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    Sharing the Pain- Newtown Tragedy
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD posted:
    There are times when we are healed by sharing the pain; and clearly, the recent Newtown, Connecticut tragedy is one of those times. So, honor all of your experiences. Your expressions of grief, sadness, anger, frustration, and confusion (to name just a few of the felt emotions) are necessary to heal individually and as a nation. It's in talking and expressing ourselves from our hearts; along with being truly heard; that allows us to heal.

    So, I invite you to offer your comments. Whether you are just expressing how you feel, or calling for some kind of action, you can help yourself and others by sharing it here.

    If you would like to read more in detail about this topic in my The Art of Relationships blog, click here.

    Dr. Becker-Phelps's discussions and her responses in those discussions are for general educational purposes only. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.

    dfromspencer responded:
    I cried so hard while trying to watch that horrible tragedy unfold. I wanted to help those children, and the teachers so bad, yet i could do nothing. I felt the anger of frustration that morning! I felt hate towards the killer. I felt the fear in the parent's hearts, and minds. I felt the shock, confusion, and fear from the children and teachers from the very first shot.

    Oh, how i mourned that day! Still mourn for those that lost their precious little ones. and those that lost their family members. I mourn the loss of innocence. I mourn for their community, for this country. I mourn for the loss of our mental health establishments.

    Can these types of tragedies ever be stopped? I think, that we as a country, must try to do better by our mentally ill? We must have some kind of control over these assault rifles. We must do something!!!!
    DmndLife1984 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    The world will always be both what it is and has been. It's easy for me to be objective here, but for every school where there's a shooting, there are millions where there hasn't been, and for every irresponsible gun owner, there are millions of responsible ones. Not too many people seem to focus on that, but that's also not what the survivors (not victims) of the tragedy need to focus on now for sure. I can only imagine the trauma they must have gone and will continue to go through.

    I have a mental-emotional disorder myself. One Harvard doctor, who was really full of bull, said years ago that it was Asperger's, like the shooter here had. The disorder, which I was forced to figure out myself a year or so later because of so many of these ignorant diagnoses, was bipolar II. I have nothing to hide if someone asked me, but I don't advertise it because then people might assume, especially at a time like this, that if they don't walk on eggshells around me I might shoot up the place.

    Guns generally scare the hell out of me, though I can tell you I have stood with my legs slightly apart staring down the range at the laser point coming from the tiny grip-mounted LAM (I don't like LAMs) of a coworker's Beretta 92F automatic, for a day of responsible education.

    In conclusion, I don't know what could've been done for that kid, but for every person with a mental illness who goes and does something senseless like this, there are millions who are non-violent and high-functioning, with healthy respect for the way firearms can snuff out life in an instant, contributing to society.
    Sorry, forgot my pen.
    DmndLife1984 responded:
    There's violence in my own neighborhood now, where my street is now on the border of a few square blocks that have been cordoned off by the police because of a man involved with a chase and then a violent carjacking. They've all been out there for hours, probably focusing on cleanup of the wreckage at this point, from the pileup of wrecked cars at the intersection. This is all as far as I can tell, anyway.

    I've never given much thought to marriage and children, but sometimes I wonder what it might be like to have a daughter, a little girl, and now I have to wonder if one of those children killed in CT were my little girl, and with everything else I've endured so far in life, that might have to be the end of me. That might keep me from recovery, like a point of no return.
    Sorry, forgot my pen.
    longduckdong46 replied to DmndLife1984's response:
    I certainly mourn for the senseless loss of human life in Newtown and can't imagine the heartache those in the community are feeling at the moment.
    As far as the gun issue goes. Responsible citizens do and should have the right to own firearms.
    The Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh brought down an entire building with a homemade bomb loaded in a truck which killed many, including children.
    The cities with the stricktest gun laws have the most crimes committed with guns. Chicago to name one.
    Hearts and minds must change in those that seek to commit these evil acts.
    Anon_11642 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    OK this is my take on this whole thing.

    We all know there is evil in this world. However, I feel we have had too many shootings in schools and when I was growing up we had crime in the city I lived but no school shootings. I was never afraid to go to school.

