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    just putting this out there I guess
    An_250109 posted:
    Hi everyone, I just felt like I should talk to a support group. I first noticed feeling depressed when I was 10 years old and at 13 I was thinking about suicide. My sister is my best friend and I knew she'd be devastated if I ever did anything. I was cutting myself at 13 also, til about 16. Now I'm 20 and I thought I was getting better but I've recently been feeling like it's getting worse. I feel hopeless, I have nothing to look forward to. I feel unattractive. I feel apathetic and like I have no reason to be happy. Idk what to do. Nothing makes me happy anymore and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I write my feelings done in a journal on my computer. It really reveals my true feelings that I don't want to tell my family or bf. I can write it all down and put it into words but if they ever read my journal, idk if they'd understand. My journal is great and all, but it doesn't talk back to me. I just want someone to talk to who I won't feel is judging me.
    heycher06 responded:
    I read your post and I just wanted to say someone cares. Is there any way to talk to your sister? Is there a health care facility where you go talk to someone? Don't keep this pain you feel in. I really do know how you feel. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. I know you have heard that before. It is true. Please, tell us how you are doing. We are here for you.
    nimchoo replied to heycher06's response:
    thank you. I could try to talk to her but we don't live in the same town anymore. She's usually working or with her husband so our time to talk is very limited...I just feel so empty.
    GSimp responded:

    I 100% feel your pain. I have been battling with depression on and off since I was 15 or 16, I am now 26 yrs old. I also do not share these thoughts/feelings with my Mom or sisters because I feel like they would be devastated. I really do want to get better and I can tell that you do too, otherwise neither one of us would be here. I would love to continue to chat and speak with you. It's a relief to have someone be there for you. I honestly have never seeked help before because I was too embarrassed, so I decided to try an online support group to remain discreet. Let me know how you're feeling today!
    nimchoo replied to GSimp's response:
    This is my first time joining an online support group. I just got tired of writing my feelings down and not having another person to talk to. I feel better today but it really varies. Somedays I feel fine, and others I feel so awful and empty. Usually, no matter how good I feel, I always end up feeling so much worse towards the end of the day. At night I lie awake and just think. And I cry silently so I won't wake anyone. I think it's better for me to talk to discreet people who can relate to how I feel so I don't feel like such a Debbie Downer to others.
    GSimp responded:
    This is my first time as well. I actually had an extremely rough day yesterday, where I was just super sad and felt alone and when my boyfriend wanted to hangout with his friends for a while and I exploded with anger over something entirely petty. That only made my depression worst because he was disappointed in me so I've spent all day just trying to prove to him that I can get better. I'm pretty sure our relationship is over even though I really don't want it to be. He was the only person I ever reached out to with my problems and I feel like he was over burdened. I needed this online support group months ago. Most of my depression is relationship related and scared of being alone.

    Is there a general situation in your life that seems to bring you down? Like school, work, friends, sexuality, etc?
    lissmeanstrouble replied to GSimp's response:
    Hey Gsimp you sound alot like I did when I first started here.
    If you want feel free to search the archives of my posts, and see if you can relate to any of my writings.
    I feel like this support group helped me ALOT through self realization, and outside point of views to help me think through what was going on with me.
    I used to get into bad relationship after bad relationship.
    In fact... right now I am having troubles with my fiance. He is a good man, we have a good relationship, he is just ten years older then me, and maybe doesnt have as much of a sex drive as Im used to in men my age....
    My ex boyfriend was a heroin user, and amidst being sex deprived and feeling depressed I somehow ended up talking to my ex about going out, and getting drunk, and being crazy, because me and my fiance got into a fight and it was such a upsetting fight it made me feel a little crazy. And my ex being the loser he is started trying to talk me into sleeping with him, I am so very glad I stopped talking to him, instead of going to his house, because I was very tempted. I have never been tempted to cheat ever before, so this makes me wonder about myself.
    But I KNOW I have a PROBLEM with choosing BAD relationships, contrary to the fact I knew I shouldnt be with those guys cause they were bad news I went with them anyways...
    You know what GSimp Im sorry I kind of got lost talking about myself and dont remember where I was going with that. But I feel your pain, I probably am not best to give advice right now, trust me I tried just now and ended up raving about myself, Im sorry. Ill keep in touch with you tho because Im hoping you and your boyfriend can work things out cause he sounds like he cares.
    prophetess1987 responded:
    it is a great step, you coming onto the community boards and seeking peers to listen and understand. these communities are great for it. i have a similar story to yours, and was forced into therapy around the age of 15/16, and at the time i felt like my world was ending and i wouldn't open up to my therapist (apparently i even told her not to try cuz i wouldn't open up); but looking back, seeing someone professional to talk to was the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I was lucky in that i was placed with someone that was young, also female, and new to the profession, it seemed to work with my personality and situation.

    my point: my first step was joining webmd and the self harm community, and i had such profound support there. that, coupled with the therapy truly helped. and while i am back again, and dealing with new circumstances but similar effects, i know there is a way to be happier and healthier. and while at the moment that's hard for even me to believe, my past history gives me a glimmer of hope and i hope it brings some hope to you as well.

    welcome, and know that you won't be judged and will be heard.
    nimchoo replied to GSimp's response:
    It's everything really. I'm currently not in school, I had to take the semester off because I couldn't pay for my classes and I know school is so important to my mom and I feel like I'm disappointing her. I don't even have a job, I keep looking and find nothing. When I thought I found one, it ended up being a scam. I live with my bf and his parents so he's the only friend I have in this new town. And last week we hit a rough patch. I love him, he's everything to me, my other half exactly, and he's so good to me.

