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    Feeling suicidal guilt and pain worsening.
    resttheweary posted:
    [TRIGGER] Hello. I posted a few days back about getting ticked at the doctors office. I'm sorry i offended anyone, not was i was trying to do.
    Truth is, i lash out when i'm overwhelmed and depressed. Today is the 3rd day i've woke up and barely been able to walk. It's happened before, but maybe it's cuz i'm on my monthly. The pain radiates from waist down to feet and feels like something is yanking my muscles.
    I can't deal with the sadness and any coping skills i had are gone. I'm crying after the kids are in bed, that's when i can figure out what's bothering me, i can't even figure out what i'm feeling anymore. I stay busy with my girls 2,3 all day, i don't even know what i'm feeling. Plus, i'm not "allowed" to feel until they are asleep. But they've been seeing me cry more, and i can't have that. My husband sleeps during the day, he works nights, and though he wants to he doesn't do anything to help around the house or help with the kids. He just started anti depressants himself, and the side effect for him is constant drowsiness. I can't help but feel guilty, maybe i'm the one that makes him depressed. Been yelling at my girls, cuz i can't get a second to myself to make a grocery list, have little money, never go anywhere, so i can't get my mind off the pain. I have beautiful girls and loving husband, so that in itself makes me a selfish person for wanting to not be here anymore. I don't feel I'll ever be part of anything bigger than the constant agony i'm in over something or other. I shouldn't even be posting this, i know there are people that can't even get their docs to understand their condition or prescribe them meds. I don't have a soul to talk to, because i run people off, or i just don't have anything to say. I almost called a hotline last night to just have soemone to talk to. I've tried in the past. Been to two mental institutions, it's not my first rodeo. I can't do anything i used to do, and my stiffness is only getting worse. Sorry for wasting everyone's time. I didn't mean to be a burden for weary eyes to read. Have symptoms of lupus as well, feel like i'm going crazy. Just want a life. Want to forget and relax. Muscles never relaxed. Mind always worrying and thoughts racing.
    calicogirl63 responded:
    I am so sorry you are feeling so much emotional and physical pain. I do know how it feels to have so little hope. I am going through a similar tough time right now, too. Know that you are not alone!! You reached out here and found a friend--me!

    It is hard with two little ones who need you nearly every minute of the day! My twins are grown now, but they still live with us. It does get better!

    Pray! I know it helped me get through some horrible days!

    Vent when you need to!

    An_200128 responded:
    You don't need to worry about what you say here. Either we identify with you, or sympathize for you. Often just being able to say those things to people that are not judgmental can help a lot.
    Pixe5 responded:
    Hi resttheweary,

    I understand where you are at. You might want to jot down your reasons to keep living. On the top of the list remind yourself that your family needs you.

    I don't want to give you the idea that I think this is all in your head. You have plenty to be depressed about. However, since you have been hospitalized before I have to ask are you on any meds for your depression?

    BTW, excessive guilt is a symptom of depression. Don't be down on yourself because you are doing the best you can.

    Don't feel like you are being a burden here. We are here to support you so don't give up!

    I hope this helps a little.

    xperky responded:
    resttheweary, you sound like you really need a rest!

    Thanks for opening up to us. Many here have been in the pit you are in for whatever reasons. It's a deep, dark, bottomless pit...except, it's not! There is a way out. For me, it was accepting that I'd hit rock bottom, felt what it was like to feel worthless, a burden, and not wanting to live any more because it was just too hard. Somehow accepting that feeling and realizing that was the bottom, allowed me to start climbing up to the light at the top of that pit.

    I needed hospital help a couple times too, but ultimately the work to climb back into life, was done by me and my stubborn will power. Medication can help a little too. Call your doc.

    In your case, you have a lot of pain right now and that doesn't help. For now, treat your pain, and treat your inner self to something nice like a hot bath or shower, a quiet time with nature, or whatever relaxes you. Don't try to do too much right now. It's OK. Just survive. Just relax. Just BE.

    We love you, and care that you feel better soon. Please let us know what you are up to and how you manage to climb out of that deep pit. One step at a time, you can do it.

    Sympthetically, Margaret
    Life is wonderful when lived with love and compassion, Margaret
    Booch007 responded:
    Hey you,

    As said before. DON'T EVER apologise for being here and leaning in on a shoulder. We have all, at one time or another been in trouble and have needed the shoulders here.

    This sounds too low, any family? Anyone to help here. I really want you to reconnect with Mental health people. The crisis hotline is OK too. When you are this low, (been there) you really don't see the blessings in your life or those to come.

    The pain just consumes you, you need help with this. Even the Internist you see should be aware you are in trouble. YOUR HOME sounds like it is in trouble. Lack of sleep and working nights did me in a few times. We need to do what we do, but got to get through it with some help.

