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    three friends .... how to help my my daughter not be left out
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    lsl8r posted:
    Hi, I am new to this but looking for help.. My daughter is turning 11 and going into 6th grade. Bop is what I will call her. She has been with the same girls since kindergarten and has always had this struggle of feeling like the third wheel. I get frustrated when she and the other two get together because she immediately gets tense and shuts down... which then I think it makes everyone uncomfortable.. However she has been giving me more details about her friends and how she feels and what one says to her. For example today she was invited to A's house and while being there A told her that she called Y but she wasn't home and then Called M and she wasn't home so she callen Bop. Not knowing this I invited M to go b-day shopping with us.. during that time I noticed my daughter getting up set and distancing herself from her friends... She had helped them pick out presents for their friend and yet she still hadn't found Anything. Meanwhile I was getting frustrated with her behavior but also noticed that A and M were busy not including her. I tried telling Bop that she should just include herself .. but she was too upset. She told me when we got home the converstation she had earlier with A and I completely understood how she felt. She is always feelilng like she is the third wheel... and wondering why she is always second and not the first choice. I can't tell you how I know how she feels. other than changing friends who she really like mostly M... I don't know what to say. I hurt for her and feel like I am back in elementery school again and still don't know how to tell her how to handle it... I am lost for ideas here .... and I want her to be happy with her friends but what do I do .. what is the best way to handle three 11 year olds. Advice would be great. Thanks L
     
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    momuv4girls responded:
    I agree, that is a difficult situation. Having 4-daughters, I have encountered this type of threesome before.

    My instinct tells me for you to stay completely out of it - let the girls work out this "pecking order" thing.

    I would talk to your daughter about it in private if she wants to though. Discuss what a good friend really is, and how a good friend should act. I would not directly say her "friends" aren't really being one.....just elude to the fact and let your daughter figure out if she still wants to hang around the girls or not.

    American Girl has some really great books about girls and friendship. Getting one of these for your daughter might really help also.

    http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=american girl friend book&tag=googhydr-20&index=stripbooks&hvadid=2309922581&ref=pd_sl_70zo3vsqmf_b

    Take care, and good luck!
    -Kathleen
     
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    AliceMalice responded:
    I have a 13 year old daughter, and we went through the same thing. 6th grade was brutal for her.. it seemed like every friend she had already had a best friend, and my daughter was the third wheel. It was hurtful, as my daughter would always hear that the others two were spending the night with each other, etc.
    I don't have a magic wand or any really great advice as to how to help. But in my case, I just made sure to be a really good listener to my daughter. She would sometimes cry herself to sleep. But just be being there and listening, at least your daughter will not feel alone.

    I also encouraged my daughter to branch out and befriend as many people as possible. And not to get too hung up on one friend, because these things happen. Having several friends she can call or have lunch with is good, so if one is being exclusive she has someone else to talk to.

    Seems like 11 and 12 years old is really rough. It was for me, too. My daughter has never really had one best friend. Instead she has a lot of friends, not particulary one great one. I used to think she must be missing out by not having a best friend, but now I see she is very happy having lots of friends.

    Your daughter will get through this. It seems to get better around age 13, at least for my daughter it is.

    And I know how it hurts your heart to see your girl hurting. It used to rip my heart out too. Just be there for her, and keep building up her confidence by telling her how special she is!
     
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    Boyzmomee replied to momuv4girls's response:
    Makes me glad I have boys.
     
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    djkiditch responded:
    She needs to take a stand for herself. if they can't include her she needs new friends.
     
    avatar
    stressed1857 replied to momuv4girls's response:
    talk to her about what qualities good friends have explain that good true friends will always be your friend through good and bad times and also explain to her that she is young and will have pleanty of friends i dont know if you are religous but if so you can explain that he was perfect and they still crusified him let her know that its not her but also keep in mind if she is entering middle school it is a huge ajustment my daughter had as and bs and in middle school her grades droped the best way to get or meet friends is to join an after school activity band or choirs let her know also that she will be suprised to find out how many people remember you from school when you are a good hearted person also let her know we are all humans and make mistakes and what ever happens will all be better i just pray and let god take of it put it in his hands also if you have friends with children maybe call them and invite them to join you and your friends expecially things like shopping and eating out so she can see true friends and how you react with each other if you are religious tell her to pray for her friends and let her know if she doenst talk about it it wount go away maybe have a talk with the guidance counsler at school first without her to find out the best way of handling this because the deal with it daily and have training to help students also it is nice just to get a card for them and see how they act to that friends like getting cards from friends also remind your daughter that even though you have several friends each friend is a friend for different things maybe the other 2 girls like doing something they might think she might not like the best thing is to be their for her and let her know all of the different way of helping like talking with the guidance counsler you would be supprised at how they can help also maybe invite one friend out to eat or go shopping at a time so she gets quality time with both of them and maybe if she only invites one at a time they might see how she is feeling and be more involved with both of them i hope i have been helpful i have raised my daughter to be cofidant and to know how good she is and not to really be concerned with what other people think she will be 16 in september maybe the other girls are just trying to please each other and they just expect that your daughter will always be there and they feel that the other one wouldnt be as understanding by inviting them one at a time she might be able to see if she still has alot in comon with both of them good luck i always wanted all girls but since my daughter has been in middle school i might have changed my mind i do have a 7 year old son i am just waiting on whats in store with him but i leave it up to ggd for my strength i pray that he gives me the strength to make it through just one day at a time and the wisdom to know how to help my children in life to become successful in life and just rember god dosent give us anything we cant handle just learn from our mistakes dont keep making the same ones good luck and remember that life is hard just dealing with the changes in a teenagers body then add all of this let her know that you love her no matter what even though you might not agree with their choices dont mean you dont love them just let them know how inportant it is not to keep up the same mistakes god loves you and i will be praying for you
     
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    jankat1 responded:
    Right now I am having the same problem my daughter is 13 she has many friends but not a best friend this causes her much pain and she comes home in tears alot whenever there is a event at school it seems everyone pairs up to go and she is left out. Just this week she was planning to buy a dress for the 8th grade dinner dance when she texted her friends to see who she would go with they all had already made plans to go with someone else she is devestated and now she doesn't want to go she is afraid to go alone and says it looks bad I hurt for her what happened to going out as a group


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