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    life without depression scares me
    subterranian posted:
    I am 58 years old. The only emotion I have ever felt is depression. It is like automatic driving for me. I start at point A and wind up at depression with no memory or awareness of how I got there. I have major episodes every 5 to 7 years, the rest of the time it is just a constant subsurface hum, a membrane that wont let anything else through.

    I have tried therapy several times but it has been unsuccessful. CBT does not work because I am unable to recognize the approach of negative thoughts. Other therapy has been slightly better but I usually quit after 8 - 12 months because of fear.

    Since depression is all I have ever known or felt I am terrified of how totally empty I will truly be when, if, it is ever gone.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    Hi Subterranian and welcome to WebMD,

    I expect you're not alone here in feeling as you do and I'm sure others will be posting with their support. Please keep in mind that, being the weekend, the talk here slows down a bit so you may want to post more during the week if responses are slow to come here.

    It can be hard to let go of something which has become part of our identity, even if it's not in our own best interest. But it is possible to learn other things which can fill you up, a new way to live in the world. And it is never ever too late to heal. (((hugs)))
    miserable_sob responded:
    Subterranian, I'd just like to say you made a cool choice in poster names. I get the drift but still it has a good ring to it. I wouldn't mind not being depressed though. I don't know if it will ever happen in my case. I definitely was less depressed before a head injury came and almost took my life. Life changed after that. I feel like a nobody now, and just want to die already.
    birthisGodsayingyoumatter responded:
    Hello Subterranian,

    I can empathize with you. I am 56 years old and have had the illness of depression since I was in elementary school. I have been in and out of therapy over the years and twice hospitalized with depression and anxiety. I have never attempted suicide, but I do think of it ocassionally. And it scares me! My girlfriend of one year recently broke up with of many relationships that has not worked out.

    My psychiatrist has me on prozac and wellbutrin which helps a bit. But like you it is always with me, simmering below the surface. It hurts so much!

    Without being preachy, the statement "Birth is G-d's way of saying that I matter" (I'm quoting a famous Rabbi I'm quite fond of) has kept me afloat whenever my depression seems too much to bear. I am Jewish and go to synagogue regularly, but that, in and of itself, does not provide me with as much relief as I would like. But it does sooth me a little much of the time.

    There are no easy answers as you know. I guess we all have our demons that are relentless.

    Be well my friend
    sl52 replied to birthisGodsayingyoumatter's response:
    I can relate to you, and others, I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was in elementary school too, I am 58 yrs old. I've been in therapy most of my life, and I also take Prozac.

    I am also of the Jewish faith, but do not attend synagogue, it's good to know that I am not alone with my feelings, and I do agree there are no easy answers.
    runamok76 responded:
    I know what you mean depression has become like a blanky to me, i always have an excuse for not joining the rest of the world. I don't feel good. My bed and my remote have become my best friends. The rest of the world has just become so overwelming for me.
    zephyrjude replied to runamok76's response:
    Welcome Sub...

    I have been in therapy just about. I have had depression longer than that. I have finally figured out that I do have a choice. Sometimes depression comes like gangbusters and that scares me for the future but........... I have spent alot of years being woefully depressed and now I figure that I only have a certain number of years to get done what I want to... or I need to give myself opportunities. I am still talking in therapy but about things that are helping me move forward. I suppose talking through the fear and moving forward. I think that before going forward you need to talk through the fear. Otherwise it will still be there. It is not easy..often difficult. Find a T that you trust and go for it.... You will be glad you did. Best wishes.
    zephyrjude replied to zephyrjude's response:
    PS... I see you are 58... I am heading toward 52 in the fall. So.. time left in life starts becoming something our agegroup starts looking at more and more. As always, I am a late bloomer but bit by bit, chunk by chunk... things are becoming better and becoming a reality. Wish me luck.
    ikikniki replied to miserable_sob's response:
    I've been depressed most of my life. There have been 3 suicides in my family. Besides that, I have had minor head injuries and migraines. I went to an osteopath and had sacral-cranial therapy and it helped a lot. Still have to take meds for depression by the migraines diminished to almost nothing, both in severity and frequency.
    Hypnotherapy also helped a lot and I learned not to identify with the depressed feelings. I may feel bad but the pain is like a stomach ache or some kind of physical pain. I don't engage with it so I don't have suicidal thoughts. I suspect that is what one does with CBT but don't know 'cause I've not needed it.
    The right meds have made all the difference in the world. And it's taken years to figure that out. There is no emptiness when the pain goes away. Happiness and creativity fill that space that has been empty for so long. I had that fear. . what would I be if the depression was gone? What would I have to do? My therapist said being happy is enough. And it is.
    P.S. Today, I'm feeling depressed and anxious as my husband got laid off yesterday for the second time in 2 years. But things will change, as they always do.
    Good luck and keep up the hard work. It's worth it.
    Candee69 responded:
    Bless your heart! I really feel for you. I CAN really relate! I am 54yo and have battled depression since my Mom died in 1966. I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder, Borderline Schizophrenia and Borderline Personality Disorder. That last one always gets to me; I have a great personality when I'm available!

    If depression is all you have ever felt, you are looking at a potentially awesome experience!!! I take a number of meds which are okay(eh)..., but I recently added Abilify to my regimen. It is helping me come out of my shell more and more. You might talk with your doctor about it. You don't say if you take meds or not.

    I'm sorry I'm talking about me so much, but I want you to realize you are not alone. Try not to fear change for change is a journey!!! And you would love it! Also, THINK humor every chance you get!!! Hang in there, sweetie...

    PS Chinese proverb: Fall down 7 times; get up 8. See, you're still ahead!
    subterranian replied to zephyrjude's response:
    Thanks, Zephyr. Your reply was spot on. My therapists seems to be reaching for instant fixes, telling me what they wanted for me and expecting me to get there for them. You are right, I need to talk through the fear. I am going to start looking for another therapist - a talker. Best of luck to you , too.

    Zephyr: a light wind...
    subterranian replied to Candee69's response:
    Candee..thanks for the positive thinking. Proverb made me smile. I am fortunate that I find lots of things in life funny but some times I need a reminder. I don't take meds, too scary for me. I hoard pills. I was always saving them for a future suicide. I finally gave them all to my last therapist to show him how bad things had become and why we needed treatment without drugs.
    I don't even keep advil or tylenol in the house.
    subterranian replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:

    Thanks for the hugs and words of encouragement. Best wishes to you.
    subterranian replied to miserable_sob's response:
    Miserable (and most likely NOT an SOB),

    You are somebody to take the time to answer me. I am sorry about your injury. Sometimes life really sucks, dealing blows when we are already way down. There are mornings when I wake, crying, because I did not die in my sleep. I will stay alive and I would like you to also.
    subterranian replied to birthisGodsayingyoumatter's response:
    Hello and thanks for the reply.

    Are you quoting Rabbi Kushner? I read him quite often when things are going badly. Sometimes just a page or two can help put things in perspective. Problem is, I really need someone like him for my therapist.

    I am Catholic and cannot imagine talking to a priest about this. I have had trouble with the church since the abuse scandals first came to light and think the new Pope needs some lessons in humanism. I am not finding much help there anymore.

    You are entitled to experience joy in your life. I will pray that you do.

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