    Please call them and tell them this is critical. Please let them know there are 2 kids here in the home who need a functioning parent. I am so sorry you are dealing with so much, proud of you to come to dump it here.

    None of us really know the difficulties that some of us face. I am so sorry it is so overwhelming at this time. I too went through a tough period and also couldn't walk on my feet from bed. I would just hobble. You really need help to see the rim at the top of this cup, the light at the end of the is there.

    YOU CANNOT do this alone. Call them and get help PLEASE !!.........I am now going to worry about you each morning whe I come keep posting* keep us up on how you handle this.

    Doing so will teach another who falls into the same pit......

    We need to share and teach eachother how to handle life's issues. Thank you for opening up to us. ((((((hugs)))))) from here in NY to you.................Nancy B
    mymyrt replied to Booch007's response:
    Resttheweary, first of all, as you have seen, you never need to feel guilty about posting here. If someone has been offended, then he or she will survive. I imagine we have all been offended by one thing or another. I wish we could be there physically with you. Your post is screaming out your isolation, which is enough by itself to produce suicidal thoughts. I know about isolation. I won't tell you about my situation now, but when you are up to it, I want you to go to my profile and get my email and talk to me. Isolation, even though your husband and kids are there, coupled with unrelenting pain, and the guilt, shame, and worthlessness of fibro, all are a dangerous combination. The fact that you have been in hospital before speaks of your strength. I know, you don't feel you have any just now. But you are reaching out, and that is the most difficult thing to do. I have found that the people we live with can be blinded to our pain and our needs. My husband has said many times that I just say the same thing over and over, he doesn't know what to do to help me emotionally, and we have been married for 3l years! Please call your doctor about your pain, try to get someone to help with your kids, even for a little while, call someone who can call someone for you. I hear your desperation, I have been there, over and over. I have been suicidal several times, but I have always managed to stop at the edge and realize that I am valuable, even though I feel like the most valueless, useless, unnecessary person on earth. Please, Honey, don't hurt yourself. Vent here as much as you need to. I'm so sorry you are so low. It's a terrible dark place but you are not alone. I know there are others here who share your pain. Please post again soon.

    Many heart hugs to you, Sweeting. Try to rest. Know we all care.

    Knowledge is power.
    KatmanduLou responded:
    Don't apologize here - there are many of us here who have been where you are. I try to stop by on good days to help someone who's having a bad day.

    PLEASE call your doctor, get an appointment in the next couple of days (I've actually begged for one!), and talk to him/her. (I'll say him...). Tell him what you're going through. Ask him for a referral to a counselor of some type. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your girls.

    I'm sorry about your husband, but I suspect he's feeling like you - he's going out, working overnights for the shift bonus, comes home and wants to sleep.

    Do you have family or friends nearby? Can someone come - even one day a week - to help you? Even if they take your girls out for a couple of hours might be the break you need so you can get some rest.

    Stick around, there are plenty of people here who care.
    (( hugs )))
    sunshineof100 responded:
    Hi this is sunshine, I want to say you are not alone I am sure ever one here can relate, I know I can. I know that being sick with 2 children that young are a handfull with out having Fibro.. I have the same problem that there is no one for me to talk too, I know that is hard, I been there too and still there.. Please if you feel like you don`t want to be here, call the 911 they will help you.

    They can give you help...You will have some one to listen and maybe take care, not sure but than they can give you a name of a doctor that can help you, and get some meds... that will help!! The Er here has to see you, if you need help and they can not tell you NO even if dont have insurence...If you have chest pains you will get in faster here .<smile>

    I been around children a lot, that was my jop and I loved it. I had to give it up, but know what they like!Some time when you need to rest, sit with you children with a tape that they like.. later you can make lunch and sit with them... Now another time reading is good and all of things they like is a time that can stay there.

    Now for you, take a bath with lavnor (?)sp) in the tub, I cant get in the tub but .if found out that being in water, a pool is one, that help me, but have no pool any more or cant get one either, but I feel waterl helps...

    Please take care of your self, try resting and if you want to vent this is the best place to come.
    One day at a time... thats how I deal with it... sunshine
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    Dear Resttheweary,

    As you can see, you're not alone here. There's a lot of understanding and support from others here.

    I also hope that, along with talking here, you reach out beyond this board.

    If you need help keeping yourself safe, please do call a crisis line .

    But also speak with your doctor about how you've been feeling and look in your community for free support groups, particularly mommy groups.

    Even when you don't have Fibromyalgia, being a young mom can be very isolating and it can really help to talk with others, connect with them even if it's just a few hours a week. And you may end up finding others who are dealing with their own health issues along with being a new mom.

