdotcom responded:
    Hi beautifulbuffalo,

    I'm sad that you are getting depressed again. What do you think triggered it this time?

    It seems to me that you and your husband might have lost the companionship and affection that have brought you together all those years ago. You have now been married for 30 years - this is an achievement for married couples. Others don't even reach a decade, these days.

    Holding on to a relationship that does not do any good for both parties might be deemed unhealthy in our modern world, but easily letting go something that had lasted for so long can also be a mistake. Things like this need a very good thinking. While your husband is away, why don't you take this time to do some introspection. Figure things out once and for all.

    Ask yourself questions like: What happened? Why have you grown distant with each other? What kept you together?

    Try to bring back what you had before, all those happy times you have shared in the early days of your relationship. Most of all, try to remember what made you choose him thirty years ago.

    Don't do anything drastic, please! Don't give up! Fight this depression. Not for anyone else but for yourself, fight for your chance to be happy. There is always a reason to be.

    Get better soon!
    beautifulbuffalo replied to diytestkitsdotcom's response:
    Hello, My depression is back because of my lonlyness. I do everything my myself. I get very lonely. Me being abused as a child has brought down my world. I get through it but it never goes away.

    As far as my husband and myself it's all my fault for my feelings. I was abused as a child for 6 years sexually. I tried to get help but nobody believed me so I was on my own. An 8 year old is suppose to have no worries in the world, but I had the world on my shoulders. No matter what I do I never forget this. Now thinking back I don't want to hug my husband or kiss him and especially I don't want to have anything to do with a sexual relationship with him or anybody else. He deserves better.

    I take a lot of medicine. I have a good share of pain medicine and I am suppose to take 1 50mg tablet. Instead I take 5 tablets at a time. My therapist knows this and wants me to bring it in to her so she can dispose of it. I'm also taking weight loss medicine and she wants me to stop that also.

    I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want out of this world.
    rohvannyn replied to beautifulbuffalo's response:
    Weight loss medicine is usually a stimulant and that could be severely messing up your sleep. The other poster is right about sleep too. If you don't get good sleep, your brain will literally not work right or be able to heal itself. Your thinking will completely change and it will be hard to even deal with normal things. The importance of this can't be stressed enough!

    I totally understand how hard it is to be this lonely. The abuse that you suffered alone as a child is horrendous too. But you do have a medical team supporting you, unlike me, so start by talking to them about your sleep problems. I'm harping on this because it may be a new thing to try that will bring you a fresh perspective. In the meantime, moderate exercise to the extent that you are capable will help both your mood and your sleep as well as your weight loss.
    beautifulbuffalo replied to rohvannyn's response:
    My therapist took me off the diet pills. Took me off serequel and put me on Trazadone. Added Lamictal and made me give her my pain pills as I was overdosing on them.

    I still feel lonely and want out of this world. I'm going to start NAMI next Thursday.
    rohvannyn replied to beautifulbuffalo's response:
    Hope you are sleeping better! Maybe something will improve a little bit at least. I care about you and wish you well.
    beautifulbuffalo replied to rohvannyn's response:
    I'm sleeping 4-6 hours. I'm still feeling depressed. My husband left for Montana today. It's our other property. We presently live in Upstate NY. I do miss him already. I feel so lonely. My heart aches, my stomach hurts. I want out of this world so badly. But I can't do it to my family.
    rohvannyn replied to beautifulbuffalo's response:
    Well, at least you are getting a little. I know everything hurts right now. Thank you for not hurting your family by leaving. If they knew, they would thank you too. The only way I've ever found to help depression when it gets really bad is to distract myself so I hope you find some way to feel at least a little better.
    beautifulbuffalo replied to diytestkitsdotcom's response:
    Sorry but there is not more fight. I've given up.
    slindman replied to beautifulbuffalo's response:
    Hang in there. Glad you are looking into NAMI. You are not alone, I have several issues too, but this is about you. Sounds like you are seeing your therapist which is great. Keep talking to the doctors. There is always something else to try. I am on lamictal and trazodone and they are working. Every new combination has hope! When you are not sleeping you are not thinking straight. That is a major thing right now. Lack of sleep can be horrible. I feel like things are fine with your partner, just focus on getting yourself some sleep and get better!
    beautifulbuffalo replied to slindman's response:
    They just put me on these drugs. They haven't kicked in yet. Yes I went to NAMI last night I was not impressed with it, but I'll give it another month. I listened to more people coming for other people then themselves. I was there for myself and nobody talked to me. I know I was new.

    I feel very alone because I keep my feelings and emotions to myself. I see my therapist once a week at 170.00 a pop but it's worth it. And all I have to do is make a phone call and she will get me right in.

    Tell me about yourself.
    beautifulbuffalo replied to beautifulbuffalo's response:
    My new drugs have kicked in not that they did anything. I'm still feeling down and out. I wish I could figure out how to release my emotions. I keep everything in and that is because when I was a child and abuse was happening to me and I tried to tell I was told to shut up or go play. So I have that wall up protecting myself.
    rohvannyn replied to beautifulbuffalo's response:
    Every time you hear that message in your mind, tell yourself, or say out loud "I am not a child anymore. That was then, this is now. I am an adult and I have permission to feel." Or something similar to that. Start by journaling if you have to. These emotions are poison. Just like pus in a wound. You have to let that out.

    Did you know that tears have a biological function? They flush toxins out of your body. If you need a trigger, sometimes a sad book or movie can help. It may sound odd, but really feeling your feelings instead of pushing them away can really help depression.

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