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    Masturbating with friends
    Tophersboy posted:
    Last summer at Summer Camp my 13 yr old was tenting with two of his same-aged friends. One evening I caught them masturbating together. One of his friends was "helping" the other while my son was doing his own thing. I was taken by surprise that evening and let them "finish." The next evening as they went to bed I explained to the three of them that while that was normal that was something that probably should be done alone and in private; certainly not at Summer Camp. What is your opinion of this? Has anyone else experienced anything similar? How did you handle it? Summer Camp is coming up again soon and I have a feeling that this might be an issue again from some comments I've heard.
    rednewbie responded:
    Sounds like this could be a sticky situation.. My husband said (after I read him this postings!) that its not normal but it happens a lot. Yikes.. Ok.. here is my conservated opinion.. I would be very upset if one of the three kids were mine and it happened at your home. I am sorry, but .... while I am sure your son did not hold a gun to the kids head to get them to participate, and it was most likely not even your sons idea. But... as a parent ... would you be upset if you heard this information at another home? I do like how you told them it should be in private. Perfect.. My only suggestion is to make sure your son understands any sexual activity should be with someone they love and are exclusive with. The whole "group" thing is not normal. Gin
    FCL responded:
    This is a post that deals with the subject from one of the men's boards - a men's perscpetive on this:[email protected]@.89abcd59!thdchild=.89abcd59 It might be interesting to post over there too to see how they would deal with it?
    Tophersboy responded:
    I hardly think that I would consider this a circle jerk. This was three innocent boys that were experimenting with their changing bodies. They were not mature enough to enter into anything like you've suggested. It was more of a game of show and tell or a comparison of sorts. They didn't understand what they were doing. It just felt good.
    GingerKohler responded:
    I had my husband read the post too. (This was before FCL's post with the link in it). He had 2 responses. The 1st was the topic of the link FCL posted, that it's more common than you think and doesn't mean the guy's a perv. (I turned red and my jaw dropped to the floor. My husband is very straight, a gentleman, I'm his first kiss and the only girl he's been with -- he believed strongly in monogamy and I was the first girlfriend that he had very deep heart felt feelings for.) No, I did not ask if he had ever ... you know. My jaw was still on the floor. 2nd response: The one kid probably had his first "finish," told the other 2 about it, and they didn't want to wait until after they got home from camp to try it themselves. He said that it might explain why the one was helping the other. He advises strongly that fathers (or father figure) have a talk with their son before they go to camp. My husband has gotten our son feeling very comfortable talking to him as he goes through puberty. He's told my son what will happen and that he's not to share it the news of it and to do it in his bedroom in private - preferably when mom's not home (or gone to sleep) so that I don't come knocking on the door looking for laundry and get embarrassed.
    Johnnie38 responded:
    Summer Camp? You were the counselor? Did you tell the other boys' parents? Did you go to your board of directors and ask how to handle it? Egads, you let them finish? What is my opinion? Not so innocent. Kids engage in sexual activity at 13, 14 years old. What would you do if this was a 13 yo girl helping your son? Or your son helping a girl? Comments? Like what? One of the boys saying he can't wait to get his hands down some other kid's pants? I think camp would be over if this were me. Parents tell boys from an early age that this is a solo activity to be enjoyed in private. By 13, kids know this. To do this anyway is a defiant act. It isn't ok with my for my kids to be sexually active at this age. My opinion is no more sleepovers. Sexual activities are for consenting adults, not curious kids. I didn't read the link in another reply, but if it was about a circle jerk as one responder suggested, then yeah, I think that is what I'd call this.
