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    Parents of Tweens and Teens - Welcome to your home!

    Bundles of hormones, emotions, and insecurities. Rebellion, dating, school problems, peer and societal pressures, its our job to see these kids to adulthood. Get the support you need here!

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    Bisexuality in teens
    pretzelogic posted:
    My 15 year old son came home from a sleepover w/ a hickie. Imagine my shock when I found out it came from his male friend. He promptly announced he was bi and that he'd has these feelings for a couple of years. I am very confused and have no idea where to start talking w/ him about this. I believe he may be going through a phase of confusion, he's never been a leader, always a follower and this "friend" of his always seems to end up getting them into trouble. I can't help but wonder who was the initiator of this type of behavior. He says there was no sexual contact, but of course, we'll have to ban him from spending any more nights, the same as if he had a girlfriend, I wouldn't allow him to stay at her house or her at ours. I believe he needs a therapist to talk to about his feelings since he is convinced we'll just try to tell him he's "wrong" to have these feelings. What kind of therapist specializes in these types of issues and has anyone else gone through anything like this?
    Ruby46 responded:
    Do you think he's wrong to have these feelings? Your answer is going to play a huge role in how the rest of his adolescence and young adult years go. Your son may choose to date men. He may choose to date women. He may waver between both and there's no guarantee that he'll find a life partner who's a woman. Are you okay with this? If you want a relationship with him down the road, you may have to be.

    I'd find him a counselor who will listen and help him find his own way, and not following anyone or anything but his own heart. If you find him a counselor who insists he is wrong and can be made heterosexual, you may be doing a lot of damage to him.

    If he's bi, he's been bi since he was in your womb. He simply needs to curb his sexual activities until he's a legal adult and has his own space, and he needs to know how to protect himself from disease. I agree with no sleepovers, but if he's going to have a boyfriend, you need to be ready to meet them and help guide him.
    pretzelogic responded:
    thank you for your response. I can't tell him how or who to have as a partner, I am just worried that he was led into this and there's a confusion about the whole thing. That's why I'd like to find a qualified counselor who can help him sort out his feelings...since he says he also likes girls. I know he's probably never kissed one because he's very introverted and his friend has been his best bud for at least 3 years, so they hang out together a lot. If anyone has a clue as to which type of therapist we should be looking for, please advise. I want him to have the greatest confidence that he will not be "brainwashed" into thinking one way or another.
    teeny79 responded:
    I can't speak for your son but when was a teen( i was also very shy) i still couldn't be talked into doing something i really didn't want to do. With this being a sexual type of activity i can't see that he would allow himself to be talked into experimenting with a guy. That said he is probably pretty sure of how he feels and being bisexual means liking both boys and girls so him saying that he likes girls doesn't mean he isn't bisexual or was persuaded into anything.

    He might have been a little worried about how you would take his news and was sugarcoating it for you or it might just be that the hicky came from a girl. Just because he was at a sleep over doesn't mean that he was there the whole time. He could have snuck out with a girl or snuck a girl in and came up with the bisexual thing knowing that he had to explain it somehow and thinking that you wouldn't stop the sleepover thing if it came from another guy.

    He may or may not need someone to help him sort things out. He is still young and i think if you are able to get him to communicate with you and stay open minded about what he has to say then he might be able to sort things out with the help of you . You should at least have the safe sex talk because even though we may try we can't prevent them from having sex. We can't lock them up and watch them constantly so that leaves a lot of instances for them to give it a try.

    btw i have a sister who is bi, she is now engaged to a man but she did have a girlfriend for a while. I think if her mother had taken it better she may still be with a girl but that is hard to say. She does seem to be happy with her guy now though so that is all that matters to me.
    rednewbie responded:
    I have a 15 year old, and she has told me being "bi" is actually "in" right now. A little scary if you ask me.. But kids follow other kids, and we end up a lot of confused kids not knowing what they truly believe in.

    I agree with the sleep overs, you are not going to encourage sexual activity at the age of 14. He needs to know you are not making judgments against his choice. But as a parent, you are not going to give him "golden" opportunities to be sexually active.

    As for him actually being "bi"... please don't take this wrong. But who cares? I know that sounds a little nuts.. But you love your son NOT based on his sexual preference. You love him for a million other reasons, but his sexual preference is not your choice or any thing to be overly concerned about.

    Talk to him just as if he was interested only in girls. Discuss diseases, protection, and "dating" behavior. Being respectful, to his "date" and himself.

    As for therapy...Are you looking to "fix" him?. If so, sorry to say this but this is not a broken plate you fix. This is your son who you love, the same son you had before you found out he is "bi"... As for therapy for him, yes there are therapist that specialize in this. In helping a child/adult accept his feelings and help him cope with those who might not agree with his decision. It might help if he is confused or just "following" the pack.

    This is your child... Your little baby, who you have love since the day he was born. Nothing about him has changed, so make sure you continue to treat him the same way you have before. And make sure he understands you will accept him either way.