    You are not making your husband depressed. I know you know it doesn't work like that.

    Please be kind to yourself and start taking steps to feel less isolated in your pain. (((softhugs)))
    We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell
    rudyandirmouse responded:
    Resttheweary, Hello my name is Linda R and I just read your post. First let me say that you are not wasting anyone's time. Secondly, everyone here has been where you at one point or another on their fibro journey. And thirdly, everyone understands how you are feeling and cares. When your here your Not Alone... your understood, your believed and your cared about. So stay with us.. let us be there for you.

    Okay, that said. fibro, as an illnesses, is a mean collection of ills. I know that you feel overwhelmed by it, by the way it makes you feel. But I tell you this, it could be worse. It could be something ten times worse and be fatal.

    It's a hard DX I know. Hearing that it can't be cured, can't be removed. Knowing that we can never go back to the life we had is hard. I know that, it's how I felt all those many years ago. It's hard to get your head around that, but honestly, you've just got to go on and get over looking back and wishing for the life you used to know.

    You have to realize that you now have to live life differently... and not that it will be worse. Because life is what we make of it isn't it? Always has been that way. We make our days what they are, the memories what they are. Don't let fibro do that for you!

    And we've all gotten tired, depressed and anxious because of fibro. I'd even venture to say that each of us here has in some way or other felt like just giving it up. I laid on my living room couch for 6 months, honest, and just waited to die. My friends from college just came and got me up off it and I've never looked back.

    I have learned to deal with fibro and not let it's collections of illnesses take even one minute away from my day, my week, my life. It's an uphill battle some days, but I always go to be knowing it didn't win. It didn't send me to be, I was up and doing... even if it was doing little things.

    And we've each had people who depended on us even when we ourselves were feeling so unwell. I can tell you that happened to me so many days over the 30 years. I've had those I love look at me and not understand that I was feeling like a walking dead person.. I hurt so bad but I had to help them.

    I've had 3 small children to raise. I had 6 grand children who need their Nana. I've been so much to so many and I did it all while dealing with fibro flares. And yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself for being able to be there while feeling I'd rather be in bed, I'd rather have a heating pad on my aches and pain. I think I just am so mad at fibro and it's ability to control my life if I let that I just won't let it take even one minute of my life.. It's MY LIFE! It doesn't control me.. it may slow me down some days, but I'll always get up and try to get my daily agenda done.

    I just wanted to share that with you. Your not an illness, your who you were before the DX... get back to that YOU.. and go on, make each count.. find reasons to be happy, be useful even if it's doing and making small differences in your life and that of those you love. Don't expect them to understand how fibro makes you feel.. they'll never be able to.. come here on those days and talk to us.. We're here.. we care and we support you.. :)
    Soft hugs going out to you..
    Linda R.
    jrae922 responded:
    Hello resttheweary,

    Are you currently on medication for your depression? If not, please see your doctor right away - these thoughts you are having are very dangerous. I just admitted myself to the ER less than two weeks ago myself. I have a daughter and I worry constantly about my condition spilling over to her - so I absolutely know your concern.

    More than anything else - you need support. Your doctor, your friends/family, your neighbors ... someone can help you. I know it's hard, but reach out to someone even if only for the sake of your children.

    You can and will feel better than you do right now. The symptoms of FM are so hard but that's why we are here for each other. We show each other how to cope. Please, please get some help and keep us updated.


    NeNe_11 responded:
    Hi Resttheweary.........Please hang in there & call your doctor right away. A change in meds can give you your hope back. If you are not talking to someone about your feelings, please make an appointment to do so-Im glad you are coming here for support, but you need more. I understand what you are going through-Im in a terrible place myself, but I know I have to keep-keepin' on!
    Please realize that you have a purpose-your children need you-your husband needs you & God does have a plan for your life!

    I pray that you will be well.............Denise
    lb707 replied to NeNe_11's response:
    You have already gotten some good suggestions......and I hope you realize it is not possible to live in chronic pain and just want to give up.....we all understand. Do not beat yourself up just get some help.

    Recently I had to deal with an issue with my daughter that I did not know which way to go. I called Crisis Center and asked for some help. They gave the # of something called crisis resolution which helped a lot. Sometimes you are so over whelmed you do not know how to put one foot in front of the other and move on.

    Take care
    resttheweary replied to lb707's response:
    Thank you all for your support. And for the words of encouragement. Pain has lessened a bit, storms headed this way though so the stiffness is still there. I'm winging it and talking to someone about the issues i'm having. It's slow but i'll see where it takes me. Still feeling the same, but i think things will change soon when certain things in my life change, as in getting my 3yr old into preschool. Anyway, thanks to all of you for your time and effort.

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