    Tophersboy responded:
    I didn't want to go into the sorted details but I will tell you this: Yes, I was ONE of the counselors. Yes, I consulted the other adults that were with our group. Yes, I consulted the Board of Directors. Yes, I contacted the parents of everyone involved and they were pleased with how things were handled. How the parents handled things at home, I have no idea as I never got any feedback. All three boys are still involved a year later. Can you imagine how terribly things could have gone had I intervened during the course of things? They were embarrassed enough a whole day later just knowing I knew. I have kept an eye on everyone for the last year and there has been nothing to find. When you say "Parents tell boys from an early age that this is a solo activity to be enjoyed in private. By 13, kids know this. To do this anyway is a defiant act." you make a rather grand assumption. Not all parents talk to their kids about sex. The boy that instigated this comes from a good family, but rather prudish. I can tell you the mom would never in a million years bring the subject up and I rather doubt dad did either. They are both good people and their son is too. He is just very hormonal and not getting any answers other than the ones he is finding out for himself. He now knows that masturbating should be done in private. The boy that was the "helper" is a very similar situation. Lives with mom and dad and I'm sure that neither has talked to their son about sex. In this case mom and dad have their own problems and something like this, I'm sure, isn't very high on their priority list. He will be left to figure things out on his own. I had already talked to my son about this subject. We talked later and he said he was a victim of peer pressure but he knew better than to do anything that involved someone else. It simply was a show and tell for him. I can understand why he had trouble making a better decision than he did. There are a lot of adults in this world that don't do any better than my 13 yr old did, but he's trying. As for why I let them "finish".... I was looking further down the road as opposed to how I was going to handle that evening. It is important to me to keep these boys in an atmosphere where they have at least me to talk to about things rather than embarrass them to the point we never saw them again. If I handled this wrongly, it was very possible we would have never seen these boys again, and that wouldn't have benefitted anyone. I fully intend to have a conversation with the boy that started this before we get to camp just so we both understand each other. I think he already knows the rules now but I need to protect everyone. BTW Johnnie, when I asked for comments I thought YOU might have some. I wasn't asking what you thought a 13 year boy might say.
    Johnnie38 responded:
    You might have misunderstood. When I said "comments?", I was asking you about that. You said in your original post that you though possibly the boys were planning more of the same based on comments. I was asking what comments you might have heard. I wasn't suggestion what I thought the boys might have said, just wondering aloud to get a bettter sense of the situation. I followed all of your reply except for the last one. All of my remarks were in fact comments of mine. Hope camp is a positive experience for all. Good luck.
    Tophersboy responded:
    I'm sorry Johnnie, I did misunderstand. The comment was made the day after the "incident" by the boy that instigated this. He said "what happens at summer camp stays at summer camp." He said this before I talked with the three of them explaining how it was wrong to do this as a group and at summer camp. The adult concensus was that it was normal for the boys to want to compare. I think every boy wants to know if they are "normal" compared to their friends. We even went so far as to accept their finishing the race, so to speak. I'm not saying we're going to allow this type of activity in the future as it is against the rules officially and morally. All I'm saying is that we didn't think it was abnormal for three young boys to do something like this. The mutual help crossed the line though. Our opinion of this boy is that he is a good kid. He is not a sexual preditor. He got carried away. He is a natural leader and his helper more a "follower". So far this has been an isolated incident. We're watching. We had a boy in the past that really had sexual problems (turns out he was abused) and we had no choice but to ask him to leave until he got help. We've never saw him again. BTW, this happened at a large camp staffed by professionals. We are trained how to handle things like this. I wanted to hear impartial parents opinions.
    ashley27409 responded:
    I think you handled it just fine :smile: Most ppl freak out about this kind of thing. It IS normal but some ppl treat it as taboo, sending wrong messages about sex (IMO) Kudos to you for not freaking out and making them feel bad about it!
    GnSwoosh responded:
    I read all the opinions on this thread, and I thought they were all good ones. Is there a reason OP asked for opinions, only to later reveal that it was, in OP's opinion, handled appropriately? My opinion: I do not send my child to summer camp to learn about sexual activity with other campers. I would be finding something else for my child to do in the summer, and it wouldn't be this camp, for sure.
    Tophersboy responded:
    Swoosh, This topic isn't something that I would casually bring up in conversation. I remembered WebMD and thought that this would be a good venue to get unbiased opinions. If I had explained the entire situation right from the beginning I didn't think I would have gotten the opinions I was looking for. I wanted to just lay out some basic facts and see what people thought. I didn't mean to mislead anyone or hide anything. This incident has been the only one of it's kind that I've ever heard of at this camp. It was hopefully a one-time thing. Believe me, we will take every precaution we can think of to keep things like this from happening, but boys will be boys.

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