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    Kinda an update..but just rambled
    bcbailey1977 posted:
    Well I was "volunteered" to work extra hours at another pharmacy in the same chain by my regional pharmacy manager. You can't say no to the big boss. So each week for the next couple weeks is 12+ hours of OT not counting what I normally work.

    I need the money because after my mom's surgery a week ago Tuesday we found out that the tumor's inside her hernia's were inoperable and the doctor said it would be about 6 months. She saw her Oncologist on Tuesday of this week and she said around 4 months. Well her Oncologist called me to see if I had any questions and I straight out asked her, her opinion of how long. She said she would be lucky to make it 3 months.

    So I have prescriptions for pain meds for her. I am willing to take the pain to have money to help out and get my bills paid down/off since I am so deep that I can't see my way out

    My magic cream and the jetted tub gets me thru the pain, physical pain. I had a severe flair on Sunday night I was crying so hard that I was in pain and no one came to help me. I just needed help to get to my cream or someone get it and a heating pad. If I put the cream on and then lay on a heating pad it seems to help faster. I wasn't saying I was in pain or it hurts because I need to be strong.

    I have to keep myself going because I have to help my dad as long as we can before my mom has to go to hospice. We are going to try to keep her home as long as possible. If I end up having to barely work I will.

    The past couple days though my mom has been helping me pick out her "In Memory of" tattoo. I have one for my grandma with her name at the top, a hummingbird scene then the year she was born and the year she died under the scene. So far we have come up with an anatomical heart and a nuclear atom. The atom is gonna go around the heart. She was a nuclear medicine technologist. We have just the font and location left. I am looking at my forearm but I have small arms. I want it visible most of the time but I am always cold. the atom is kinda big so I don't know where to put it. My grandmas tattoo starts at the base of my neck and goes to where the top of a bra strap is. then I have a tribal at lower back, band on leg and thumper on hip. My field of work is still kinda conservative still (even though my boss I report to has longer hair than mine) so I want people to see it but not sure how my work would deal with it.

    mischelle360 responded:
    Brooke, My heart goes out to you Hun.. I don't know what else to say. You and your family will be in my prayers.

    I don't know what a anatomical heart and a nuclear atom is, but if it isn't too big, maybe over your heart?
    angelldakota responded:
    Dearest Brooke... I will pray for you and your family that God carries you thru this hard time and you know you never walk alone... I know this is a difficult time for you... I hope you can find some time to rest and take care of you too...

    take care... bless you and your family...

    luv... jan/angelldakota
    bcbailey1977 replied to mischelle360's response:

    I am having a reduction done so wouldn't want to put it there.

    An anatomical heart looks like a real heart that is inside the body. A nuclear atom is a radioactive atom used to go to certain parts of the body when used in tests then xray type pictures are taken. Mainly heart studies, like if they put you on a treadmill and then take pictures.
    bcbailey1977 replied to angelldakota's response:
    I hope to find time this weekend. But still slowly working on my room to get it organized and cleaned up.

    I am helping my dad too and work on showing him how things are done. He knows some stuff but we are doing the little things and the online stuff. Not internet savvy like my mom or me. I am gonna help out too with the bills and stuff.

    They are going on her last roadtrip and we are gonna have a family portrait taken by the people who used to take my Easter photos and other yearly pictures. I have a few shots to do by myself for a then and now photo entry they want to use me. I have some pics from when I was in elementary school that won photo competitions. The dogs are gonna be in some of the shots too. They are part of the family. So I will have to make a 425 mile drive back to the hometown to take the pictures. My boss will let me go when I need to. He says my mom is 1st priority then my job. He knows my parents so he knows that I should be with my parents a lot.

    deal14 responded:
    Brooke, I am so sorry you are going through this. The tattoo sounds really great, and its a good thing that she and you can talk about everything.

    Im sorry, I dont know what else to say. I wish there was something we could do.
    bcbailey1977 replied to deal14's response:
    Just working 3 days of working at 2 stores is taking a toll on me. It has become almost a war and the money isn't worth it to lose where I work. It has changed up enough to make my direct manager extremely upset. I don't think I am gonna do it much longer. I hurt but under a lot of stress with my mom so not sure if it is work or my mom.
    fibroinsd responded:
    hugs to you....I think the tattoo sounds wonderful...this is such a stressful time...I wish there was someone you could move in with for awhile to get things in order for you too...and make things a little less stressful...I know it isn't really possible to be less stressed under these circumstances...but you need some positive support now too...

    Wish I could give you some wonderful advice...but sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected....

    hugs to you..
    Let's put the fun back in dysfunctional !- Mary Englebright
    bcbailey1977 replied to fibroinsd's response:
    Well my mom is back in the hospital and so the stuff I wanted to do was pushed on the back burner. Heck I didn't even watch my football game.

