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    Help Me I am losing the battle...
    dakotaspirit1957 posted:
    Yeh me... the one that preaches acceptance moment by moment... more like second by mini-second these days...

    I don't know if it is the new depression meds aren't up to par yet and it is getting worse... Or the illness and pain being worse...

    I am barely walking... barely sitting... can barely lie down... I can't sleep until sheer exhaustion sets in... Am up for days...

    My son is afraid to leave me alone with the kids... I am barely babysitting and mentally not doing well with it... Just one more thing all this crap inside me has stolen from me...

    Mentally I am losing it... I cry forever... scream at everything and everyone...

    I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow for a med check for she started new meds 2 weeks ago... I feel a little more control in some areas.. it is even helping my Parkinson movements... But I am suddenly back to book one where dealing with this pain and feeling ill is possible... I am so tired of getting worse instead of better... And things are steadily going backwards...

    I called my counselor and cried on the phone that I am losing it... I hope she will have time to call me back and maybe see me soon... I am not dealing with life at all... not in my eyes anyway...

    I have tried all my vices... I can't concentrate to meditate... use imagery... use self hypnosis... I wreath in pain and cry constantly because I am so sick of being sick and in pain...

    This hasn't happened for a long time... I feel like I am in a rut... I am losing options... My life is changing again and I am not ready for it... Dr's say I am doing everything right... keep doing it... things will "hopefully" turn around again... But then in the next breathe say that it doesn't look good... nothing is coming up on continual tests...That's good and bad... They are trying to start new meds everywhere... Staggering them of course not to have them interfere with each other...

    If I didn't feel so hurt and angry again I might be able to get my mind back... Right now my spirit is so low that I am not even a loving person to be around...

    I try to talk here but I feel like I am looking for pity and I have never felt like that before... And I don't want my pity either...

    I find myself too down and worn out to pray... I know God hasn't turned his back on me and won't give me too much to handle... But I feel so lost...

    Please... any advice as to how to pull out of this... I feel like I am again living in a nightmare... all alone...

    I have to go... need to rest... I hope you all are having a much better time... take care...

    Love... Jan/Dakota
    Anon_10089 responded:
    So sorry you're in a bad spot. I don't have much advice but wanted to give you a response!

    It sounds like you've already taken steps to hopefully get some help. That's good. Every time I feel utterly hopeless, just being a tiny bit proactive makes me feel a tiny bit better.

    I'm hoping you felt a bit better after writing and clicking "submit". I think we're at our worst when we're in our own minds. Once I express my issues, it's not like they magically disappear but I at least mentally feel a little lighter.

    Try to keep praying. Even a short prayer of few words can help.

    I know you have multiple health problems so I am sorry I don't have more practical solutions. And it's okay to ask for help/pity/sympathy whatever on this board.

    Hope things start to look up, if even a small bit . . .
    Weezie6452 responded:
    I'm sorry you're not doing well. You've always been so strong and such a good resource for all of us that I don't like to know you're in so much pain and turmoil.

    Please know that we are out here in a circle around you, praying for your strength and peace to return.
    lkreed responded:
    I am so sorry you are going through allof this right now. But I know exactly, I mean EXACTLY how you feel. I went through the same exact thing five years ago when I was 15. I've had clinical depression and anxiety since I was in 4th grade, when I was 15 I got EBV, CFS, and Fibromyalgia. For an entire year I was battling with medications that didn't work, in fact made everything worse, including my depression. I've had to purge medications because they made me so genuinely suicidal that my mother found me clothed in the tub bleeding from my head from bashing it against the wall so many times. Being so genuinely exhausted, in such deep and true pain, and feeling emotionally worn out and apathetic is such a horrible, horrible thing, I would never wish it on anyone. I've been trying to learn to cope with it for the past five years, and I want you to know that it does get better. You do learn to cope. You do learn to breathe through the pain and accept the exhaustion.
    It really sounds like you are on the wrong medication, it sounds exactly like things I've gone through when I've trialed antidepressants and fibro meds. I really hope your therapist can help you. It changed my life when I started seeing mine! I mean it, I was days away from suicide, and she helped me through this horrible event. You must accept that this is your cross to bear, and it's your duty to keep going, as hard as it is. Make sure to keep up on your vitamins, especially vitamin D. Things will be okay, just work with your doctors and never lose faith in yourself. You're not alone.
    1wareaglefan replied to lkreed's response:
    Oh, Dear Jan, I hate to hear that you're going through this horrible ordeal. I agree that it sounds like the new meds. Some of them have side effects worse than the little good they do. I know I've gone through some horrible times when I've switched meds.

