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    close to a breakdown
    nowawidow posted:
    This is the first time I have done this but I just can't get back to living, I only seem to be getting worse. My husband James and I were together 20 years. We have two beautiful kids. Our love was that rare one... true soulmates. We lost him last June 3, 2009 after being diagnosed May 2008 with a rare and aggressive cancer eating his entire nasal and sinus cavities, it was in his eyes then into the brain. I cared for him 24/7 the whole time until I just physically gave out and had Hospice come and help. He died in my arms with the kids right next to him. In a flash I went from caring for him 24/7 to nothing. Half of me died with him and I am still walking around like half a person with absolutely no idea what to do. I am in such deep depression that if I didn't have my kids I would have given up months ago. If anyone can relate to my loss please help.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    Dear one,

    Last June is still so close and it's no wonder you're having a hard time right now.

    I've not been through the kind of pain you have in terms of caring for the one I love 24/7 while watching his life slip away, but I did lose my love of many years and I felt the same.... felt like I'd died with him, felt there was little point in going on.

    You are blessed in having children. Children, no matter how old, have a way of pulling us forward in life whether we want to or not.

    Keep taking care of your physical health.... rest/sleep, eat healthy, exercise when you can. And get up every day, shower, dress, go about your day.

    It all feels very artificial right now, I know. But one day you will find yourself smiling. It may be brief but it will come again and, eventually, stick around longer.

    You don't have to figure it all out now. You just have to get through each day.

    If that's becoming more and more difficult for you, please talk with your doctor and pursue grief counseling and/or grief support groups.

    And, of course, keep talking here if it helps. We are listening.

    I am so very sorry for your loss. ((((softhugs))))
    littlecat65 responded:
    Hi there .... I am so sorry for your loss ..... how difficult to have to go through with someone you love. It is only 7 months since he died, so it is really not that long. Be gentle with yourself .... After 20 years, it is totally understandable that you feel like half of you is gone. My situation is not exactly like yours but I know the "half of me is gone" feeling. I was divorced 4 years ago after a 40 year marriage, and I still do not feel like a whole person. It is slowly getting better, but it takes a long time. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself plenty of time to grieve, cry, rage and mourn. This is all very new for you. Please keep posting. Bless you, abby
    nowawidow responded:
    Dear Caprice,

    That night I posted I was in a very bad place. I knew I had to reach out for something... some how, some way.

    I want to thank you for taking the time to read my post and then replying with such kind words, they really touched my heart and I actually felt a glimmer of hope. I have an appointment with my doctor, tomorrow actually, so we'll see what he can do for me.

    I am sorry also for your loss. You sound like a very strong person though. Again thank you for your wonderful reply, it really did help me to look for some kind of direction I need to seek out.

    God bless you! Tammy
    nowawidow responded:
    Dear Abby, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read my post. I had never posted anything before but that night was a really rough one. I felt like I was barely hanging on and needed to reach out some way just to get through the rest of the day. Your words were just what I needed to hear. Even though I had some time with him to say what I needed to, and to show him just how loved he was, this is new for me being without him. But like you said,,, give myself time. Again thank you for the wonderful reply and God bless you. Tammy
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    Thank you for your kind words, Tammy.

