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    what can i do when im scared and have no voice
    legion420 posted:
    hello,my names a 34 year old married mother of 1 13 year old terror.though,if you saw me-because of my size(5'2/91lbs)youd think i was more around 15 or 16 but with hard feature's that would make ya unsure.i stopped growing i guess in every way around 17.the most i have wieghed was 108lbs-at giving birth to my kid,and within 1 week was back to my normal between 90-95lbs and its held stead fast this way since 16.other adults dont like this and cruely lable me a drug addict.crack is the main 1 ive always been suspected of and meth-but i have never used either and never failed any drug test,yet even doctors can not get passed that,even though they test me till its gone so past insultive,i dont know what or how to react anymore.this unjust stigma that has followed me since the 10th grade is causing life threating health concerns are not listened to,symptoms i tell my doctors go over their heads i guess and so whatevers killing me and in a very abusive-painful way is being ignored and/or down played.i have been to more different doctors,ive lost count-so many tests i dont know them all and im never given results and my past tests done since 2003-2009 mysteriously disapeared!im bounced around more than a basketball yet i just continue to get worse,i have NO quality of life,constant mind bending pain daily,it's impossible most days to leave my bedroom unless to go pee,etc.i cant touch anything without pain being amplified.i cry every day.ive done a bit of research-or my hubby does and i could have roughly 15-20 major disorders,syndroms and terminal illnesses.i am legaly permently disabled,which also makes me cry in emotional out of options except 1 and that is to end my suffering with dignaty.i have been able to piece together what various drugs and lethal dosages.ive read on WA states death with dignaty act.there is 1 pill,and its been described kinda like putting an animal to sleep.ive seen that and its peaceful and quick.i just feel bad about having to leave my husband and daughter behind to rot in this hell of a society.but im already not really a part of their daily life-i want to be,but with the physical and every pain,i why stick around?
    77grace responded:
    Hi leigion420 ,
    Well,I am very sad to hear that you want to give up !!It's a terrible place to be in your mind and of course your Body !
    I also suffer from hronic pain and have for over 30 years and there have been brief moments when I have felt like it's just too much !!
    For me though I have a faith in God and I try to put it in his hands because I can't handle it !!!That gives me peace !Also like you said I do not want to hurt my Family and friends !
    There is a lot I could say but no time on this board ,I will reply if you want help!!!
    Jesus really does Love you !I know you probally don't want to hear this right now but I must tell you that ,and he will help !
    annette030 responded:
    Only you know the answer to "why stick around", what is it?

    Take care, Annette

    PS - Please call your local hotline for help, it is much better than writing long drawn out posts here.
    ctbeth responded:
    Hi Jessica,

    I do have to ask: since you're legally disabled, there must have been an MD who you've seen to get the diagnosis that qualified you for disability benefits.

    Be aware that the results of any and all medical tests, procedures, examinations that you have had are your property; the ordering MD must advise you of the results.

    Are you able to get psychiatric help? Many of your concerns may be best managed by this specialty of MD.

    I'd ask you to re-consider the discrimination based upon your height/ weight ratio. Your being short and thin should not be a concern. With the stated height/ weight you provided, you should not look clinically malnourished.

    Whence young women appear terribly emaciated, the first suspicion would be anorexia/ bulimia, not methamphetamine addiction.

    Sometimes when pain is bad, eating becomes very difficult. I have always been tall and thin and, as a young woman, was asked by my concerned medical providers about issues related to anorexia, never meth addiction.

    I'm a middle-aged mother of four and am still clinically underweight. Some of us are overweight, some of us are underweight, some of us are "normal" weight. My weight and, from what you say, your weight is normal for you. Medical professionals are more concerned with a sudden loss or gain than they are with a person who has been thin or overweight all of his/ her adult life.

    I would urge you to have a closer look at this concern when you next experience a situation that causes your weight to arise in conversation with your medical professionals.

    Mostly remember than none of us really wants to pre-maturely end his/ her life; we just want the pain to stop.

    Please keep us updated.

    ctbeth replied to ctbeth's response:
    Oh yeah- what hurts? Where is your pain?

    Since you're being monitored by urine drug testing, are we to assume that you're being prescribed some kind of opiate from an MD who is treating you for a pain syndrome of some sort?