    Please know that your friends here are praying for you and are here anytime to listen, encourage, and support you. This has to get better for you.

    Stay in close contact with your doctors, please, and with us!

    Many hugs, Elizabeth
    katmandulou responded:
    Don't give up, we're here, and we understand.

    I know you say you can't concentrate to meditate. Here's something I do. Find good, soothing music, something you know well and listen to for enjoyment. My faves include Barry Manilow and Michael Buble. Put it on, close your eyes, and listen. Try to pick out just the bass (lowest) notes. Listen only to the drums. As your mind gets used to looking for just one element, you might find that you are getting relaxed. Now make a nice cup of tea and listen some more. Maybe something a little more symphonic, like Pachelbel's Canon in D (which I swear is the most relaxing piece of music ever!)

    or choral (think wedding or christmas music), and listen to each voice, one at a time.

    Can you tell I'm a musician/singer?

    Sometimes I do this before I go to bed, just to relax. I hope you can try it, and let us know whether it works for you.

    I wish you calm and peace.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    I hope your counselor has since called you back and your visit with your pdoc helps you tomorrow.

    I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. As you can see, you're not alone.

    One thing I have had to sometimes do is when my old standby ways of coping stopped working, I had to change what I did, find new distractions, hobbies, supports.

    We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell
    angelswife responded:
    Jan...I am so sorry. I wish I lived closer---I would come and hold you and not let go. You are special to me and I keep you in my prayers always.

    I am offering my love in the only way I can...wrap up in the shawl I made you and feel my arms around you, holding and supporting you. I promise I won't let go. XOXO ((((HUGSHUGSHUGS))))
    dollbug responded:
    Dear Jan....times are tough....but I am sure that this too will pass....continue to know that we are here with you....and we care....I hope and pray that GOD will comfort you and provide you with strength to get through this time....we both know that HE can perform hang in there and allow HIM to take your troubles....

    Thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time....May GOD bless you.


    My personal exchanges are Vitamin D and Pain and Wrath of the Dragon....if you care to visit..
    xperky responded:
    Jan, I am so sorry you are feeling so low. It seems like just a couple days ago you were doing very well, your health was improving, and your mood was hopeful. That makes me think that either something happened that upset you, or your meds need an adjustment ASAP.

    No matter what, we are here, feeling for you, and praying for you. Hopefully you are getting the help you need from your doctors very soon.

    I love Lou's musical suggestions, by the way. Music is a great way to change our moods.

    Hugs to you.
    With Compassion,
    crystallou01 responded:
    Dearest Jan,
    Oh, how I wish there was some magical formula I could give you to help lift your spirits right now. As of a few minutes ago, I put you on my prayer list...(a list that helps me to remember all the people I'm praying for). I feel your pain and your anguish when I read your post...I don't pity you because I myself hate pity. Sometimes I just want to cry and not get out of bed...I want to roll over,put the pillow over my head, and fall back to sleep...(ha ha...that never works). I wish I could give you inspirational words...words that would rip your pain in half and give your spirits a new lift....The only thing that comes to mind right away is to let you know that your heavenly father knows where you have been, he knows where your are going, and he knows what you are going through. One of my favorite psalms to read is 139. Please read it now, if you can. Sometimes when you are hurting and no one is in your shoes it helps to put things into perspective. It always helps me to feel a little better when I realize that God knows right where I am at.
    Will it make your pain go away? Or will it make all these medicines start working? No, honestly it won't. But I want you to take rest and joy and peace in the fact that you aren't alone at all, really.
    It won't make this ordeal you're going through any less or any easier, but maybe it will be hope.
    Sometimes, because I'm a nurse, and I'm a "do-gooder", I have to make myself say no to things that I really want to say yes to. Sometimes, because I'm a nurse, I know that I must keep going even when my body stops me and begs me to sit for awhile. I've realized after having fibromyalgia for 4 years that I need to listen to my has a way of telling me it's reached it's limit.