    I'm glad you returned to let us know how you're doing. Talk here any time. ((((hugs))))
    Jaye48 responded:
    Hi - I believe I can relate to your loss. I lost my husband of 31 years a little over a year ago. It was a tragic accident and he was gone from me in a split second. I felt we had one of those rare loves that only happen once in a lifetime. We did everything together, enjoyed being with each other. We were not only husband and wife but each other's best friend. I am so very sorry for your loss and I know what it's like to just have our lives end. It's like that part of our life just ended and we are left a numb shell in this black hole that we have to try and climb out of. I know that part of me is gone and I will never be the same. I truly thought about giving up, many times. I have two older children and they have been wonderful to me but they have lives and I know I need to rebuild one for myself. I don't know if you are taking any medication to help. I was very resistant to taking anything but finally agreed to take a low dose antidepressant. It was explained to me that this would not take away my pain but will help me to cope with it. It's a very personal decision and different for each person but it is something you might want to consider. I know what it's like to walk around and feel totally lost. I started by making a list of things that needed to be done and I would force myself to do two of them each day. Some days, one of them included getting out of bed. This has been the hardest journey of my life and unless someone has been in our shoes, they simply cannot understand the agony we are in. It is a long road, I know. Just take very small steps and be kind and gentle with yourself. Do what it necessary and do not worry about the rest. Take care.
    realsad responded:
    I am so sorry to hear of your loss,I feel your pain, I lost my only son this June it will be 4 years, and my husband Andy helped me so much with all of that, now 3 years and 11 months later my husband past away! he had AML but he beat the cancer but had so many side effects, he was so strong, I stayed with him in the hospital until he told me he wanted to die, I didn't think it would come to this we both thought that this 2 years was a big bump in the road and he was going to get better, but he didn't, we were married 22 1/2 years and we were very much in love with each other, now I am so lost I just don't no what to do with myself, if it wasn't for my faith in God, I don't think I could do anything, and I don't think i could stand it if I didn't know that my son (Donnie) and my Andy was in haven, I've looked on the computer for grief chat and never found anything until now so maybe someone out there can maybe help me. thank you!
    Louise_WebMD_Staff replied to realsad's response:
    Welcome Realsad. We are glad you have joined us-though sorry to learn of your incredible losses.
    An_198024 responded:
    lost my husband nov 29 has been 128 days today......i have been married 37 years..i was 16 when i fell in love with him, i was married at 17...he has been the most wonderful husband, father and friend....i wish i could tell you something that would take away the pain...i have all i can do to get through each day...i cry everyday because we were so close i cant stand being without him...everything i do is a first and it hurts...i feel all the same way ..if it wasnt for my wonderful son i would not be here....unfortunately my son lives 4 hours away, he comes home on weekends...but i dont want him to worry about me so i try to make like i'm ok......i don't know where this road is going to lead to all i know is that i'm alone and broken hearted on it.
    Louise_WebMD_Staff replied to An_198024's response:
    37 years is a long time. You must have the most amazing memories of him. I am sorry you don't have your son closer to you and if he is anything like I was before my mom lived with us-he knows you are still grieving and miss his father deeply. Please know you aren't alone. Your son is with you. We are here for you. Look at the love in your life around you right now. Let them be there for you like you would be there for them.
    wifeofnamvet replied to Louise_WebMD_Staff's response:
    not only lost my husband in november i also lost one brother in march unexpectadly and my other brother in october 2009 was not a good year for me at all....they were the best brothers anyone could ask for ...i was so close to both of them i dont feel like grief will ever leave me....i am so heart broken i dont know where to start or end....
    wifeofnamvet replied to wifeofnamvet's response:
    today is 130 days and i have cried for everyone of them.....i will never be happy again.....i see everyone around me enjoying life and i feel like it has passed me by....i'll never get over the hurt...i feel like i'm consumed with heartbreak.....i love my son but he has to live his life without worrying about i dont want to add to his grief because he was as close to his dad as he is to me and thats not fair to him......i have not moved anything of my husbands...i cant even remove his toothbrush or medicine....i dont want to let go....i want him home ....he has always been my strength and my best friend....
    Darkshadow13 replied to wifeofnamvet's response:
    I can totally relate, part of me has died as well. Husband died unexpectedly Feb. 18, 2009. We were married 24 1/2 years. I miss him everyday. I have slowly gone through his things; my kids took some of his favorite shirts and the rest I sent to Goodwill. My daughter (24) thinks I am getting rid of his memories, that is far from the truth. He was my first and only boyfriend, he was it. I will never marry again. I have been to hell and back and have been in counseling since Aug. when I realized I needed help. Not proud of it but needed to deal with the grief and depression. I still don't care if I eat or not but I am trying. On top of that I was laid off in Nov. from my dream job, this has also taken a toll on me. Life will never be the same.
    wifeofnamvet replied to Darkshadow13's response:
    darkshadow13...i'm so sorry for your loss...and your right i discovered life would never be the same the day my husband passed away....true loves only come once in a life time and i will never marry or want to look for anyone else....everyday gets harder for me...i just dont know how to handle is 130 days and the pain is no different if anything its worse...i cry all the time...i use to love to cook and now like you i could care less about food.....what is the since of eating alone...i cannot sit at our kitchen table ...actually i dont sit much at all...i pace alot......i wish you well and hope your heart can heal....

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