    But now, things are different and our country is different. They took God out of the schools - no - that didn't cause it but think about that for a minute.

    I feel each teacher in this country needs to take a course on shooting and every single one of them need to carry a small concealed weapon. I know lots of people who do.

    Think about this - if the shooter knows all teachers are armed, why bother - because they know they will be instantly SHOT. Now, if teachers refuse to carry a concealed weapon we need to have just one entry to the school. All doors need to be locked with bullet-proof glass and on the only entry there should be an armed guard. This crap will stop if that were the case. Banning guns is not going to do it at all.

    The mother of this shooter knew he wasn't mentally well - why did she have all these guns where he could have access? Think about that too! Not very good sense. I heard that she decided he needed to be committed and he did some stuff - not sure what. Why would she have guns for him - knowing he was a problem child? You see parents need to be aware of children that may be a little mentally unstable and NOT have guns at their disposal. I think the two of them went to shooting practice together.

    Also, loners all seem to be shooters - people who are rejected by society and have NO friends. That should bring up a red flag - am I correct on that?

    Anyway, that's the way I see this situation. I, too, am devastated of the loss of these angels - just downright awful - and there needs to be some action taken. Also, putting all of this on TV and giving the shooter a name - some unstable people think it's great to have your name on TV and be well-known.

    Maybe the media should stop putting this on TV - when they get no notoriety they may not want to do this - who knows what's inside their sick minds.

    The only thing that I think can help these very sad families is support from each other - they should have weekly meetings all the time and talk about their sorrows like the 9/11 families. They need to form support groups and talk out their sorrows - they are the only ones who know what each and every family member is going through.

    Anyway, these are my thoughts - God bless our country and God bless all these angels that are hopefully in heaven with God and are being well taken care of.
    dfromspencer replied to Anon_11642's response:
    This may just be my feeling on this? God was removed from our schools, because of our diversity. Not every child that attends school, is Christian, right? I,E, Islam, Budism(not sure how spelled.) You get the idea? It is not only a separation of Church, and State, no, but rather a tollerance of other religions.

    You simply cannot shove one religion down another's throat, right? What kind of country would that be like? Just look at the extremists of Islam. They take it way over the top. We can't do that, its not right. Therefore, no religion in schools, period. That way, no one gets hurt for not following ONE religion.

    I am sorry, if thats not right by you, but it is how i see it.

    fcl replied to Anon_11642's response:
    "loners all seem to be shooters "

    I see it the other way round - shooters all seem to be loners.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    fcl replied to fcl's response:
    PS - loners are not shunned by society. They just happen to prefer their own company. Being a loner is not a bad thing. Being a killer IS.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    dfromspencer replied to fcl's response:
    Thank you, FCL. I have been alone for the last eighteen years now. I would never shoot someone. I couldn't shoot anyone, i don't own guns. Don't want to own guns. I do, however, believe in the second amendment.

    DmndLife1984 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Why would you apologize to someone for their (maybe) not liking what you believe?

    Also, "Buddhism" is the spelling, but it's all the same, according to that religion it's all the same anyway, so you can probably spell it any way you want.
    Sorry, forgot my pen.
    1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
    Words to describe this tragedy are hard to find, my thoughts go out to all the families and victims of this horrific event. I do not have any children, but i was raised by a teacher and many of my friends are in education. So I immediately thought of them.

    Over the past few days since the event, I have seen many postings on social media as to how we should fix this problem. Many of them included having armed guards at the schools, as well as giving teachers the proper training to conceal and carry. My question would be, where would the education system get the funds to pay for an armed guard? the education system has enough trouble paying its educators. And arming the teachers, sounds like a good idea, in elementary school, but what if you get into highschool or middle school even? The kids are sometimes bigger than the teachers, so they could in theory over power a teacher, steal their weapon and shoot up the place still. Granted if every teacher is carrying maybe 20 plus people dont get killed, but one innocent life is to many.

    As for locking all the doors except one, would violate firecodes and even if you can open them from the inside, all you need is someone on the inside to let them in. Watch the movie "Lean on Me" and you'll get my drift.

