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    Bad Mom Feelings
    An_239690 posted:
    My DD's father and I are divorced. Have been for 2.5 yrs now, and everything seems fine, until lately. We have joint custody, but I am very sick and not always physically capable of taking care of my child, so the agreement was, he keeps her, and I have visitation. This works out, as I know I am not a completely great mother. I'm not looking for pity, this is a fact and I accept it.
    To make a super long story, as short as possible, I made this mistake of watching Stepmom last night, and can't help but wonder if maybe my kid would be better off without me. I am in fact very sick, not something anyone can catch, but sick. I've died on an operating table in the last year, and know for a fact I'm lucky to still be here, and to have the miracle child I was never supposed to have (per doctors). With my illness comes alot of down time and not alot of up being a super mom (like her stepmother). I feel like I'm screwing her up. Her school seems to be suffering this week, not bad, just enough I'm concerned, and she seems alot sadder lately, than is normal for my more uppity bright sided 8 year old. I've made her cry alot lately being in so much pain and instead of talking things out with her I yell which isn't her fault, it's mine.
    I suck at being a parent, I know for a fact I do. I just want to know how some divorced parents handle not being around your child, but in the same sense, knowing you really aren't the best parent for them to be with? I know she loves me, and tells me all the time I'm the best mommy ever...just can't help but think that it isn't fair to her to have to survive me as a mother.
    I wonder alot if I'm failing her because she doesn't live with me, which is for the best, lets be honest here. I never got maternal instincts like most women do. I want the utmost best for her and know that is living with her father. But I cry pretty much every day worrying about her future, and how much I'm going to screw her up.
    Is this normal? Am I failing her? I know my disease throws me into depression every once in a while, and I can usually hack it, but lately, and mostly over my DD, I can't help but wonder if being around me is just screwing her up! Or maybe she is better off with out me.
    There is a line in the movie last night that hit me hard enough I'm still crying...Julia Roberts is talking to Susan Sarandon about the future wedding of Susan's daughter, and Julia says "My fear is that I'll be there and she'll say to me, I wish my mom was here" and Susan says "My biggest fear is she won't"...that's my fear is she will wish her entire life that I was never around to ruin things for her!
    kay_kay75 responded:
    I am so sad to hear you talk about yourself this way, you are this girls mother for a reason, it was not a mistake that you had her. Remember that kids with seemingly "normal" parents come out all messed up too.

    I think the first thing you need to do is get some help with your depression because to me it sounds like you are very depressed and then find a support system for yourself.

    HTH, Take care and Love that Little Girl with all you have!

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