    Her electrolytes are out of control, so that means she is weak, nausea/vomiting, has fallen, I caught her once trying to get into bed by lifting her leg to get up but she needs to sit on the bed then put her legs up and get comfortable in bed.

    She also stays in bed all the time sleeping most of the time. I think she has fallen into a depression because she knows what is going to happen. We used to be able to get her to walk from the bed with or without assistance to her favorite chair and she would sit there for maybe an hour or so watching TiVo, Grey's Anatomy, NCIS, NCIS Los Angeles.

    Now my body hurts from sitting in a chair at the ER trauma area to the observation unit then up to where her bed is. My dad has been under so much stress getting up to take her to the bathroom to help her with her iliostomy pouch, showers, getting dressed, trying to get her to eat. He has been doing pretty much everything. I try to help but I don't know what he wants me to do.

    My mom sent him home and I stayed with her through seeing the ER doctor, tests, etc. Then there were a few traumas so they kicked us out to the observation area where there was a TV and we watched sports on TV. The hospitalist who admitted her took down a good history. It just took a while to get her a bed. I called a bunch of people my mom wanted me to everytime I took a smoke break.

    They are going to keep her a few days to find out what is going on. I prefer to be there when the doctors talk to her because I understand it better than my dad does and I can relay it in easier terms.

    I am just afraid she is gonna be in and out of the hospital for awhile. I just want her to have strength so we can do stuff together.

    Since finding out she will be lucky to make it 3 months, it has taken a toll on me, physically, emotionally and psychologically.

    I am stoic so I know what's going to happen but I don't express a lot of emotion. I get choked up sometimes at night and snuggle with the blanket from the baby I lost and the bear that was mine when I was a baby. The only time my mom made me almost cry was when she was groggy from pain medications and she told me she would watch over and take care of Ryan Lane her grandson since she has 15 years to catch up with him.

    My back is more sore than normal from the chairs at the hospital. I moved around, walked around but that was about it. I had to walk off the premises of the hospital to smoke. But gave me time to make calls and think.....
    1wareaglefan replied to bcbailey1977's response:
    Dear Brooke, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. I don't know what to say, except that I will pray that God be with you all and give you strength and a sense of His presence.

    God bless you.....Elizabeth
    Rozzy12 replied to 1wareaglefan's response:

    My heart goes out to you and your family in this difficult time of your life.. There are know words I can say except I will keep you and your family in my prayers and ask him to give you strength to get through this... I am glad you are coming here for some support please if you have the time keep doing it... It will be good for you.. Try to rest as much as you can in between things

    Take Care Sweetie,

    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to bcbailey1977's response:
    You don't have to be stoic with us, Brooke. (((((softhugs)))))
    We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell
    fibroinsd responded:
    hugs hugs hugs to you....please know I care and am praying for you....and all your family...

    Let's put the fun back in dysfunctional !- Mary Englebright
    jamesii replied to fibroinsd's response:
    Dear Brooke, so sorry for the hand that you and your family have to endure. You are at a very confusing, vulnerable time in life. I will be praying that you stay strong. keep praying, and be as optimisitc as you can be.

    It is hard watching a close, loved one pass from our family. I have heard it hundreds of times, even from the closest of family when they said, I wiil miss him/her but they suffered so much that it is a blessing that they passed and no longer in pain.

    I always tell people to gather up physical items, remember the great events, and go sit with the family member and reminesce as much as possible. It will brighten your day, bring a smile to your moms face, and kill the pain if for no more than just a moment. It is worth the effort.

    God bless you my friend, I am praying for you, and trying to be encouraging as much as possible in a bad time.

    Love, hugs, and prayers. Ark Jim
    bcbailey1977 replied to jamesii's response:
    Thanks everyone. She is coming home tomorrow. I will get texted by her when she knows the doctor is there or on their way. My dad doesn't do well with medical terminology or medicine really in general.

    I stopped working at 2 stores because I felt like I was gonna crack. 3 days was about all I could take.

    My mom now sees a doctor who is one of the pallative care doctors until she goes into hospice. I have to go to all the appointments because it's now a big deal with the family.

    My mom is gonna go to her PCP she had up until today and say goodbye and the OB/GYN who did her hysterectomy.

    My parents are going with me to my psychiatrist appointment because I am so stoic (didn't cry at my grandfather's funeral and it was a military ceremony).

    There are just things me and my mom would do on Sunday's that I don't think we will be able to do. And she won't be able to go "day after Thanksgiving shopping" with me. I think she is going to get me gift cards for the stores I go to. We'd do the shopping and everything she bought for me was for my birthday or Christmas presents. She never knew what to get me and so she just had me pick out what I wanted. She would throw other stuff in too.

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