    Good Luck... Gin
    SabrinaMom responded:
    I think everyone else has given good advice about whether or not your son is gay, so I won't address that. The one thing that I would add is that I would probably notify the parents of the boy who had the sleepover that there might be inappropriate behavior going on at his sleepovers. If my teens spent the night anywhere, I totally wanted to know they were being supervised well enough that there wasn't *any* sexual behavior going on. The same went for sleepovers at my house. It doesn't matter whether you're talking about boys, girls, or a mix. It sounds like the parents in this case need to provide some better supervision and perhaps lay out a few more ground rules for sleepovers.
    matteoNJ responded:
    I went through that when I was younger and I am (and proud) to say that I'm bisexual. To be honest, regardless of any beliefs you have, you need to support your son. The hardest thing for any teenager to go through is to feel rejected by their own parents over something they cannot control. Sometimes kids proclaim to be gay or bisexual because it's a ridiculous 'trend' and want to fit in. But regardless of whatever it is, you are born your sexuality and cannot fake any sexual/romantic feelings for a certain gender. If he truly is bisexual or is just confused, you need to support him, tell him it's okay and you just want him to be happy in a healthy, non promiscuous way. You did not choose to be straight, you were born and always felt straight. It is the same for bisexuals and homosexuals. If you send him to a therapist he is going to feel like something is wrong with him. Make sure he knows you love him unconditionally and you're there for him for anything. When my mother basically rejected me for my sexuality as a teenager, I went into a horrible depression and suicidal phase. It took a lot to pull me out of it, but the reason why I got out of it was because I finally had people in my life who accepted me and saw no wrong.
    pretzelogic responded:
    As I said, I think he needs someone to talk to get the facts about bi-sexuality since I think he may be confused.

    His father had a very frank discussion w/ him about sexual activity, gay and hetero and he told me that our son went pale when discussing gay I don't know if he even understands what telling someone he's "bi" is really all about.

    I have never done anything but love my children. I don't have to concern myself w/ their sexual happiness, just give them the facts and information to help them protect themselves.

    I am unsure how to approach the parents of this other boy. When I picked my son up from the sleepover, his mother was very chatty, which she never usually is, so in retrospect, I have to wonder if she knew and was trying to find a way to tell me something had happened.

    I appreciate everyone's candor and assistance. We are looking into therapy, just so we can help him figure this out and keep him open to talking...I know that teen suicide over sexual identity is very high, so I want him to be reassured that we have his best interests, whatever they may be, in mind.
    Ruby46 responded:
    You sound like a good mom. Your son is lucky to have you in his corner.

    Good luck!
    SativaLynn8161 responded:
    Being Bi is the craze right now. Dont ask me why but it seems all the teens are Bi. Just be as supportive as you can and it might be a phase. You also need to think about if it is not a phase. Just try to be as supportive as possible because you don't want him shutting you out completely.
    Chriseliza responded:
    Whatever you do, don't send your kid to a therapist! It will only make them resent you and they will feel that it's wrong to be that way. There is nothing wrong with having feeling for the same sex. God put people on this earth to love each other, so don't try and make your kid change. It will make you feel better knowing that your kid is doing what they want. And staying the night with his friends, have them monitored while they're together, you can't make them stop seeing each other trust me I KNOW.
    mochioner responded:
    he's bi? who freaking cares? the kid is stronger than you will ever be for saying it to you so easily. relax and don't be homophobic to your own son. he's a leader for sticking up for himself against narrow-minded people who are trying to delegitimize his feelings. let him explore. he's not going to care what you think soon anyway so be behind him no matter what floats his boat. also, he's old enough to have hickeys. regardless of the gender of the hickeyer.
    JesusIsLordOfAll responded:
    I have dealt with similar situations. My best friend since grade school came out just after high school and told me she thought she liked girls. She has now been a "lesbian" for about 4 years and has had many unsuccessful relationships. Also my 14 year old cousin claims to be "bi" . She is now 16 and still claims that she is. In my best friends situation she didn't really attract guys attention. She started getting attention from girls and liked it. My cousin's situation is more of a fad in her school. In both situations I told them the same thing; I am not worried about hurting their feelings, that is not what's important. What's important to me is that I tell them what the Bible says about homosexuallity and that I continue to love them. Their salvation is important to me not their feelings! I do not agree with their decisions. If they want to come into my family's home they need to respect our beliefs and do not bring their girl friends to our house. It is not them that I dislike, it is their decisions I do not agree with. And I will continue to pray for them, talk with them when I can and love them. I want to see these ladies in Heaven, not being tortured in Hell for an eternity because of something this screwed up world told them was okay! Being a good parent is not about being on your kids side or backing him up. It is about loving him. And loving him does not always mean being on his side or backing him up If you disagree with him being a "bi" there is nothing wrong with that, should you bash him and put him down for it? No. Should you disown him? No. But if you disagree express how you feel in a loving motherly way and set guidelines for now and the future! And be very careful about choosing a therapist, just because they have that title does not mean they know what is best for your child. There are some pretty messed up worldly therapists out there! God Bless!
    outdoor75 responded:
    I feel for you. I think you need him to go to a therapist to deal with his feelings. No matter what the others here on this board says most parents do not want their kids to be gay or bi if they had a choice. I am of the belief that sexuality in teens is fluid, and they need some direction.
    sj2777 responded:
    No, no, no. He does not need therapy. If he is bisexual, then that's what he is. No amount of therapy will change that (because his sexuality is NOT fluid!).

    Let him be. Give him information about sex, just as you would if you realized he was interested in girls.

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