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    Having a hard time
    jaws82 posted:
    I havent told anyone about what I am sharing with you. I have neuropathy in my feet and have feeling shameful and depressed about starting to cut me feet to help relieve some "pain". Both my feet are numb so it dosent hurt and havent done cutting back in high school where I was being mercifullly bullied. I dont know of anyone that as cut themselves. Does anyone have any experience or known someone that has done this? I feel very ashamed of myself.
    lissmeanstrouble responded:
    Hey Jaws, I used to cut myself in high school. I still have scars on my forearm and on my calf of my leg from it. They were very deep, what I would do, was get a pair of scissors, and rub the skin until I dug a deep hole, and the reason I think I did this was because I was so depressed and felt so worthless and didnt know anything about depression or why I felt that way, I just thought my mom was right and that I did deserve to die, and that I was a fat ugly girl, and that I was stupid, etc....
    Now that I am older, and have gained help, I cant understand what was going through my head, I have not ever thought of doing that to myself again, but the scars are always there to remind me of how bad my mother hurt me emotionally....
    I felt really ashamed myself and never admitted thats where the scars came from til years later.

    When I was doing it, people started noticing it, I became afraid some one would admit me to a psych ward, so I talked to some school friends about it, and eventually was able to stop on my own...
    jaws82 replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
    Thank you so much lisa. Unfortunately, I have too much medical knowledge and anatomy to know where the arteries and veins are. I was ashamed of being bullied and in my high school we had coiled radiators in each class and if I did poorly or felt ashamed I felt I was being bad I would hold my arm on the radiator and caused a very small burn. I "punished" myself.Its amazing what stay in your mind all these years.
    nimchoo replied to jaws82's response:
    I too used to cut myself in high school. I felt like such an outsider. I felt alone. I used to drag my arm across a fence with barbed wire. And at night when I couldn't sleep I used to go to the bathroom and use a razor blade. But I never dug deep enough, I didn't want everyone to notice so they would be light cuts on the side of my arm where no one would notice. Sometimes when I feel really depressed and I'm crying myself to sleep, I have thoughts to go grab a knife and head to the bathroom again. But I don't because I know I'd just be disappointing everyone again.
    jaws82 replied to nimchoo's response:
    I always made excuses when I started cutting myself. Its as if one single cut could peel off one "layer" of depression. I dont know if that made sense- I just wanted to be in control one layer of my life. ("THATS MY CUT) Im probably not making any sense, but thats how I understand it.
    lissmeanstrouble replied to jaws82's response:
    Its hard for an instinctual cutter to understand why they do it. the first time I did it I was on the phone with a friend telling him about the things my mom said that hurt me. I would always lock myself in the bathroom and call him and sit on the floor with my mom pounding on the door, using my scissors to carve into my arm, only I never felt it.

    she never pounded on the door cause she was worried about me, she pounded on the door to bother me, she never knew when to back off, obviously.

    I think its because I felt numb in my body, and I hurt so bad inside it made me feel better so have an injury to show for the pain that I felt....
    if I ever did that again I couldnt stand the pain, but back then it was as if I couldnt even feel it.
    jaws82 replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
    We are in the same boat- we cut ourselves to help cope with our problems. For me it made me "feel' better. This crooked, twisted thinking was my best friend. Im not rying.making this up. C
    kaykillen responded:
    my friends would ask me "does that solve your problem?"
    of course it doesnt but no matter how hard i explained to the that it made feel better they'll never understand.
    it's so hard to live with the heavy feeling on the inside
    jaws82 replied to kaykillen's response:
    It doesnt solve my problem, but it does help ease pain and gain some sense of control at that time.
    alaska_mommy responded:
    Jaws, cutting is something many people do to cope with their intense mental/emotional pain. You shouldn't feel so alone in it, there are obviously people who understand you and know just what you mean when you talk about it. I'm sorry you are feeling like you need to do it though.
    I only had one experience trying to cut myself and it was while I was going through withdrawals from Pristiq. I felt extremely numb emotionally during that time and felt that if I could inflict some pain, I might "feel" something. Emotionally, I guess. Although I am a wuss when it comes to pain so I never broke the skin. I tried a couple different knives thinking if it was sharper it might not hurt as much making the cut. I told my husband about it later and felt deeply ashamed. I know that's not the same kind of experience as people who do cutting regularly, but I guess it gave me a tiny glimpse into why some people might do it.

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