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    7 Year Old - Defiant, No Self Control, Hateful, Disrespectful, etc
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    An_263118 posted:
    Okay, so I am going to be 100% honest about EVERYTHING that is going on, other wise you can't help me with only partial information.

    Our 7 year old son has become completely disrespectful, defiant, hateful and everything over the past year. I mean, it has turned into the part where sometimes we dread getting him up and ready for school in the morning because it is SUCH a fight just to get him ready for school. I mean he is constantly YELLING at us, calling us mean, telling us to just LEAVE, GET OUT, screaming at us ALL the time. I mean it literally takes us 15 - 20 minutes just to get him to brush his teeth. For example this morning, he immediately starts yelling at us when we tried to get him up...his mother told him to put on his clothes, he didn't put on his shirt and immediately started yelling at his mother that "SHE DIDN"T DO IT AND IT IS HER FAULT" that he didn't put his shirt on, when it was lying in the same spot it always was. Then I got up to help her get him ready and get his teeth brushed and he literally got right in my face and yells at me, telling me NO he isn't going to do it, he will do it when i get out, etc. I literally told him if he didn't do THIS then i was going to throw a toy away, i literally "Pretended" to throw 7 toys away this morning before he would EVER do what he was suppose to do.

    This has been the way it has been for the past year or so. We are constantly getting calls from school saying he is misbehaving, running, cutting in line, talking out when he is not suppose to be, talking back to the teacher etc. However, they say he is one of the smartest kids in the entire 1st grade class and that his test scores, class work scores all prove that and they say that he is ABOVE where he should be academically, so he is an intelligent kid.

    Also, the thing about him is, he has SUCH a good heart on him, I mean his mom is on dialysis every night and he offers to always take care of her, doesn't it like it when me or her fight, he will stick up for either of us, he will get us anything we need if we are sick, tries to take care of us when we are sick. Also, he has been raised that any time he sees a veteran he goes up and shakes their hand and thanks them for their service, so we know he has a good heart and we know he KNOWS what is right. He has really good manners, but the moment you tell him NO or he doesn't get his way, he literally FLIPS out.

    Also, something else to note is it is possible that me and his mother have spoiled him pretty bad as far as constantly buying him everything he really ever wanted, etc.

    Something to note is that he doesn't act this way toward his Grandparents....and we have asked him why he doesn't do that, and he says it is because of the stories we told him about how we used to get Spankings all the time with belts, switches, etc. So he says he won't act up around them because of that.

    So, I have tried to do my share of spanking him (with my hand, never an object), and it doesn't seem to really help, I have tried taking everything away, making him earn it back, grounding, etc...Nothing.

    We don't want to "Medicate" him as we believe medicating him takes away everything about him that is our loving son and makes him walk around like a zombie and that is not what we want either. We just want our good hearted son back that we know is there.
     
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    lenono97 responded:
    Wow, you have your hands full. Is this your only child?

    Here is some of my thoughts-

    Have you talked to his doctor for advice? A lot of people chose to start there for advice and possible referrals to other appropriate providers.

    What is the school saying? Have you talked to the counselor or had a meeting with his teacher? The teachers are usually good about picking up on possible behavoiral issues. They see it all.

    You said you don't want to "medicate" him. But you can't rule that our until you talk to a medical professional and figure out what is going on. Sometimes that is what's best to calm his brain and body down so he can process things and not "flip" out like you say.

    You mentioned he is smart. Maybe he is just bored in school. Does he need to be more academically challenged?

    Yes, it is interesting he acts differenly around you and his grand parents. I don't want to judge, but perhaps take a step back and take a look at your parenting style.

    Best of luck to you.
     
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    frightboss replied to lenono97's response:
    Hello Lenono,

    Yes he is our only child. As far as a doctor, he hasn't really seen one for anything like that, only for his health/wellness checkups. As far as the school, they say he is extremely smart, just his behavioral issues are out of hand, always blurting out, always racing to be the first in the line, talking back, not listening very well, etc.

    As far as parenting style, my parents used to "beat my butt" if I didn't listen and it just seems that is so much more "Frowned" upon in todays society, and to be honest, it really does hurt me more than it hurts him when I do it.
     
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    tlkittycat1968 replied to frightboss's response:
    First place to start is your son's doctor.
    Pround mommy to PJ (7) and Kylee (5).
     
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    karma3p80 responded:
    Hi. I have a 6 year old son who was, and sometimes still is, exactly like what you describe. He is a smart boy, with a good heart, but he had a very hard time being told "no" and would react the same way, but his freak outs included basically beating me up. I was wondering if your child has trouble getting to sleep/winding down at night. One thing that my son also has trouble with is that no matter how tired he is, he has a very hard time getting into a relaxed state. I can lay there with him for an hour sometimes and he is still not relaxed. However, his behavior has changed a lot and the one thing that really helped was staying calm in all situations. This is a behavior type that some children have and until you have a child like this, it's impossible to imagine how tough it is to deal with. I know, because I was the same way when I was a kid. I can tell you that the reason why he does it to you and not his Grandparents is because he knows that you will love him and never leave him no matter what, so he takes any and all frustrations out on you. When my son would get in this "state" he told me it was hard to control his actions and words. I assured him that he did have control, that it wasn't easy- in fact it was very hard- but I knew that he could do it because he was smart and he was growing up to be a big boy. When I could see the beginning of this behavior, I would lower my voice, crouch down to his level and a lot of times take him to another room without distractions. I would tell him that I want to talk with him and we will stay there until he is ready to listen. I would say this calmly. A lot of times I would make it clear that he has choices: He can choose to be bad and have to go into a quiet room and listen or he can choose to be good and we would get things done more quickly and enjoyable. Kids like this don't respond to a lot of traditional methods like time outs and spankings. They are very intelligent and want to feel like they are making their own choices. I assured him that everyone in this world always has things that they need to work on and we often talk- when he is calm- about what we are currently working on. I will tell him the things that I need to work on, too. They hate feeling inferior. Now, before anyone says I am being too easy on him, I want to make it clear that I am not against being strict, spankings, etc. However, I tried this with him and with a child with this kind of personality it simply doesn't work. I think being strict and other things work on a lot of other kids, though. Since I have began doing some of these things his behavior has been so much better and I am so proud of him. Also, giving him Melatonin at the beginning of the week (just Mondays) to regulate his sleep cycle has helped him tremendously, but I don't want to recommend this because the use of it in children, particularly long term effects, have not been studied very much at all in children. Some docs recommend it while others are firmly against it. For us, it works wonders, but each child is different and everyone should do what they believe is best for their own family. Good luck!
     
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    frightboss replied to karma3p80's response:
    Thanks so much for the information, I greatly appreciate it. Some good advice that we can really try to implement and see what we can do to see if it works.
     
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    momuv4girls replied to frightboss's response:
    I highly, highly suggest you looking into this wonderful online organization:

    http://www.thebalancedmind.org/
    They have a specific group for young children called "very young". At the top of the page click on "connect", then when the drop down menu appears, hit "online support communities".

    I joined back when my youngest daughter was 7, and acted very much the same way as your son.
    The parents have been my biggest education and source for support and guidance.

    Take care,
    -Kathleen


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