    It's a positive thing for you that you have your husband as an advocate: hang in there and let's help you figure this pain thing out, okay?
    legion420 replied to 77grace's response:
    dear grace,
    i understand i think what your trying to convey,though i know nothing of religion really,but respect others do.its something i'm sorry but long long before i was in pain-i had no religious believes.i will accept the help you may have for me as long as religions not part of i respect you believe please respect i do i would love to conversate back and forth,perhaps some new medical ideas for me to try to ask my doctor may come up!you never know.
    most sincerely, jessica alcaide
    Jessica Ann Alcaide
    legion420 replied to annette030's response:
    i do not expect any kind of help i think you may be conveying(im not positive,mainly guess)anyplace on the internet.those who decide when their time is done wont normally say or put a word down anyplace.and unfortunately,those hotlines are more amusing than anything.i have 8 severe mental health disorders so i perceive and process things quit different and typically make those people cry or eat them alive.i hope or expect nothing.but in posting all over various medical sites(or that was a goal,but not so much anymore,becoming more sick and limited on how much per day if anything i can do and must prioritize and online is at the list bottom.mainly,perhaps-a doctor of sorts,outta no place reads it but can also read between the lines.if i ever see that bright light-oh happy day.
    Jessica Ann Alcaide
    legion420 replied to ctbeth's response:
    well since 2003,i have been bounced around to a variety of doctor's on seperate health networks.when i was declared after 7 years of so much i cant remember it all,not even my attorney could trace all the medical history dating back to 2003-it was all done through dshs and 90% of it vanished into thin air.this issue now didn't begin till the summer of 2010 or 2011 in my right hand doctor i have is a loser,and just has no interest in what i say and just how it is blatant whatever is really going on just gets worse,probably due to lack of any testing,and even lack of any therapist and i are planning a last ditch effort to force his hand.i have been looking for another md but i have limitiations on the travel radius and have yet to find another provider either accepts my coverage or 1 that does but none thus far is taking new know oddly anorexia,etc. has never came up,ever!!!!i cant explain it at all,it's anyone's guess really,but am no stranger to it since it's been something that's been popping up since i was 15 or so.but not as in my face as its been since 2003.i think it's comes out of a widely accepted stigma of people on welfare-which we were on tanif till i got my disability.stigma is much more strong than you may see.but thats just my best view on death and when a life ends is not so strait forward,actually ive been told by many-im very unique in that and leave more than 1 speechless.i have a stomach condition,starts with an E,but causes you not to be able to eat many foods you once could and sparatic vomiting where ive had to be hospitalized for iv fluids because my vomiting wasnt stoping and started looking much like 1 time i was in the hospital for a week,my husband had to call 911,he found me in bed-unresponsive and not breathing.i was on life support i guess from what hes told me for 3 days and released 3 days later and still have no idea why.nobody ever told anyone don't know...but thanks for replying.
    Jessica Ann Alcaide
    legion420 replied to ctbeth's response:
    what hurts-everything including my eyeballs!!no im not monitored by any testing-it's a sporadic thing,when for whatever reason a new md wants to be a waste my time dick.all i get currently is xanax,neurontin and thats all from my in wa state and qualified for medical marijuana and thank nature.its done wonders for my tummy issue and as long as im toasty-im not as much a threat to others,im more dealable i guess.i buy vitamine supplements just because,and thats all she has for now.i get no pain treatment at husband is angry as well.its just im in no mental or physical to go through another medical battle this time and thats what worries me most of all.
    Jessica Ann Alcaide
    ctbeth replied to legion420's response:
    Hi Jessica,

    I also live in a 420 state.

    We have ten conditions for which medical marajauna can be prescribed.

    Washington also has diagnostic requirements.

    as you must be aware, a medical marajuana edict does not mean that any MD may prescribe it for any patient with any diagnosis.

    Whatever your diagnosis was that lead to your qualifying for medical marajuana, this would be the diagnosis that I'd stick with, if I were you.

    In my state, one cannot be prescribed marajuana along with a benzo. Hence a prescription of Xanax would invalidate a Connecticut patient who qualifies diagnostically from being prescribed marajuana therapy.

    What is the diagnosis that qualified you for a) disability, and b) medical marajuana?

    I hope that you get the advocacy and strength for the "battle".

    Sadly, most of us have been there.

    Good luck with that.

    annette030 replied to legion420's response:
    I live in Oregon, the first state to allow terminal patients to choose when to die. But, you have to be terminal, and diagnosed that way by the doctor prescribing the medicine. I have not heard that one pill will do the job.

    I suggested calling a hot line, because that is what they do, here at WebMD. My personal advice would be far different, and not allowed here at all.

    Best of luck to you.

    Take care, Annette
    annette030 replied to ctbeth's response:
    Washington state just passed a law saying the recreational use of marijuana is no longer a crime there. Keeping in mind of course that it is a federal crime, they have not changed their minds. MJ is legal in Washington and Colorado, for everyone.

    Hugs, Annette
    blessedladyptl replied to annette030's response:
    Marijuana is still illegal under federal law. Federal laws supercede state, whichever is the most stringent. It's just a really big chance to take. And if you're receiving government benefits, you could lose them if you'r arrested & convicted.

    Marijuana Resource Center-Federal Laws Pertaining To Marijuana
    Feardorcha68 replied to annette030's response:
    I live in CT too.
    If our doctor prescribes it then we're pretty protected and so is the doctor.
    Like Beth says, there is a list of diagnosis that qualify for marajuana prescriptions.
    Terminal cancer, glaucoma, spastic paraplegia, are the ones I know of.
    I don't qualify because my back injury isn't spinal cord.
    CT is also legal for recreational use, but if it's not included in your med contract then, although not illegal, our doctor can discharge us for contract violation.
    Just like alcohol- my doctor forbids me from drinking because it's a bad mix with Exalgo. It's not illegal to drink, but violation of my med contract.
    After talking about it with my doctor, I decided that, since I don't have a diagnosis that includes me for prescribed, that I'd have to change my pain med.
    I get better pain relief from the Exalgo than I get from smoking a little weed, so I decided to stay with what works better.

    Exalgo doesn't make the pain go away, but it's better than without it for sure.

    How is this handled in other states that are 420?

    Hey, good luck to Jessica.
    It sounds like she's getting some good advice,

    fibrofran17 responded:
    Hi Legion,
    I just read your post and feel I "may" have an idea that could explain alot of your symptoms as my story is very similar to yours and I wasn't diagnosed till 60 years old, about 2 years ago.
    What stood out most was your weight and reactions to meds etc. I was finally diagnosed with Celiac Disease, the test is an endoscopy, painless and covered by insurance. It affects the entire digestive process which includes food and meds not getting digested, so you are in a constant state of mal-nourishment and meds can't get assimilated normally or at all. This would cause many many of your symptoms! It's a hard diet to follow if you have it but so well worth the "lack of pain" as a result, also if you still need some meds they will be utilized much more efficiently. Legion, don't give up, use anger if you need a motivator to get the help you need, it could be just around the corner but you can't see it from here. Please keep me posted here, will be sneding Love and Light your way,
    best wishes, fibrofran

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