    What I am about to say is no way a justification, but has anyone every wanted to find out, how this kid got that way? Many of the people who commit these acts arent loners by choice, they try to make friends, but dont fit in. Or they are picked on or bullied for being different. Kids in general can be pretty mean to each other once they reach a certain age, not realizing the emotional/mental harm they are causing on someone. That being said I agree that the media has done their best to make this person into a infamous celebrity. They post his picture all over the tv and talk about him for days, weeks on end. All it takes is one other kid who was bullied or harrassed to see this and try to one up him. I mentioned "Lean on Me" earlier, Morgan Freeman starred in that movie and released a very real statement in regards to this shooting, most of his angst was pointed at the media.

    Is banning all guns a good idea? NO. But limiting what a person can purchase should be something considered. I do not own a gun, i have fired one and enjoyed it thouroughly. But i never once was like, i need to get me one of these, just not my thing. I have many friends who are gun owners and they are responsible. I strongly feel that a civilian has no need for an assault rifle or an automatic weapon. I am pretty sure i have never heard anyone going deer hunting with an M16 or AR 15. Sell hand guns and hunting rifles.

    I read an interesting statistic the other day, in the past 35 years or so, there have been 62 of these mass shootings. 49 of them were done with a legally owned firearm. So for the millions of responsible gun owners, there are 49 of them who were not and innocent people died in the process. People who probably didnt even know the shooters name. So clearly something needs to be done. And the NRA is trying to pass the buck on to this kid's troubled mental health. Which is absurb. I know guns dont kill people, people kill people. Its funny that one of our vice presidents could be seen as an irresponsible gun owner, shooting a friend in the face with bird shot, is pretty irresponsible, isnt it? What if they were shooting larger game and now quail or pheasants? He would have blown his head off.

    Gun control/reform, is not the answer, because it wont happen. Screening every student for mental illness is just to tall of a task. The end to these events starts at home. Teach your kids to respect other indivuals and their peers. Most are raised with such a lack of respect, that is mindblowing. Teach them please and thank you to start. Have them call their elders, Sir or Ma'am. But how can this happen, when most kids now a days dont even respect their parents....continued
    1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
    ...continuation...God help us all! There is no responsiblity placed on our children anymore. There was a day that when a child got a poor grade on a test, that he had to answer to his parents, probably get grounded or punished in some way. Now if a kid gets a poor grade, its some how the teachers fault, they probably have an ax to grind with their kid. So the kids sees he/she can do what they want and their parents will come to their rescue. They wont learn that an education is important or that school is a great way to make friends and discover who you are.

    I agree that bad people exist and no one is perfect. But if a bad person wants to kill or hurt someone they are going to find a way to do it. So banning guns is not the answer, McVey used fertilizer and a rental truck. 9/11 was airplanes, which they used box cutters to hi-jack. People get beaten to death in hand to hand combat. And as i said before, the media isnt doing us any favors. The media loves a bad guy, they will squeeze every rating they can out of a story, before casting them into oblivian. If our founding fathers would have known what the first amedment would have lead to, they probably wouldnt have put it into the bill of rights. On that note, who knows what they would have thought of the 2nd amendment as well. The media needs to leave these poor people alone and let them deal with this tragedy and move on with their lives.

    You may agree or disagree with my rant, but thats how I feel, I know i dont have all the answer, or any at all. But I truely believe that if we raise our children better, we will be able to minimize these monsters from commiting these horrible acts. If your a parent, I am not blaming you. Like there are bad people, there are bad parents, so if we can pull anything away from this tragedy. Maybe we should take every moment like its our last, if you havent spoken to your sibling or parents in a while, call them and tell them you love them. You never know how much time you have left.

    If you managed to read all of this, you deserve some type of award.

    dfromspencer replied to DmndLife1984's response:
    Thank you for saying that! And you are right, i should not apologize for believing as i do? Thanks for the spelling, i wasn't sure.


    Lefty2121 replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
    Great points loved them all! I would like to add something as far as security is concern. We are going to have all these Vets coming back from the war hopefully soon and will be looking for jobs why not place them at all these schools... Just wanted to add that suggestion.

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