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    Worried for my wife
    An_200938 posted:
    I can't sleep.
    I came back from putting our baby to sleep, and came into the dining room to find out that my plate was half eaten, and my wife's empty.
    She wasn't anywhere to be seen.
    I opened the bathroom door, and there she was sleeping on the floor with her underwear off. There was vomit in the faucet. Her belly was swollen.
    I tried to help her up, she was in some kind of daze. I know she hasn't taken any drugs, nor is she into that stuff. She vomited on the carpets, and it was the contents of my plate. It's the second time I see this.
    I know my wife used to have eating disorder, and she told me that was over. Still she doesn't eat during the day except in the evening. In the evening she consumes twice as much food as I do. I told her to take a breakfast and lunch everyday in order to avoid this, but she always tells me how busy she is at work and how nobody eats lunch, etc... it's BS, she knows it, and I told her so.
    Also, she's always angry... sometimes I try to crack a joke or tease her, and it turns into an inane verbal argument, which in turn becomes binge eating, and then she locks herself up in the bathroom. She comes outta there looking all strung up and calls me to bed like nothing happened.
    I don't know how to help my wife... I love her to death, but I don't know how to stop her from hurting herself and from hating herself... she's not suicidal, but this is rather miserable, especially since we have a 20 month old. I don't want the kid to ever see her mom in that state. When I broach the subject, my wife says it's because of her parents... or because she feels like a failure, she hates her job, her character, etc... basically stuff you can move on from. Which pretty much leaves me, or our baby as the cause. The thought makes me restless.
    I'm reaching out for help. I want to know how I can help my wife. I'm going to fight this f**ked up cancer in our lives with everything I've got, but I need to know how. Any advice would be much appreciated.
    Thank you.
    Oopsla responded:

    1. Have you and her considered therapy, nutritionist and or talking to the family doctor?

    2. No jokes or wise cracks. I do not care how innocent you think they are they hurt us to the core. We suffer from esteem and image issues. It will only build a barrier between you and her and this resentment will NOT be easily (if ever) forgotten. You need to be on her side.

    3. She sounds like she is caught up in the big lies of an eating disorder. It is difficult a balance between telling and inspiring her on how to get better. Telling her will do no good. In one ear and out the other. Inspire her to realize that she is better then she thinks she is. She rates herself and her life very low. You need to remind her of all of the positives. And the good you see in her.

    4. Realize the problem is not with the eating disorder it is the hurt within your wife. If it was not E. D. it could be drugs, booze, or other that would take her away from the world of hurt she is in. I suggest therapy if at all possible.

    Your wife needs to rebuild her belief in herself. How she does that is not from people telling her what to do or making snide comments. It is with loving your wife as she is, as the vows say, "in sickness and health". Build it from there. If she cannot trust you or what come out of your mouth you will be helpless to help her. Understand also that some battles need to be fought by her.

    I personally find that you can beat the disorder but your esteem will be fragile for years and years if not forever. It is the china doll in her and us.

    Just my thoughts.

    LoverlyLaurie responded:
    hi. first of all, i'm sorry that this disease is not only crippling your wife, but your family and i'm glad you are stepping up and asking for help. you are a good husband. the hard part will be her realizing that its in her best interest for her and your family to try to get help. a big part of getting help is giving up the control that your wife feels she has with an ED. you see it as a disease, which it is, but she may see it as her only way to cope with her past stressors and any current stressors (such as work or a crying 20month old)...kudos btw for raising a 20month old. that's a job within itself. your wife needs help, and as oopsla suggested, i think maybe sitting down and talking about seeing a therapist and nutritionist is a good first step to her learning how to cope with her feelings in a healthier way. the best thing to do is remind her how she is a wonderful person and mother and that you love her and are there for her and want her to get better.

    best of luck to you and your family.
    We are all in the gutter, but some of us look at the stars. -Oscar Wilde

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