    The day I met him my intuition told me we'd get married. But I found out that he'd been keeping secrets from me since we met. He slept with some girl before we started dating and that's not what bugs me. It's that I saw her before and I felt like they were too close to be just friends. I asked him after we met if he had slept with her and he said no. After a few months he told me he slept with someone once (before we were together) but didn't say her name. Last week I saw her on his fb and asked again if it was her. He finally admitted it.And then he admitted it was more than once. But claimed it meant nothing and he was just a college kid trying to get laid...

    Then a few days later I found fb messages (from before we were together) saying "I love you", "I miss you", "baby"...about how they went to harvard square together (where he frequently took me) and I was devastated. The whole time that I was waiting on him to decide if he wanted to date me, crying myself to sleep for months, he was out with her. And it feels like he couldn't decide if he liked her more than me. Now I know he doesn't care about her (at least, not anymore) but it still hurts to remember those nights, crying, and now knowing where he was and what he was doing. I know he feels awful and didn't tell me so I wouldn't get hurt, and I forgive him. But I will never forget.
    nimchoo replied to prophetess1987's response:
    Thank you, I'm already feeling like this was a good step. It's so much different to have my feelings heard and responded to. I'd like to talk to a therapist but I want to tell my doctor first. And yes, I know I can be happy. I rarely felt depressed after I was 18 but not so much anymore. As you said, we're dealing with new circumstances, and I have hope that talking to people for the first time ever will help me. I had a tougher time when I was younger because I never told anyone. But now I feel confident that I will not be judged and this is a step in the right direction.
    UnSeen responded:
    I can sympathize. I've been hiding my depression for years and in all honestly haven't bothered talking to any one because I never felt there was much of a point. Any time I have tried telling someone how I feel I am told it's my fault, or that I brought it all on myself. Just know that there are people out there who care, and no one but you are in control of your feelings. You own them and no one can take them away. It's okay to feel how ever it is you're feeling.
    nimchoo replied to UnSeen's response:
    I've been doing okay for a few days, but today I feel much worse. I feel like my life amounts to nothing. I still don't have a job and since I had to take the semester off, I feel like I'm doing nothing with my life. I feel as though I'll never finish college. What do I amount to? I feel worthless. I feel like everyone around me thinks I'm a loser, doing nothing all day. Today, I felt like my future mother-in-law resented me. Like she thinks I'm a failure and she and her husband regret letting me live with them. Sometimes I feel like they only want me here so I can do the dishes or clean. I'm basically their maid and if I wasn't cleaning then what good am I to them? And my sister misses me. And I miss her too. I have 2 friends here and I don't talk to them about how I feel. I just feel so empty.
    itmatsb responded:
    I quickly read through the answers to your posting and didn't see anyone talking about you getting treated with medication, unless I missed it. It sounds like you have severe depression which most likely needs an anti-depressant. Depression causes a chemical imbalance which needs treatment the same way a diabetic needs insulin. You need to go to a doctor to get the medication right away. And if you can get counseling that would help too. Don't judge yourself for your feelings. That is part of the depression and is not your fault. Please get help.
    nimchoo replied to itmatsb's response:
    No, I'm not on any medication. I always thought people would be disappointed in me for having depression so I never told my doctor how I was feeling. Next time I'll ask for therapy or medication. I can't take it anymore, I hate feeling like I hate myself and I'm worthless.
    nimchoo replied to nimchoo's response:
    Lately I've noticed that I'm losing a lot of weight. It took me years to get to a healthy weight (previous eating disorder) and now I'm losing it again. I think it's the pressure and depression. I was happy with my weight but then my bf and his family said I should go to the gym. Their culture praises thinness and my culture praises curviness. It took me a long time to have a weight that was approved by my family and now I have to assimilate to theirs? Also, I feel like because I don't go to school and don't have a job, I'm a burden. I live here rent free and I'm not their daughter. I feel like I've been eating less (about one meal a day or maybe just 2 snacks a day) because I don't want them to think they have to feed me. I don't want them to think I'm eating their food and living here rent free. Hopefully I'll find a job and I'll buy my own groceries so I won't feel like I'm an unwanted leech. My previous weight of 120 made me feel confident and attractive, now I'm around 110, maybe less and I feel awful. I just want to feel confident again.

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