    As for coping...sometimes nothing makes the pain better. Sometimes, I have to trick my making it think in ways it never has thought before. Occassionally it works and I've suddenly found myself getting lost in a new skill or hobby. Is there anything you've always wanted to learn more about? I know it won't be easy with the fibrofog, but it might help your self worth....just ideas. Please get some rest....I hope you feel better soon.
    dgoodw83 responded:
    keep praying honey that's the only thing that's getting me by from day to day. i feel your pain that you are going through. i am so sick of seeing doctors and all they do is touch me, continue my pain meds and my fm meds and take my co-pay. keep praying the lord hears you and there will be a brighter day soon.
    jillylin responded:
    it isn't pity at all to feel this way. You have a massive amount on your shoulders and even the strongest person's knees would buckle under the weight from time to time. I have not real advice beyond telling you that it is OK to feel like this and sometimes we need to allow ourselves to fall to the floor. And don't worry that you are too low or worn out to pray. Let us take over that for you. God hears everything we don't say too.

    Be gentle with yourself. Remember you deserve the same loving support you give others. It's hard to see the light when we are stuck down in this deep dark pit but the light will be there.
    Gentle hugs
    Jilly in the UK
    dakotaspirit1957 replied to jillylin's response:
    I finally found this thru a recent response... I knew it was out there somewhere... lol... Thank you all for being such wonderful support when I needed you the most... Looking back I can honestly say I was a snap close to suicide and I know you and an emergency appointment with my counselor refrained me from going there...

    I am manic depressive... I have great big highs and great big lows... Xperky you read me on a high... but it came crashing down a couple of days later... And when I crash... I crash... That was when I wrote the message... On a low...

    Until my meds are leveled out... which they are starting to show signs of positively working now... I will be having these manic highs and lows... Now that the meds are starting to make a slight difference they aren't as often and not as high and low... I am still buying thing online that I don't need lol... That is characteristic of my highs... Gotta take my debit card away lol... and I am still having my crying sessions... But I am able to control myself... I am not over drawing myself lol... like I have in the past... and I am not wallowing in depression... I am allowing myself a certain amount of time to cry and let my feelings out then I shake the negative and struggle to find the positive again...

    I have made it a practice to come here and do more then read again... Helping others is great for my self worth... And my purpose in life... For me... If I touch one person in a special way and I am remembered in a special way when I die... I am a success... That alone makes me a millionaire... And all this pain and illness worth while... If I can share my strength and love of myself to help someone in pain or just ill so that they can find their inner strength and love themselves... I am a success... And my life has meaning...

    To help others after all is to help myself... For every time someone says I have showed them strength... My strength grows... Every time someone gives me unconditional love I gladly give it back in return and can pass it on to others waiting for my friendship... Every time someone gives of themselves to me... I can give of myself more freely... And live a happier and more content life for having you my angels touch my life...

    Thank you again for your thoughts and your prayers... I was actually on a manic high the next day... Much better then a low lol... And it mellowed to a even keel plateau as I call them... So since then I haven't been major high or low... I sorta call this my "blawsea" stage... sorta "boring" lol... it is quote "normal" so they say... I have to get use to "normal" lol...

    I am very grateful to have you in my life... Have I told you all that lately??? I am... Very grateful... You have made my life very different and I mean that in a positive manner... I sure once again thank you for being here for me...

    Take care...Love... Jan/Dakota
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to dakotaspirit1957's response:
    Thank you for coming back and updating us, Jan. Glad the meds are starting to work for you.
    We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell

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